To ask for your positives to having an only child

[LongRoadtoNowhere]

I have one DS who’s 2. He was very much planned and wanted, and we’re very lucky to have him.

I never wanted children when I was growing up, I just wasn’t hugely interested. When I met my DH, this changed and I was keen to have one, although he always wanted 2.

I had a reasonably straight forward pregnancy and birth, he wasn’t a hugely difficult baby, just the usual lack of sleep / stress that comes with a child really. But I’ve never felt the urge to have another.

Many of my friends with kids the same age either already have another, are pregnant or are going to start trying soon. I seem to be the only one that doesn’t want more.

My DH has brought it up a few times and I feel really guilty, but equally don’t want to have a baby just to make him happy when it would be me sacrificing my body/career and taking on the lion’s share of responsibility.

Although I can’t see me changing my mind in the near future (and I’m not young enough to wait very long anyway), I’d love to hear positive stories about people who have one child - just to put my mind at ease about it all!

As above pros are time, money and undivided attention. DD has multiple hobbies that we are happy to pay for and take her too. If we had more than one this time and money would need to be shared between them. House is calm in comparison to friends with more than one. She is comfortable going somewhere new and making friends. We have a great relationship and enjoy just hanging out together. I am one of 3 and don’t remember ever just hanging out with my mum/dad/parents.

Obviously there are cons too. I am a little sad she’ll never experience having siblings. I get on with my siblings very well and a lot of my childhood memories are about the three of us. But there’s no guarantee she would have had the same sort of relationship I suppose. She’s the only ‘only’ that she knows, which she sometimes comments on.

Move to London, at least 40% of my daughters class are only children. It’s totally normal here

And I love it btw, would never have two!!!

Our only DD is nearly 15 and life is pretty great.

Financially we were able to give her what we wouldn't be able to with more.

Just come back from a school trip that was £600. Couldn't do that if we had 2 or more.

We've built up a great nest egg for her when she gets older.

Aside from the financial aspect, she get 100% of us. When she is out for a sleepover, we can spend the night doing whatever the hell we want.

I adore our gang of 3

Love having just one. She can have a life that we couldn't afford with two, and she's 12 now and we just love hanging together. We have a shared interest that keeps us busy most weekends, and have just come back from a relaxing holiday where we were just a happy gang of 3 enjoying chilling out together. She's never had any of the 'issues' that people lazily associate with only children, she makes great strong friendships, she shares, she cares about people, she's ace. She's also comfortable in her own company, and from a young age has been very comfortable chatting nicely with adults.And she gets to really pursue the things she loves (she competes at regional and national level at get sport) and knows we can support her fully in that. It's ace.

Our DD5 is an only (by choice). It’s fantastic. We each get time to ourselves, we can both dedicate time to our daughter’s hobbies. She loves having friends over but equally enjoys the peace and quiet when they’re gone. She’s outgoing, confident, kind and a complete joy. And I’m a far better parent to one than I would be to two or (heaven forbid) more.

We have one 10yo:

Cheaper - sampler car, smaller house etc
He's not reliant on others to entertain himself
Can give him all attention

My only real con is having to rely on other people who have their own lives etc for play dates when they're more important to me than them when they have other kids.

We have an only child. He's now 21, left Uni and is starting a job with a blue chip company next month in a different city 2 hours away. He's got lots of friends, we've never had any problems with him. I honestly don't think it's made any difference to him at all. We've often asked him and he's always said things like "you don't miss what you've never had".

Both OH and myself have a sibling, but neither of us are in contact with them, neither of us had anything in common with them, and we both pretty much did our own thing and had our own friends/hobbies in childhood and teen years. As adults, the only things we have in common were parents (i.e. looking after them in old age) and now they're all dead, we have no contact at all, other than christmas and birthday cards.

Just having a sibling doesn't mean you're going to be lifelong friends and support each other. My mother in law had a couple of brothers who lived away and forgot to tell them that she'd moved! She thought it was strange one year when she didn't get christmas cards from them!

We were under pressure to have a second child from both sets of our parents as they were "only ones" and seemed to have "issues" about it, hence why both me and OH have siblings, and we tried for a second, but didn't really put much effort into it! If we'd had a second, then fair enough, but we really weren't bothered and didn't do anything to make it happen - basically we did nothing to "stop" a second pregnancy from happening, but didn't do anything to encourage it happening either. As the years passed, we kind of forgot about it!

I chose 1 because I find being a mum hard. I'm not always my best self or the saintly, patient mum I imagined being.

My child deserves the best I can give her and a second baby would make me more frazzled and a worse mum to both.

Positives. We can move to be nearer to her if she relocated as an adult. We can attend every party and revolve our lives around her alone. We have a lot of fun.

For me, I was either going to have 1 and give her my everything or 3+ because then you get an old fashioned sort of set up of everyone mucking in together.

I grew up as one of 2 children and we fought and competed for most of it. Even now, I have lovely friends with 2 kids and no matter how well they parent, they say the kids fight a lot, even if there are some sweet moments. I just dont think any of us need the drama, especially when, from what I've seen, most siblings either grow up and dont have much of an adult relationship or, the lucky 20% are really close. The odds arent in favour.

As others have said there are pros & cons to everything in life. We have one DD & I wavered a bit when she was 2 or 3 but the decision was then partly taken out of our hands (medical issues). DP only ever wanted one. I’m now so thankful that we have just one as DD is likely autistic & needs her space. She does ask for a baby at times which I find heartbreaking but as a 5 year old she has no concept of what that would involve! It works for us as a family. Honestly if you’re not sure don’t do it!

More than one friend has said that they wouldnt change DC2 for the world but in hindsight they would have stopped at 1.

The finances
The bond
The free time
The lack of wading in on sibling disputes

I have one and never wanted more or regretted it for a second. My DD (19 now) is well socialised and happy. She actively says she never felt the need for a sibling and is perfectly happy being an only child.

I was an only child and had a lovely childhood. My mum was a single parent, so it was just the two of us. We did a lot of holidays together, I had loads of opportunities, and I never yearned for a sibling or felt hard done by in any way. She recently died and I am feeling the effect of being an only child a bit now, but I think that's only natural and there are always going to be peaks and troughs in that sense. Another benefit (although a bittersweet one as I'd obviously rather she was here) is that she has been able to leave me a lot of money and I get everything, which will make my life and that of my children immeasurably easier, and avoids the all-too-common disputes about wills and dishing out family valuables.

We considered sticking at one but did eventually decide to have a second and it's been wonderful, but our decision-making was based around the fact that we actually wanted another child. We have a very small and spread out family, and felt that due to lack of grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles etc. nearby, we we wanted a slightly bigger immediate family. Our two girls adore each other, but I am sure as they get older it won't all be plain sailing!

Only children are not lesser, and can often have better opportunities and relationships with their parents. The only reason to have more children is if you want more children, not as a playmate for an existing sibling or because of any future relationship that may or may not happen. Have the number of children you can handle practically, financially, and emotionally. If that is one, then that's all you need to do.

Well, I'm one of four, and my parents are NC with one sibling, another would be useless, and the third will live nowhere near, siblings aren't a guarantee of extra support either.

But both my parents and my in laws have made significant investments and savings towards not needing our help to an extreme degree.

Will it be enough? Who knows. But there are no guarantees in any choices.

I'm definitely not planning to add another human life to the world on the grounds that the current baby I'm growing may or may not want help taking care of me in the future.

This is true. They are very common in London. Nobody comments on it and the parents look more chilled than me. I have two and it’s aged me!

I have two and by far the most stressful part of parenting right now is refereeing when they fight. Which they do frequently and if I don't step in straight away it will usually get physical. We have moved house for an extra bedroom which has doubled our mortgage. I'd love to be able to do more one to one time with them both but struggle with time. I don't regret my second child but life would be a heck of a lot easier with one.

I am an only child and love it. Currently pregnant with first (and planning to be only child). I did grow up across the road from another only child the same age as me and we are practically sisters to this day. So that was obviously a huge benefit and down to chance.

The fact I've grown as an only child and liked it is probably a strong factor as to why I want only one. But also what everyone else has mentioned. I don't want to get through the sleepless nights and nappies just to start it all over again. I don't want to be a referee between siblings, and be rushing from here to there and everywhere for different clubs. I think it's nice to be able to devote all your time and attention to just one. But it's all personal choice and opinion.

I remember when I was pregnant with my second, a kindly neighbour commiserating with me saying “…it must be so tempting to keep to one…” I thought what an odd response it was as I’d always wanted a big family. She had two boys and clearly had regretted the second and felt that no other woman would want to inflict that on themselves!

My point is it just depends what you want. There are pros and cons for both. And people say how their child ‘loves it’ but no one will ever truly know that until their chid is an adult with choices of their own. So many only children have a different view to the parents on this.

The resistance in your post comes through loud and clear. The resultant burdens will fall largely to you so I say the choice is ultimately yours to make (and it sounds like a ‘no’).

As an adult only child - finances. Can’t tell you how much of a financial advantage it has been to be an only child. This must offset the ‘who will look after you in your old age’ to some extent as well. You have more money to save if you are not paying for more children.

Since we're talking about being adults as an only child, I thought I'd add to my previous comment with my experience.

The reason I only planned for one was a very traumatic childhood because of a sibling. I had the sibling from hell. I've had NC with my sibling and our mother for over 20 years.
My father sometimes talks to my sibling but not often and they don't live near each other (my mother and father have divorced before my NC status btw). I might as well be an only child to my father right now.

However my dad is still in my home country but my best friend and childhood friend gets on with my dad really well and she sometimes helps him out with a ride or a little something he needs. So to me, it's all about the relationships you nurture along the way.

We have an only child. Not through choice as it happens, but knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have it any other way.

DD is an adult now, but benefitted enormously from having our undivided time and and attention as well as more financial resource to facilitate her various interests and ambitions. She was never lonely, as she has always had tons of friends, and she said that she can't miss something that she never had. We are extremely close - I think the parent-child relationship is a bit different when there is only one child.

I used to worry a lot about how she would cope when she's older and we're ageing and she is the only one having to deal with it, but tbh, I am the only one dealing with my own ageing parents despite having a sibling, so there are no guarantees. We will just plan ahead as best we can to minimise the burden on her.

I have two children and the days when I just have one is absolute bliss. They just wind each other up and argue constantly. It's such hard work!

I’d like to offer an alternative view to this. I have a sibling who does NOTHING to help my parents and it’s down to me to look after them in old age. A sibling is absolutely not a guarantee of support in later life and definitely not reason enough to have another child!

Exactly the same here @Inkpotlover. My dsis does nothing.

And it was the same for my mum as well because neither of her siblings were living in the same country.

My dd has seen first hand how it all falls to me despite me having a sibling, so I don't think she'll perceive this as a negative when she is older.

I have 2 children but my siblings have one and their lives certainly seem simpler! (Although it doesn't feel it to them)

• More free time
• More Money
• Cheaper afterschool care
• Grandparents can easily babysit for one child overnight but leaving 2 is a bit of an ask.
• You don't become a referee by default.
• Easier logistically to facilitate after school activities
• You don't need to split your time and energy between them

I adore my second child but I think I'd have managed to keep more of a life for myself if we just had one.

Yeah, I think it has been easier to maintain my career with one as well.

Parenting multiple children is definitely harder. I feel that I have had the luxury of having been able to really enjoy my child at every stage of the journey. Some parents look so frazzled and ground down by it all!!