Some people can only talk about themselves..

[Whatkindofuckeryisthis]

There’s two people at my work (office type job) who only seem capable of talking about themselves. They come to my door and say ‘how are you?’ Or ‘how is your son?’… I answer and they then proceed to talk about themselves. No matter what my reply was! I nod and join in and try and ask questions back and interject with things about me…. For example.. asked about my holiday then told me about when she went, everything they did there years ago and didn’t listen to anything I said, I tried to join in with ‘oh we went there’ or ‘we ate at this place’ and she just talked over me!

It’s the same every time she talks to me and also one other lady is the same! It’s so frustrating that I pretend I’m on the phone when they pass to avoid it!

Why are people so weird?! How do you deal with these interactions?

Counsellors are the WORST. My sister is a counsellor and she's also a full-on narcissist, I think she has (undiagnosed) NPD. It has actually put me off ever seeing a counsellor again. I can't imagine what she's actually like with her clients as she has no interest in other people except in the sense of how useful they can be to her.

There are people for whom others are just white noise. They wait for that irritating buzzing to stop before they can go 'I', 'I', 'I'. It's utterly enervating. They can't see or hear anyone else. I have a relative like this. I have recently decided to severely limit contact with them. I don't feel that I in any real way exist when I'm around them, so frankly what's the point in being around them. It's quite damaging.

Oh that's so interesting! I have often wondered if my friend has narcissistic tenancies. I mean she has been lovely and kind to me in the past but her focus has always been very much on herself. I've seen how she is in her romantic relationships (which are always short lived) and it's always about her! She never gives any thought to what her partner wants or needs.

Saving this thread as it’s been helpful to understand something about myself!

I am good at my job (lots of counselling style interactions) because I have to focus on the client and I share virtually nothing about myself. But I find social situations and small talk tiring, even though I can do it. It’s because I am always wondering what and how much I should share in a 2 way conversation. If I don’t share enough, it is sometimes embarrassing later when they find out that e.g. I have been to that country they are talking about and even lived there for a while. But if I start to speak about my experiences I feel like I am boring the other person. I sometimes rely on questions but then it gets to feel like I am interrogating someone.

I have always wondered why I keep picking supporting/advising type jobs when I think I would be happiest sitting at home entering data onto a computer but I see now how it’s happened.

Yep these people can’t help themselves. My father in law is literally just waiting for you to stop speaking so he can launch into a story about himself…

'Two ears and one mouth' is something I struggle with it and had to learn how to actively listen and ask questions. Every interaction is exhausting because I've built a firewall to try and stop me from rabbiting on! After every social event I lay awake replaying every conversation, beating myself up for possibly saying too much or learning how to engage better next time.

Provided I'm on good form, I can listen for hours with an interested look on my face, listening to people excitedly go on about themselves and opinions. It's nice to learn something new and hear people passionately speak about something that's important to them. However it's disappointing when you try and open about you and within 10 seconds they hijack your point with their own slightly related experience which veers the subject back to them!

It's seems to have gotten so much worse since COVID. Conversations are becoming a bit like Instagram posts - essentially one way and all you are expected to do is 'like' it!

This is how I do all of my communication. I listen and then try and relate it to my own experience so I can understand and empathise with the person and then share that experience in the hope that there will be something in it for them. Otherwise I am not really doing anything useful. If I can't find something in my own experience I will keep searching until I can find something relatable.

Your comment about conversations being like an instagram post that you are just supposed to like is spot on. I say this a lot. I think social media has had a big impact on the way people communicate. It’s like people have forgotten how to communicate in real life. I came off Fb/insta a few years ago and I can tell the people who use it and don’t use it by the way they speak.

I've realised lately that people generally don't actually listen to what you're saying. A certain work colleague always asks me questions about my life and will ask for recipes or skincare recommendations and will never ever use any of it. Then she'll ask me the same stuff again. What's even the point? I don't expect people to be interested in my life but why even ask if you're not going to listen?

I work with someone like this and initially I was friendly with her until I realised she was only interested in talking about herself. I would attempt to interject the conversation, she would simply pause to look at me then carry on with her own monologue. I now keep my distance as she is to coin a phrase an 'energy vampire', sucks the energy right out of you.

ADHD with some autistic traits here and same!

I actually don’t really want to share anything but I equally don’t have the curiosity to ask many questions - I just hate inorganic chat. I find it difficult to get the balance right and can’t really figure out how to show that I understand/empathise without sharing something I’ve experienced. I basically can barely speak (and seem like a twat) or I say too much (and seem like a twat).

So I’m still a knob but I can’t really seem to sort it out. 😂

And, yes, I just made this about me. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Does her name begin with a J? 😂 I worked with someone who did this endlessly (skincare, I can’t cook).

Haha no!

Same with my sister, only expand that to every member of the family. Her last partner left her because of it, and so did the one before. Obvs she can't see that though - in fact she's likely to project and describe them as narcissists. She is quite an extreme case of NPD though, complete with narcissistic rage. I think narcissism exists as a spectrum - we're all capable of it, but for some people, it's the defining trait in their personality.

I mean, this is how conversation works. But it's definitely going to be harder if you have ADHD.

I have a neighbour like this. he doesn’t even say hello, just starts talking about himself. It’s very odd. He’s a teacher so you’d think he would have some communication skills.

A lot of my DH's friends are like this....my interpretation of it is that it shows a real lack of social skills. Very draining people to be around! I start of being polite then after awhile end up withdrawing from conversation.

It would have been amazing if it was the same person! 😂

That's not all people, though, most people are genuinely interested in the lives of their actual friends and family. It's the people who have strong narcissistic traits that couldn't care less and don't want to talk about anything if it's not about them. I don't think they're all bad people but some of them are boring and irritating - well unless you enjoy three hour conversations about eg their facial filler, which personally I don't. It's not like they even listen to any views you might have about it anyway.

Have a relative like this. Whatever is going on for anyone else, this person has it worse.

If your dear old aunties has died, they inform you that their aunt was abusive to them as a child.
If you break a bone, they tell you they know just what it's like because they had a sprain once.
If you are going on holiday, they mention that they cannot go on holiday because of xyz ailment, and such-and-such an insurmountable problem.

It's soul-destroying.

Appreciate you being gentle with me!

I really do try (and I actually listen and retain info people tell me really well) but the chaos of my train of thought and the impulsivity of my responses probably don’t demonstrate any of that!

That's terrible they aren't friends. How are you doing now?

I just think people have a lot going on and have their own lives so they often don't remember a lot of what acquaintances tell them. Which is fine if it's quick chit chat in passing and they ask about your kids to be polite but it's a bit annoying when someone is asking me to look up recipes for them or write down skincare products. I think she just asks me as a sort of social bonding or maybe she really does intend to, who knows.

@Barold but I bet even though you can't help it, becuse you are actively trying your best to filter the chaos in your brain, your a better conversationalist then most people! :)

It's like what I mean to say, what I think I say and what I actually say are three different things. I always believe I've blurted the 'knobby' thing. Thankfully my partner acts like my 'guide dog' for my mouth and it's never quite as bad as I think!

Elevenerife- too funny!