To think some people on here can be a bit naive with regard to ‘the village’?

[Buildyourvillage]

I see it quite a lot on here, that if you need sudden childcare either because of an emergency or last minute change of plans, you should have a village to call on.

I found out I was expecting my (planned!) baby a couple of weeks after the first lockdown was announced, but I was still determined to be as sociable as possible. My own parents died before I turned 30, so I didn’t have them as support, but we had DHs parents although they live about an hour and a half away.

We did the NCT course and we were really lucky as everyone in our group hit it off and I know not everyone does. However, we’re a little widespread geographically and most significantly, out of six of us, four went back to work FT: two straightaway, two initially went back PT but then got different FT jobs.

Toddler classes here are hit and miss at best. We do the activity with the toddlers and I am always friendly and sociable but somehow it’s hard to strike up meaningful conversations beyond ‘how old is she …’

I have seen on another thread that you should be apparently organising childcare swaps with other mums to cover for school holidays and the like and I’m not against that in theory but in practice I do wonder if one persons village is another persons CF. AIBU?

Agree with this ... I know some people don't like it that other people disagree with this village thing and everybody should be helping everybody out la la la but tough shit, not everyone thinks the same. Maybe this 'village' thing would be OK in an ideal utopia but in reality it doesn't always work. It results in the people who are a bit soft and kind (and a bit of a pushover,) being used and treated like shit, by users and cheeky fuckers.

When my kids were younger and I worked very part time, we lived in a little cul de sac where it was very quiet.

Loads of kids from the big estate made friends with my two kids and 'preferred' our house as they got fed and looked after and it was really quiet compared to their house. Their parents would happily have them stay in our house for hours and hours on end ... We would feed them, we would play with them, we would take them to the cinema and playbarn and Maccies with our 2 kids, and we'd go and take them back to their house because the parents couldn't be fucked to come and get them.

Half the time the parents were OUT when we took their kids back. so we had to then try and hunt them down - and sometimes their kids didn't get home til 10pm. They were with us ALL day and evening/night! Trouble is, with some people - you give an inch and they take 10 miles!

We got mugged off so badly so many times by parents palming their kids onto us ... not because they didn't have anybody else to take care of them, but because they couldn't be arsed to parent their own children. And could not be arsed to even bother coming to bring them home ... The amount of times we had to drive them home or walk them home because their parents couldn't be arsed was outrageous.

This 'it takes a village' thing is all well and good - but you will get people taking the piss, and piling their kids on you and getting you to do everything for them because they can't be arsed!

To be quite honest with you I don't do anything for anybody now. I will do something in an emergency - but I don't do anything for anybody otherwise, because I spent so many years being mugged off and walked on by so-called friends and work colleagues and neighbours/school mums ...

People cadging lifts, people borrowing money, people borrowing things and not giving it back, people getting me/expecting me to do things for them and fetch and carry for them, and people palming their kids off on me. When I started saying NO, these same people fucked off. And they never did fuck-all for me. (And my kids and my DH.)

No more! As I say, we don't do anything for anybody unless it's an absolute emergency ... yes we may struggle if ever we had a dire emergency as we only have our 2 adult DC who live 20-25 miles away, and several good friends (15- 20-ish miles away,) both sets of parents are dead so no help there...,

But it's a risk we are prepared to take. To not be used, shit on, mugged off, and walked on by users and cheeky fuckers with their take take take, and never give. End of the day, our neighbours are lovely and will help in an emergency - and they have a couple of times - and we have helped them. Just wouldn't help anyone on a regular basis, and definitely won't look after anyone's fucking kids! Been there done that.

I tried to barter childcare over the summer and everyone was like “sorry but I’m mostly at work and when I’m off work we’re going away”.

Sounds like these people have been bitten before by cheeky fuckers and people mugging them off, and trying to palm their kids onto them, and like with the parents in MY scenario, never wanted to have their kids over.

In 15 years I have NEVER done childcare swapping or anything like that with another parent. I don't know anyone that actually does do anything like that, people tend to rely on family (many are lucky enough to have family) not other parents.

Me! I do this 🤷‍♀️ But I'm always happy to pick-up/drop-off my kid's friends from school or to mutual activities or to birthday parties when I can and never say "no" to anyone coming over unless we're away. For example it's absolutely no extra effort for me to pick up an extra kid from school and drop them to an activity that my daughter also does. I don't see it as an onerous favour and other parents drop my kid off if they're going the same way. I'm a single working mum (although I wfh a lot) and my family are abroad.

I was a single parent for years, and built up my circle of friends who were mostly also single parents. We didn't tend to do reciprocal play dates etc as none of us was dating, but we got together for days out so the kids had playmates. It worked well.

But when I moved in with my long term partner, something shifted. I had one friend in particular who started to ask favours as though I was her backup parent, with the expectation that because my partner might be at home (she never asked if he was, he worked FT as did I), that I could leave my own kids for example at midnight to look after her sleeping kids as she needed to go to A&E - I was getting these calls at least once a month. It was getting ridiculous. I backed off and she stopped contacting me. There are pisstakers that ruin it for everyone.

Gawd, I'd have hit the roof if the neighbours with small children in years past had asked that of my mother or me.

Yes the childcare swaps thing, you can't actually get a meaningful amount of childcare with this. If im off work its often because we're going away ourselves and the same is true for other families. The only people who around a lot are the sahp and why would they want to have my kids? They don't need me to have theirs.

I also only get 25 days holiday so the last thing i want is to have 2 or 3 extra children on my day off, its really hard work looking after 4 or 5 kids all day.

For example it's absolutely no extra effort for me to pick up an extra kid from school and drop them to an activity that my daughter also does. I don't see it as an onerous favour and other parents drop my kid off if they're going the same way

Thats not really a childcare swap though, people mean having maybe a couple of kids for say, a half or full day in the school holidays while their mum/dad work. Hardly anyone actually wants to do this.

I tried to barter childcare over the summer and everyone was like “sorry but I’m mostly at work and when I’m off work we’re going away”.

This is me and everyone i know. We are away the only time ive got off this summer and most holidays except Christmas, when i don't want an extra child around.

I also think a lot of the concept of the "village" is based on periods of time when you had lots of young/heathy women not working outside the home. Where I live everyone woh. There are hardly any sahp.

I can think of just 1 parent in my DC class who is not working at all.

The only people in the village i live in who are around the during the day are the very elderly folk. The people in their 60s are often still working or are doing some childcare for their own grandchildren. There's no one with the time to help others with their kids.

This is the thing - I don't want to work all year and then clock off of my actual job and spend my "holiday" running a bloody childminding business on the side. I would like a bit of a rest!

Exactly. More people work more hours than is actually needed these days, despite there being technology and knowledge to mean we shouldn't need work so much.

I’ve never minded doing the bulk of play date/childcare swops. The problem is there are parents who think they don’t have to do any of it and you are left doing 100%. It’s amazing how many women are happy to use other women.

It’s true you do have to meet a lot of people to find people you gel with. The problem is it’s hard to meet that many people sometimes past a certain age, depending on circumstances, so you can tend to latch onto people when you find them.

I used to live somewhere where the situation you describe was what we did. It wasn’t so much being friends with the other parents, but knowing each other because of our children and their activities/school. It was great..

Where I live now is totally different. People have a much more rigid approach to bringing up their children and don't swap childcare like this. I’m glad mine are older!

Well no one "wants to" exactly but if you've got limited annual leave and limited budget then it can be the lesser of evils, especially if kids are kicking off about holiday club or it's a logistical pita to get them there. And tbh sometimes I find I can do a bit of wfh while they're occupying each other, as long as I don't take the piss. Anyway, it's fine if it doesn't suit other people, but I don't get the strength of feeling against other people doing things differently.

Whereas nowadays most people on MN tell others, "it's none of your business" when the Op is concerned about potential child or elder abuse. That's what changed in society people actually caring about and wanting to look out for others. Very sad.

We never had a "village". Two full time jobs and far flung home towns meant we were lucky to have an alternative emergency contact within 400 miles.

YANBU - DC is 10 and i have tried to make connections with other parents over the years, nothing ever comes of it. We have no family remotely near. Hence we have no village. It is hard and lonely

I found my 'village' when DD went into junior school. I became friends with her friends' parents. We saw each other all the time at school pickups, the park etc. The kids started doing the same clubs. If the kids all need to be at the same venue we share lifts, we cover childcare emergencies for each other. School holidays are broken up by the gang of them descending on a different house a few times a week. It's a good feeling to have a community and to know that there's multiple sets of parents looking out for the group.

But I didn't find it for myself when DD was a baby, DD found it for me!

all these mothers on here looking for child care swaps and not able to find any, maybe you could be helping each other if you live near enough

We had quite a good ‘babysitting club’ where a couple of streets around us traded tokens for babysitting. They were metal curtain weights, and we knew all the other families involved and ‘paid’ with these weights and then returned the favour. It worked really well. Wasn’t an emergency childcare facility or that didn’t occur at the time we were there but I’m sure if it had been needed, our neighbours would have stepped up. Really good system.

I found this all kicked in once they started primary school- we knew all the kids and all the parents in the group, everyone was very engaged and took part in things, we were all in an email group (later WhatsApp). It was completely normal for someone to email the class to ask if someone could pick their kid up because they had a doctors appointment, help out with drop off, video them in the concert if their parent couldn’t make it etc etc. Also rotas for lifts to extra-curriculars etc. So not quite holiday childcare but a lot of helping each other out.

I love my ‘village’. Everyone mucks in because few of us have parents anywhere nearby, or willing or able to help. So right from preschool days we’ve all helped each other out. Why drive just your own kid to Cubs when you can take three, and then benefit from someone else returning the favour next week? And there’s always someone asking on the class WhatsApp for ‘someone to grab Evie after school because I’m running half an hour late’ Etc. There’s a real sense of all being in this together.

It goes beyond school mums here - there’s a rota for different village groups to run a monthly coffee morning for the older folk, and a ‘good neighbour’ network where people volunteer to do shopping or hospital lifts etc for those who need it.

I think it’s just a very friendly community where people like to help each other out. I suppose not all communities are like this. I do feel lucky.

I'm hopeless at making friends, always have been. I seem to have managed to gain a few friends over the years but none with similar aged kids and none local to me.
DH seems sociable but still doesn't seem to make friends, guess that's why we are compatible.

Been to loads of groups while on mat leave, enjoyed them but rarely got passed, how old?, has he done xxx yet? I'm quite deaf, and it's been exacerbated by health issues so can barely hear in some places, and whilst I explain, people don't really understand and think I'm being ignorant, so making friends never likely to happen.
We are just winging it if we/lo get sick basically.
I don't think 'the village' is necessarily a geographical concept though, in these days, your village can include video call contacts, ldr etc etc, is just about having other input in your child's life, not just parents.

When we grew up in the 60's and misbehaved anywhere, my parents knew about it before we even got home!!😥