To ask for your positives to having an only child

[LongRoadtoNowhere]

I have one DS who’s 2. He was very much planned and wanted, and we’re very lucky to have him.

I never wanted children when I was growing up, I just wasn’t hugely interested. When I met my DH, this changed and I was keen to have one, although he always wanted 2.

I had a reasonably straight forward pregnancy and birth, he wasn’t a hugely difficult baby, just the usual lack of sleep / stress that comes with a child really. But I’ve never felt the urge to have another.

Many of my friends with kids the same age either already have another, are pregnant or are going to start trying soon. I seem to be the only one that doesn’t want more.

My DH has brought it up a few times and I feel really guilty, but equally don’t want to have a baby just to make him happy when it would be me sacrificing my body/career and taking on the lion’s share of responsibility.

Although I can’t see me changing my mind in the near future (and I’m not young enough to wait very long anyway), I’d love to hear positive stories about people who have one child - just to put my mind at ease about it all!

@ricketybeauty yes I did. I always thought I wanted 3 kids and had the fantasy of all of them piling into our bed on a weekend morning...

When DD was between 2 to 5 I felt like I should have another, I didn't want to be pregnant again or go through the newborn stage again, but I had this image of the 3 kids...
But nothing made me really feel like I needed to TTC like the first time, and then the feeling of missing out faded.

I don't have any regrets.

This is very similar to my DB and I. We got on really well as kids / through to our early 20s but have just naturally drifted apart. Love him to pieces but we just don’t really talk and only see each other when my mum instigates a get together!

Emotionally I find having one child exhausting enough and i don’t know how well I would have managed stretching myself thinner.

THIS!!!!!!!!

Trust me. After an ectopic, miscarriages, operations and a lot of heartbreak it wasn't easy for me. I'd rather focus on what I have and enjoy it without constantly fearing the worst now dd is here

We have been able to help our son out to flat share in London with rent deposits etc and pay for him to come on the odd holiday- he's 25 and gets by ok in a good career but average pay at the moment kind of job. We aren't in a good enough position ourselves to have been able to help to this extent with multiple kids and as I had him at 36 and needed to go back to work quite quickly (times have changed in terms of support) I wasn't bothered about any more and neither was my H.

I think I’m just worried as well as very low contact with sister, no nieces/nephews on DHs side and he has no siblings… so our child/ren will likely have no cousins and I would hate for them to be literally alone in the world one day!

I'm an only child

You have more time to foster a close relationship with your child and you can really enjoy them without dividing your attention

You have more money, so there is less anxiety around that

It's a valid choice, it would be crazy just to have another because everyone else is doing it (although I do think that's why a lot of people seem to, because they feel they should!)

You know what you want, you set the boundary with your partner from the beginning, you're being fair

Besides which your DS is only 2, why is the pressure on now.

DD is an only, and while a little part of me would have loved another child, just being able to have her was a massive blessing.

As she's got older and more independent our life had become easier (she's nearly 8, so I'm counting those blessings before hormones hit), we can afford for her to go to the activities she wants to, we're not crippled by childcare costs, or two lots of school uniform etc.

We've got friends who have 4 children, they need a 7 seater car, they will need to move or extend their home as they are struggling with their two youngest sharing (boy 4, girl 6). The two eldest are in pretty much mens clothing so it's pricey.

There are plenty of cousins and friends her age around and they all get on beautifully, two of my friends have only children too, and the three children are closer than either DH or I have ever been to our siblings.

My only child and I were leaving nursery the other day. He was a but dismayed to learn his wee pal wouldn’t be joining us at the playground because he had to go with his mum to pick up his sister.

Says my son to me, “WE don’t have a sister!” (Neutral, really, just an observation)

The “we” really made me chuckle: like a sister would be a third party addition to our bilateral relationship and she would somehow be a sister to us both. I’m an only child myself, so in one sense he was absolutely right!

I am an only child and there are both positives and negatives. I had my parents' undivided attention growing up. This meant I couldn't get away with much which, from my parents' POV was a positive. It meant my parents could afford to buy me decent? Christmas and birthday presents but they certainly weren't wildly extravagant by any means.
My parents have both very recently died. Both of them within the last 12 months. It has meant that I am solely responsible for sorting everything out. Yes, it makes inheritance easier as everything's coming to me, but it means I have no-one to help me, no-one to share my childhood memories with, no-one with a shared history with me
Would I change anything? Yes, I would very much like to have had siblings, and also no, because I have learned to be resilient and not to rely on anyone other than myself.

My DC have several friends who are only children. NDN both sides have 1 dc each.

It looks like a very nice way to be! I'm always running around, never sit down, frazzled, stressed about money/time/work/childcare and they re all super relaxed, have lots of meals out and nice holidays. The mums are much more groomed and stylish and more senior in their careers etc etc. The children are all delightful, sociable, confident and doing well at school.

I don't think only having 1 child is viewed how it used to be. I just know/know of so many! I think cost of living, lifestyle expectations, career advancement etc etc are all factors.

I’m an only child. I wasn’t a very happy one but I think that was due to other factors.

There are many positives to having an only child and positives to being one.

The thing I find most difficult as an adult only child is actually quite a nebulous one - it’s the knowledge that once my parents are gone, I’ll have no family other than my DH and children, and no link to my past.

Not what you asked but I am an only and had an only and I wish I had one more for DS’s sake . Only thought this way having to cope alone with my mums dementia and I worry for DS in the future .It is my regret.

I am really torn, I know you can’t always decide how many you want before you know what one is like. I always dreamed of a big family but realistically if we have more than one (in our current financial situation, 60k a year combined) I worry we won’t be able to go on nice holidays or help them as we hope to as adults. Our salaries will go up steadily over the course of the next 10 years but it’s unlikely we will ever have more than 80k joint.

To anyone who’s already commented their experience, would you let finances and living a more comfortable life be your decider for sticking at one, even if that means they may have less people around them when they’re older? Or do you suck it up and value a sibling more than being skint for a bit.

To anyone who’s already commented their experience, would you let finances and living a more comfortable life be your decider for sticking at one, even if that means they may have less people around them when they’re older? Or do you suck it up and value a sibling more than being skint for a bit.

Finances were a huge part of our decision. We used some savings to enable me to have over a year off on maternity leave. I got a promotion just before I went back to work, and so went back full time, and even with a substantial payrise the childcare fees were crippling.

We did a lot of examining our finances, and having a second child would have had significant impact on things like my pension, career progression, the ability to move house; we considered everything, and because of our desire to pay for DD through university (or a big deposit on a property) we agreed that, realistically, we could only afford to do what we wanted to do by just having one child.

I'm saying all of this while listening to her play with her "brother" (who is the son of my dearest friend and also an only child), she is certainly not missing on having a "sibling" relationship.

Finances were definitely a consideration and even more so as prices have increased so quickly. It wasn't the deciding factor though. It was more about our wider lifestyle and wanting to focus on enjoying our long wanted child and not go back to the dark days of loss

Environmental responsibility. Plenty of time and resources to devote. One is fabulous.

Costs are lower.

I think this is a big one isn’t it

I'm one of 4 and I have an only child. My father is unwell and the other three refuse to do anything to help. It's all on me. Siblings are not a guarantee of support when you need it.

I wonder if your DH would be so keen if he was the one doing all the feeding and taking a year off work

DD is only child. It was never a consideration or discussion to have any more. Lots of people have been quite rude asking when we'll have another. We won't.
Pros outweigh cons.

Pros (this is just off top of my head)
No sibling bickering
More money to spend on her (she's had multiple sports clubs, horse riding etc. anything she's shown an interest in we've been able to explore with her until she found what she loved. We probably wouldn't have been able to afford that with two children or more.
No logistics of ferrying several kids round to different activities.
Obvious cost saving (ie only one school
Uniform, lots of days out even cinema would be unreasonably costly)
Unlimited attention
She's developed an ability to make friends easily despite being shy. She's not had siblings to hide behind. My dh says that he relies on his brother to make friends for them, DD hasn't had that option so is great at making friends easily.
She's also happy with her own company and enjoys peaceful solitude

Cons
I don't think she's very good at dealing with conflict. When her friends argue she can't deal with it, we have a very peaceful house so she's never had to. I wonder if she had a sibling whether the inevitable fights would have allowed her more resilience?
Sometimes on holiday I wonder whether she's bit lonely but she's good at making friends so it's usually on fleeting thought.

There's lots more pros and cons I could think of but pros def outweigh cons

Ultimately I'm happy with my one and done. If you ask ds whether she'd ever want a sibling then answer is and always has been a no.

I do think if possible only children should have a pet tho

My main point is that an only child doesn’t have to define themselves by reference to their siblings, which I see in a lot of families.

We have an only (not by choice) but are both one of three, and we definitely created part of our view of ourselves by comparison to our siblings. I see it all the time in our friends’ families too because it’s almost impossible not to. We are all different. This can be good or bad depending on the circumstances obviously but an only doesn’t have that.

Our DD seems to prefer being an only on the whole, she has said this. I think she sees friends squabbling a lot with their siblings and moaning about them. As a teenager, she does now learn things from her friends older siblings too. Overall I’d say they don’t miss what they don’t know.

Loads of reasons.

Environmental, cost, attention to name three. I always cringe when i see people trying to justify multiple kids by saying 'I wanted to give them a sibling'. One is fine.

There are so many positives. DD is nearly 2 and we won’t be having any more, I’m so enjoying fully embracing each stage that she goes through in a way that I don’t think I personally could if I had to go through TTC/ IVF/ pregnancy/ loss/ birth/ newborn stage etc again.

I suppose we haven’t drawn a total line under it as we still have 2 embryos but I would be very surprised if we change our mind.