Some people can only talk about themselves..

[Whatkindofuckeryisthis]

There’s two people at my work (office type job) who only seem capable of talking about themselves. They come to my door and say ‘how are you?’ Or ‘how is your son?’… I answer and they then proceed to talk about themselves. No matter what my reply was! I nod and join in and try and ask questions back and interject with things about me…. For example.. asked about my holiday then told me about when she went, everything they did there years ago and didn’t listen to anything I said, I tried to join in with ‘oh we went there’ or ‘we ate at this place’ and she just talked over me!

It’s the same every time she talks to me and also one other lady is the same! It’s so frustrating that I pretend I’m on the phone when they pass to avoid it!

Why are people so weird?! How do you deal with these interactions?

I have a friend like this .Anything I mention is instantly reflected back to me by her experience of it or similar .Or her friends experience of it .
It's wearing .

Closed questions are your friend for people like this.

They illicit either a yes or no answer or an exact one work answer, a date, a place etc.

When did you go?
Did you go with your partner?

And then in the pause for breath you get in quickly to say your piece so they can't monopolise the conversation.

The joy of the closed question is that it shows you're listening because your question is relevant but puts you back in the driving seat.

Failing that, you could be blunt and simply ask them why they asked you about something if they're not actually interested in hearing about it.

I quite like chatty folk though. I find it exhausting having to be the entertainment but will do it if I must. I much prefer listening, it's less exhausting. I have one friend of over 30 years and I'm fairly sure she knows practically nothing about my personal preferences or thoughts because whatever I've done, she's done more, but, given what I know about her, this comes from a place of deep insecurity rather than narcissism.

If they would just pause for breath they would learn that I am far more interesting than them.
😉😁😁

I also find that actually I don't want to talk to someone who dominates the airwaves so much, I have no desire to share my thoughts with someone who isn't interested.

I work with a group of 10 other women. Six are serial monologuers. My work environment is noisy with voices.

I am quiet. When I say something people listen. When they say something important it is lost in the interminable chatter.

I think you are spot on there about insecurity as opposed to narrcasistic conversation.

I’ve found some people are like this initially before settling down a bit when first meeting them. With some, I’ve discovered it’s just the initial anxiety of meeting people or social anxiety and it improves with time. Other times they are just conversation monopolisers and quite self-absorbed.

I get bored of monologues fairly quickly as I find it incredibly draining, and avoid them as far as I can. There is a woman like this who recently joined a social group I’m part of. She will actually interrupt someone else by shouting, “Oh! Oh! I have to tell you this!” People with infinitely more patience than me are captive audience, whilst I’m thinking of leaving.

@ImGonnaHaveToTurnMyBackOnYou

But fuck that if I'm exhausting and upsetting myself to change a fundamental part of my functioning to appease a few people who don't get it. I prefer to avoid them instead. Not my loss.

I do get that it's much more challenging for people who are ND and this comes from a place of genuine interest as opposed to judgement...

But why is it so insurmountable to learn to ask people questions during a conversation as opposed to simply layering your observations onto those of others?

I ask this because I spent decades feeling terrorised by conversations with my dad which were more like a battering ram than a conversation. Anything I said to him about my own life was a cue for a stream of consciousness about his own life. He literally never asked me a question about myself and I genuinely think that he didn't know anything about me and my opinions or interests because he couldn't ever listen. It was extremely upsetting and damaging.

I've come to accept that he was almost certainly ND (though he never had a diagnosis) so I don't exactly blame him for it and I think in his own mind this was just how a conversation went. But I did ask him many times when I was old enough why he couldn't ever stop, take a breath and just ask me a question? And was met by a response so furious that it wasn't worth revisiting it. Maybe his idea of a conversation was to have everyone shouting one another down and he genuinely vibed off this but it was so stressful and upsetting for others I couldn't believe at some level this didn't register with him -- we would routinely be reduced to tears by his idea of a conversation. He was a clever man and, ND or otherwise, I couldn't really accept that he couldn't make this leap for his family.

This is clearly a personal perspective and obviously isn't applicable to all people with autism and autism may be an irrelevance with many of these people. But I just want to try to understand why the idea of reciprocity in a conversation is so taxing and stressful that it makes you want to avoid people altogether?

This made me laugh. 😂

Not to turn the conversation back to me, but I know one of these people too. In fact when I had a sudden bereavement and was finally able to go back to work, she found a way (no joke!) to liken my loss to the grief she felt when her house sale fell through.

Because its absolutely exhausting. It never becomes like second nature, you don't truly learn it so you end up having to have a script for every interaction. If the NT person then says something you haven't prepared for, then it all goes to shit.
If it was as easy as just 'learning it', people who are autistic wouldn't have trouble with communication. Its the fact that we can't, that makes us have a communication difference. It's one of the core traits needed for diagnosis.

I have a friend like this. He never used to be like it but recently I've noticed he is very like that. Not one bit interested in what I have to say only themselves. Its strange as it only happens in person and not over messages.

@Thepeopleversuswork
That's exactly my dad too! He used to be high up in his career and so no one called him out on this, people just resigned to be a captive audience. Same with relatives and friends, people were just too polite to say anything. I find it so embarrassing and shocking really.

@WanderingWitches

Because its absolutely exhausting. It never becomes like second nature, you don't truly learn it so you end up having to have a script for every interaction. If the NT person then says something you haven't prepared for, then it all goes to shit.

OK that's helpful.

Does that mean you have to script every conversation which includes a question? Is it reciprocity and spontaneity itself which is the source of the upset?

How do conversations work with close family and relatives in this scenario? How do intimate conversations play out if someone you love and trust says something you don't expect in conversation or if they ask for something you haven't planned for?

eg if someone you love says "the way you dealt with that situation really pissed me off, I'd like you to think more about x in future"... how does a neurodiverse person deal with this?

I'm curious to understand how this circle gets squared in real life. Because obviously one can plan to some extent for this and make allowances etc. But family life (and life in relationships) inevitably involves some unscripted and unexpected interactions and some discussions which involve confrontation and stress. How can a NT person support a ND person to learn from experiences or guide them/steer them to coexist with NT people without this sort of alienation?

I get that. It used to be advised in magazines as well if I remember rightly so it was something I had to unlearn as o got older.

(Not aimed at you) There is a world of difference though between a statement of acknowledgment and making it about yourself. For example:

"Yes, auntie Emma had that, it was a very difficult time. Have work been supporting you?"

And

"Yes, auntie Emma had that, X happened, Y happened, then uncle Bob did this, Auntie Rachel did that, blah blah blah, full story"

This is a really helpful thread, particularly those point out the difference between using your experience to relate and turning a conversation onto yourself.

Honestly, these are the worst kind of people and there are more of them than there are not.

I cannot stand someone who is Incapable of conducting a 2 way conversation.

I’ve got a couple of friends like this. One in particular I’m distancing myself from.
we met last week .I’d say the discussion was all about her except for a few minutes. It’s exhausting, I think she’s lost other friends because of it, and I’m now cutting down on seeing her.

I don't script with my family members because they don't care if I get my words mixed up or answer the question in a random way.

Yes, the spontaneity when conversing with an NT is a problem, especially if they do not know I'm autistic. I have a list of things to ask about with different people that I know. With questions I'm not expecting, I'm more likely to keep it vague.

As for intimate conversations, I'm not entirely sure what is classed as an intimate conversation. With the example you have given, nobody in my family would speak to me like that. I know that I feel very awkward when NT people talk about feelings and emotions because I just don't experience them in the same way. I've no idea how to comfort people or even if they need comfort.

I've no idea how an NT & ND can learn to coexist as I try not to be around them if I'm honest. My DH has adhd and most of my family seem similar to me but without diagnosis. I don't have any friends at all, which I'm happy with. I have acquaintances who I see when I am doing hobbies but we don't really have what you would consider a 'proper' conversation.

My conversations with my eldest who's 20 and autistic are brilliant though. We can talk and talk for hours. Yesterday we spoke about USSR, the Berlin Wall, Japanese food, different types of protein, people who farm insects etc. We flit from topic to topic, sometimes deep diving into our special interests.

I have a colleague like this. I've worked with her almost 2 years and I doubt she even knows the names of my children. I, on the other hand, know everything there is to know about her children, her dad, her sisters, her husband and all of her many, many health issues. The latter in gory detail and usually relayed when I'm eating.

If I mention anything about me she just grunts a reply. I try to avoid conversations with her but it's tricky.

@WanderingWitches

As for intimate conversations, I'm not entirely sure what is classed as an intimate conversation. With the example you have given, nobody in my family would speak to me like that. I know that I feel very awkward when NT people talk about feelings and emotions because I just don't experience them in the same way. I've no idea how to comfort people or even if they need comfort.

Thanks, that's really interesting.

I ask because my partner is also ND (although his ND manifests in a very different way from my dad). In my partner's case he is also made profoundly uncomfortable by talking about emotions because he doesn't really experience them in the same way as I do. If I challenge him on his behaviour in any way he will listen and respond to it but will do so in a very literal way, so for example if I pick him up on his behaviour in one situation he will apply it almost literally in the next scenario as opposed to drawing broader principles from it. When they do he is very diligent about applying himself to correcting it but he seems not to understand the principle of why things have upset or triggered people.

That was a bit of a derail, sorry. I guess what I'm asking is whether NT people can ever expect ND people to "learn" to read people or at least to pick up on emotional triggers and learn to anticipate that certain behaviours will upset or trigger people at a general level? For example, will a ND person be able to extrapolate that if I'm bored of listening to them talking about football for a long time I may also be bored listening to them talking about Formula One for a long time? Or fishing or music or whatever. Or does it have to be extremely specific?

My sisters partner is like this. He lives in his own world, and the rest of us are merely bit-players.
ANY TIME anything a bit exciting has happened to someone else, he'll either say something like "Oh, that doesn't sound like my cup of tea at all!" Or he's done something better. If you've just had a lovely week in Tenerife, he's just had an amazing month in Twentyerife. It's infuriating.

Yes! The thing is it's perfectly natural to want to talk about yourself all the time but if you have any self awareness you know to reign it in!
I have a friend who lives many miles away and we meet a few times a year in London for the day. The last 4 times I've meet her she has spoken about herself solidly for 10 hours!! Last time she asked once "How's work?" I said one thing in response and she immediately brought it back to her! Apart from that one question she didn't allow me to say anything about my own life. She openly says that she loves meeting me because she can just talk about herself a lot.
I come away from our meetings feeling quite deflated because I actually have things I'd like to talk about too. The worst thing is I know she can be a really good listener. She's a counsellor, for goodness sake! I've started seeing her less frequently because it's just not very satisfactory for me.

Yes, I did the same. She would ask how my weekend was and then proceed to go on about herself. She had a boyfriend, called Sean. The amount of times her me me convos included "my Sean"..as you say, very draining.

There was a woman like this in Caffe Nero the other day. Sitting opposite us and bellowing at her friend for a full 45 minutes SO LOUDLY that we felt like we were part of the conversation.

She didn't let her friend get a word in edgeways just bellowed on from one topic to the next about herself, on and on. She could have had the same conversation with a wall given her friend wasn't allowed to speak at all.

So un self-aware.

I have a friend like this. She talks about herself endlessly - her two topics of conversation and life interests are her looks (she spends a fortune on 'procedures') and the latest man she's met on a dating app and how this one really is 'the one' and then it'll be a different one two weeks later - and isn't remotely interested in my life. My dad has stage 4 cancer, which I've told her three times now, and she's been shocked at the 'news' every time. She actually thinks I am a completely different person to what I am, because she just assumes that everyone who isn't out every weekend boinking lots of different people must be an introvert. I am not introverted at all.

But despite all the above, she actually does have a kind heart. She's picked up my kids for me and helped me out lots of times. Just a bit of a narcissist, but I don't think all narcissists are absolute horrors.