To think some people on here can be a bit naive with regard to ‘the village’?

[Buildyourvillage]

I see it quite a lot on here, that if you need sudden childcare either because of an emergency or last minute change of plans, you should have a village to call on.

I found out I was expecting my (planned!) baby a couple of weeks after the first lockdown was announced, but I was still determined to be as sociable as possible. My own parents died before I turned 30, so I didn’t have them as support, but we had DHs parents although they live about an hour and a half away.

We did the NCT course and we were really lucky as everyone in our group hit it off and I know not everyone does. However, we’re a little widespread geographically and most significantly, out of six of us, four went back to work FT: two straightaway, two initially went back PT but then got different FT jobs.

Toddler classes here are hit and miss at best. We do the activity with the toddlers and I am always friendly and sociable but somehow it’s hard to strike up meaningful conversations beyond ‘how old is she …’

I have seen on another thread that you should be apparently organising childcare swaps with other mums to cover for school holidays and the like and I’m not against that in theory but in practice I do wonder if one persons village is another persons CF. AIBU?

There is no village, relatives owe you nothing and making friends in order to swap for childcare is full on cheeky fuckery and v risky for safeguarding. Some people haven't left the 70s with regard to responsibly caring for their kids.

@Elephantinasandstorm times have changed I'm not surprised if people don't know their neighbours at all. We are not in the 90s where things were far different you knew the milkman, you knew the lady in the penny sweet shop by first name and she knew the kids faces because we went to the same local shop for our sweets. I fully agree it's not easy to start making friends in your early 30s.... because most people meet there friends at school, college or uni. As you get older and you tend to have less money and you socialise less... I think this is the issue with dating too slightly off topic I know!

My dh have absolutely zero support despite having lots of family . We have three kids and tbh we’ve given up hoping for any help or offers a long time ago. My own family are totally hands off and dh’s have mental health problems and other issues and can’t look after dcs.
We have lived abroad and now in our home country and it hasn’t made the slightest difference. I’m in Ireland and we are very much in a minority having such hands off family , it’s weird in our culture tbh . I have great friends here and yup we swap over lifts and im sure they’d help if a had an emergency but they all have family help and it would be extremely weird to ask them to mind all my 3 dcs for a night or a weekend , it would be so so odd to do this! It’s not as simple as making an effort and building your own support network . You’ll get lots saying they live thousands of miles from family and have built their own network, they are simply lucky and maybe it’s more the done thing where they live..I’m in Ireland and despite having great friends , no, I couldn’t ask them to mind all of my dcs and I’ve never once been asked as they all have family support . I have offered in the hope it could be reciprocated but they don’t need it .

@Saschka 100 percent! I had to get my neighbour (we get on well) over when I went into labour and it was awkward afterwards even though I gave them
money and it was extremely quick and kids were asleep. I think they were wondering why on earth my family wouldn’t come and help and even then my family didn’t offer which shocked me tbh but what can you do. Also completely re the mum at the school gates , unless it was an emergency I can’t imagine asking “oh can you have my three tomorrow, I have an appointment “, honestly it isn’t normal here as everyone has help from family.

Riiiiiiiight... 🙄

It's quite sad when people isolate their kids from the community. I don't see it at all as CF to have my daughter's friends over or to pick them up from school when I WFH and drop them off somewhere. If any little favour is automatically seen as CF, that's just sad. I have also asked other parents for favours when I needed help. It's not a big deal if your kids are friends.

@Conkersinautumn do you feel the same re elderly people /aged parents like fck em if their old and need help 🤷🏻‍♀️

You ask different people though, I have 3 so if had an emergency would ask parents in each class. But I know them all at least vaguely, am in all the groups, work almost ft but do get a bit involved and also know my neighbours both sides and opposite and the postman other delivery people and all the people in the local shops.

I'm sorry? What do you mean? I'm happy to support people who ask me (and having worked in childcare and care people do). But I could never trust anyone but a pro with my kids or my elderly relatives. I'd never send my kids off to some other kids house just because they're in the same class. I don't have the balls nor do I trust others. Certainly not my family!

(But I certainly don't expect my kids to care for me when I'm older, if that's what you mean)?

If course if cheeky fuckery just to befriend people for childcare, I've been on the receiving end of that fake friend shit and I was bloody glad when I moved away. I was fucking hurt the day I realised they only faked an interest in me in order to get a babysitter (cheers Alice).

Most (normal) people don't just befriend others for childcare. In the real world, when the kids are friends - you get to know the parents. It's not some kind of secret conspiracy to try to get maximum favours from other parents. But it's quite normal to befriend other parents if your kids are friends. 🤷‍♀️ Honestly, in my world school parents are all ordinary normal people.

Most (normal) people don't just befriend others for childcare. In the real world, when the kids are friends - you get to know the parents. It's not some kind of secret conspiracy to try to get maximum favours from other parents. But it's quite normal to befriend other parents if your kids are friends. 🤷‍♀️ Honestly, in my world school parents are all ordinary normal people
This. I'm quite glad that the parents I know offline are ordinary people who pass on toys/clothes, talk at the gates, have coffee with me, come round and let our children entertain each other whilst we have adult conversation, and do favours for each other.

Well, I'm not changing my past experience or decisions because some one on the Internet says its perfectly normal to let my kids go to some random from the school gates house! It's not ok.

So your kids never go to their friends' houses? Unless they are very young, I don't think that's normal.

They don't, no. They meet people at the park, at parties or events so that they've got to know people over time. Do you just go to the house of someone you've just met? Alone? Without a phone?

When I had dc we didn't live near any family. I met friends through nct and baby groups and not one of them had family around so we did rely on each other for social and practical support. There were 3 of us who did babysitting for each other in the evening (prob once a month) and we looked after the others dc of they went back for a kit day/ had an appointment they couldn't take dc to.

When dc went to nursery we used her key worker as a babysitter also. I was lucky that I met quite like minded women (professionals, easy going, similar personalities) so I never felt lonely. I think you do need to really put yourself out there initially to reap the benefits later.

What do you mean by "just met"? If the kids go to school together (or to activities) then surely they're not just some randoms off the street and you get to know the parents? It's really unusual in my experience to not allow your kids to go to their friends. 🤷‍♀️ I have a teen, but she's been going to and having friends over pretty much since reception. How else do kids make close friends?

How do you get to know parents of other kids at school? I collect drop off/ collect and head home. I'm not going to bore someone with inane getting to know you stuff, I'm fairly confident everyone has somewhere to be!

They are randoms who happen to have children in the same school as mine, hardly grounds for a friendship!

I have two teens, they seem to have managed just fine with boundaries, thanks.

I don't know how it's possible not to get to know parents (at least in primary). Literally just by standing and smiling to someone next to you at the pick up line. It's minimal effort to chat to someone at the gate for a few minutes if your kids are in the same year and get on. And I don't know any teen who has never been to a friends' houses. That sounds so strange to me and quite sad.

But friends you made at school/college/neighbourhood/work were all just randoms who happened to be in the same place at the same time. That's how friends are made 🤷‍♀️

I think it also depends on where you are. I'm close friends with a couple who live in a small town in America. They had their first baby two weeks ago and every single day they've had people over to help do laundry, take out the trash etc. There's a meal chain so they haven't had to cook once since coming home with their baby.

If you personally don't want to make friends with other people just say that. Don't make excuses that XYZ aren't grounds to make friendships, does it really matter where you met that person? I don't see why your main focus is on the location you met a person rather than what the person is like themselves.

Oh dear. You do realise people smiling and nodding at the school gate doesn't make them your friends? Do you teach your children that if they're smiling that's it, you're friends.