Some people can only talk about themselves..

[Whatkindofuckeryisthis]

There’s two people at my work (office type job) who only seem capable of talking about themselves. They come to my door and say ‘how are you?’ Or ‘how is your son?’… I answer and they then proceed to talk about themselves. No matter what my reply was! I nod and join in and try and ask questions back and interject with things about me…. For example.. asked about my holiday then told me about when she went, everything they did there years ago and didn’t listen to anything I said, I tried to join in with ‘oh we went there’ or ‘we ate at this place’ and she just talked over me!

It’s the same every time she talks to me and also one other lady is the same! It’s so frustrating that I pretend I’m on the phone when they pass to avoid it!

Why are people so weird?! How do you deal with these interactions?

I'm autistic & have been accused of turning things round - all I'm doing is showing I care and can relate, by sharing relatable content. When I'm with other autistics, it works wonderfully, we all follow the same or similar patterns of communication, generally. It's very exhausting for me to have to try and mask, to modify how I communicate with allistics, so among many other reasons, its partly responsible for my becoming super insular. We aren't being knobs, we communicate differently. I'm super sorry you've been made to believe your brain's communication style is not valid.

There are genuine knobs out there who do talk about themselves constantly who aren't neurodivergent who could do with a good poke. But fuck that if I'm exhausting and upsetting myself to change a fundamental part of my functioning to appease a few people who don't get it. I prefer to avoid them instead. Not my loss.

Had a manager who would ask you if you watched X tv show last night and when you said 'No I don't care for that show' would launch into a monologue of last night's episode with sidelines of each character 'because you don't know their story'. Guaranteed to last 30 minutes. Drove us nuts.

I get what you mean though…

I know it isn’t the best way to react, but I think a lot of people will talk about their own experiences as a way of trying to empathise.

‘Oh - your aunt has cancer? That happened to my aunt too - it’s awful.’

I mean - it’s shit. But not coming from a bad place?

on the other hand, I also know a lot of monologuers…it’s so boring!

I have an old school friend who constantly talks about herself like she’s the main character in the movie and we’re all supporting characters.

Lots of talk about the kind of person she is, stories that reflect how amazing she is. We all have to sit and listen.

I have one person I know that's like that, best way, just let them walffal.

We have the same dad. Mine is definitely neurodiverse, though undiagnosed aged 80. My mother just thinks it’s ‘what men are like’ and is fascinated that my DH and male friends are capable of a normal reciprocal conversation rather than monologues about dental work or appliance repairs, as she sees that as a female thing.

It could just be hyperactivity if they’re also talking very fast

Is it not normal for people to talk about their own lives. I get that you say they were talking over you but there are so many comments here about people who talk about themselves. Is that not how most conversations go? They ask about you and then talk about themselves. I like listening to people share their experiences. I'd rather that than listen to gossip about others or have people just nod along to what I have to say.

I have seen various social media memes and Tik Tok about how it is a ND thing to talk abut yourself.
Fair enough, but own it and try to minimise it, because yep, it does make some people look like knobs.

This is an autism trait and I do it myself, it's about relating to the person and giving advice through shared experience etc., but others see it as you being all me me me. You're not a knob, it's just a trait we have. I still do it but am cautious of it and do stop myself if I feel I'm being too much!

My mum is like this, drives me nuts. Everything I say to her she cuts me off and tells me about when she did said thing.
So I’m hyper aware of it in myself now and constantly making sure I’m not doing it 🤣

@HermeticDawn

We have the same dad. Mine is definitely neurodiverse, though undiagnosed aged 80. My mother just thinks it’s ‘what men are like’ and is fascinated that my DH and male friends are capable of a normal reciprocal conversation rather than monologues about dental work or appliance repairs, as she sees that as a female thing.

I strongly suspect my dad was neurodiverse but never diagnosed. I also think so many men in the past were just expected to be like this and were indulged because they were men so it was alright. My dad was able to hide his boringness to an extent because he had had a very interesting career so the content of what he was talking about was often superficially quite interesting (involving well known people and so forth). But nothing is interesting for long if delivered in a self-important monotone, constantly cutting into other people and without the slightest regard for other people's concerns.

My mum had exactly the same approach and if we ever pointed out to her how "me, me, me" he was we would be told he was "very clever", as though that was an explanation and carte blanche to bang on at length to anyone and everyone on your views on everything.

It was quite a poor life lesson for us children as well because I grew up learning to associate this sort of verbal narcissism with "cleverness" and it took me a long time to learn that talking endlessly about yourself a) doesn't make you seem clever and b) repels a lot of people.

There are many reasons I'm pleased about the fact that people are much more literate about neurodiversity these days but I can't help wondering what my life would have been like if someone had pointed out to my father when I was a child that he was boring the pants off people most of the time.

How do you have a good conversation then? I admit I probably talk about myself too much - it's the subject I know the most about! But when a friend is telling me about something that happened to her I feel like I can either just keep asking questions about it (and feel like I'm badgering her), just keep saying oh that's terrible/great/whatever which is boring and runs out of steam, offer advice which is unsolicitedand probably unwanted, or try to relate with an anecdote about myself or someone else I know. Are there any other, better options?

Unfortunately my DM is like this.

The worst is when they ask you a question then literally talk over the answer. I mean,why ask?

Yep I have a friend that monologues, it’s either all about herself or her kids. And she can keep going for hours! She’s on transmit not receive.

It's the way its done, though. Of course people talk about themselves: you are your own source material and its absolutely natural to want to talk about your own experience.

But there's a knack to using this to build bridges with other people and making them feel like talking is a shared experience rather than a verbal duel. The main thing is making people feel that they are also interesting, rather than making them feel that every utterance is something painful to be got past so you can have airtime to speak.

For example:

Friend A: "I've just got back from a week in Greece".
Friend B: "How lovely, where were you?"
Friend A: "X location."
Friend B: "Oh wonderful. We were there a couple of years ago. Did you find it very touristy? We were surprised by how quiet it was".

As opposed to:

Friend A: "I've just got back from a week in Greece".
Friend B: "Oh we went to Greece two years ago. We found it very quiet."

When you talk to people in the second category you always get the sense your comments are something to be got over and got past as opposed to being something of intrinsic interest and it's draining and belittling after a while.

I used to work with a woman like this. I think a lot of it was work avoidance - she'd spend her mostly making the rounds of the office, starting a conversation with every person and then launching into her monologue about her hobby, her husband, her car, her diet, etc etc. It used to drive me mad! You couldn't focus on your work at all because she was so loud you could hear her no matter where she was, chatting the same inane crap over and over!

She was of course, the highest paid of us and very busy and important

I used to work with someone like this: I knew all about her family and her children and her thoughts and ideas and I doubt she even knew my surname and she definitely knew nothing at all about me because she never asked and she never left a space for me to get a word in. I just started avoiding her after a while.

I do wonder what these sorts of people get out of relationships?

If the way you relate to other people is to constantly monologue at them and you don’t know the first thing about them what is the value of those people to you?

Surely if people exist simply as a receptacle for your opinions then one person is completely interchangeable for another?

I am a good listener,very rare of me to say to anyone that I'm having a bad time.

Two times come to mind....
Phoned a friend to tell her I had breast cancer...oh no not you as well,a lady I work with has just been diagnosed and ...etc etc etc.

Was having a rough time about a month ago a friend asked how I was and instead of the usual cheery smile and I am fine thanks I actually said I was feeling quite low because....she said oh I know because I get like that and ....etc etc...then after what seemed like an age listening to her she said well you can always talk to me,right must go now bye
I wanted to scream well I was trying to do just that but now you are going.

Yes we are in a society which encourages narcissism. Children are encouraged to go on endless journeys to 'find their true selves' and be 'their authentic selves'. Hence they know nothing different.

Personally I grew up being taught that the art of conversation is to find common ground to discuss and also to show lots of interest in the other person. This is not only interesting, as other people have different lives and experiences to me and I can learn something, but also it helps forge a bond.

This approach has served me very well in my personal and professional life.

I have a group of friends and within that group there was a woman with two children who regrets becoming a mum, now does three jobs to avoid her children and either talks about how much she hates being a mum or about her three jobs.

Another one has four children and all she talks about are her children to the extent if you ask her how she is, she tells you how the children are.

The only other topic of conversation either of them have is complaining about the only other one only talking about parental regret and work or children. Everyone else just stopped inviting them everywhere because attempts to change the conversation or anything else didn’t work and it got too much, they could turn any conversation back to themselves and the topics they wanted to talk about and no one else could share anything about their children, work, or anything else!

Just listening, without interrupting, finishing someone else's sentence or talking about themselves or their own stuff is a hard thing to do. Then there are some people where it's very extreme and one might just as well say hello (or not) and let the other person do all the talking.

I do it too. Some of the best conversations I have are with other autistic people. The conversations go on such a tangent and Google gets involved frequently. They are the only type of conversations I actually find enjoyable if I'm honest.

I had a friend like this. She would give me chapter and verse on a particular (very niche) TV show that she loved. I had zero interest and she couldn't seem to twig I would watch it myself if I did.

Am definitely guilty of being a 'good listener' though and would nod my way through it with regularly: "Really?/wow!/right/ah ok...As the hour wore on my responses became more muted 😂

This was all on very rare nights out and would take up half the night when we could have been dancing or mixing with others etc..
It was draining.

She monopolised every other conversation to talk only about herself too and never asked about anyone else. Ever.