To think some people on here can be a bit naive with regard to ‘the village’?

[Buildyourvillage]

I see it quite a lot on here, that if you need sudden childcare either because of an emergency or last minute change of plans, you should have a village to call on.

I found out I was expecting my (planned!) baby a couple of weeks after the first lockdown was announced, but I was still determined to be as sociable as possible. My own parents died before I turned 30, so I didn’t have them as support, but we had DHs parents although they live about an hour and a half away.

We did the NCT course and we were really lucky as everyone in our group hit it off and I know not everyone does. However, we’re a little widespread geographically and most significantly, out of six of us, four went back to work FT: two straightaway, two initially went back PT but then got different FT jobs.

Toddler classes here are hit and miss at best. We do the activity with the toddlers and I am always friendly and sociable but somehow it’s hard to strike up meaningful conversations beyond ‘how old is she …’

I have seen on another thread that you should be apparently organising childcare swaps with other mums to cover for school holidays and the like and I’m not against that in theory but in practice I do wonder if one persons village is another persons CF. AIBU?

It's a load of bollocks that just reminds me of that Motherland episode where Julia tries to offload her kids and ends up accumulating
more and more.

Most of us make friends because we get on with them, not because we've sized them up as willing and available to do childcare for us.

"The Village"'isn't about reciprocal child care (although it sometimes does mean that.) It's more like knowing that there's someone you can call on in an emergency. Or other people knowing you can be called on. It's about a support network- someone to talk to, share information with. That sort of thing.

YANBU OP - people on here suggest “if you don’t have local family, ask one of the school mums to look after your child for a few days while you are in labour”, “ask one of the school mums to do a food shop for you if you are a single parent with norovirus”.

It’s the “take in ironing” of childcare. Not practical in reality.

I dont find that realistic at all. My kids much older now but found had no backup as most school mums worked. I just hoped I had no emergencies! My parents elderly. Not sure where the village is lol. I have it easier now as dont need childcare.

I didn't really need to build a village for childcare purposes because I have loads of family support but I did join a really great mum group to socialise with and they help each other out with childcare swaps all the time. We're all in the young toddler stage but when someone puts up a request in our WhatsApp group for someone to watch their kid some evening they'll always get someone offering to take them.

But the phrase doesn't necessarily mean a network of friends either.

It means general community, so the old lady on the corner who you don't know very well, will tell off your little shit and make sure she says something when you next pass her and your little shit knows not to do the same again.

Or Fred Bloggs up the hill knows that it benefits him to run the local football team because that stops the little shits getting bored and causing trouble.

Or June Brown over the Bridge holds weekly cake sales to raise money for the footbank so Betty's kids don't get hungry and shop lift and get into crime.

Etc etc.

It's about people working together and understanding community benefits everyone even those you don't know and that has a positive effect on everyone.

I’d always bank favours. But that depends on people needing favours - most peoples port of call tends to be own parents and that’s not an option for us.

@Needmorelego there are MNetters like that, I agree. I also think it’s pretty obvious I’m not one of them.

It does depend where you live, very rural is going to be trickier.

If know people you can ask in a dire emergency you can ask at other times too surely ... Just make sure they can say no easily, that you say thank you and offer to reciprocate, that the favour isn't too onerous, that you don't ask the same person too often, that it doesn't end up costing them extra in food or petrol, and that your child is nice to their child, and you won't be a CF.

People may not always be available, but I have always found someone to help. Saying that you can't ask because people aren't always available seems a bit defeatist

I'd also add - I tend to be quite easy on offering. Eg, if I am going past someone's house on the way to a party I'll offer to take their kid too, that sort of thing. Makes it easier to then reciprocate. You very quickly find out who the CFs are and avoid them!

I think it starts once at school and they are older and you don’t have to worry about other childs need for specific car seats, nappies, snacks etc. You offer to take another persons kid home as the parent can’t etc. often school WhatsApp groups have “can someone drop x off at all, I’m in a meeting at pick up time” or similar

For what it's worth I've both done and accepted childcare favours with friends but that's very different to having the sort of network that could be available at any time in a emergency.

Let's be honest, whose boss is going to be ok with you leaving work in the middle of the day to pick up a friend's ill child from school? Some of them are bad enough when it's your own child.

I’m sceptical when I hear the phrase as well OP. I think it has strong undertones of normalising women taking on even more unpaid caring work than they do currently.

I think the unsaid implication of all these neighbours and friends willing to help out is that it’s women who will do this. I don’t think men are expected to help out in this way.

Well I've shopped and been shopped for during illness. I could have called on people to have my child during labour although didn't need to in the end. Friends did that for other friends in the group. I think that's totally normal. Not for days but for a few hours.

It does require making an effort to get to know people locally.

I'm pretty sure "the village" idea came from the days when extended family would live close to each other, i.e. parents, grandparents, uncles/aunts, etc all living basically within sight of each other on the same street, next street, etc. So it wasn't so much as "neighbours" looking after each other's kids (and elders), it was extended family all mucking in as necessary. In that kind of scenario, it's pretty easy for "non family" to integrate if they were living, say, between a young family to the left and the family's parents or grandparents to the right. If everyone's kids were playing out together and in/out of each other's houses, then "looking after" almost comes naturally and automatically.

I really don't think it works when it's not extended family, and even more so with modern housing estate layout as homes are so spread apart, on different "closes" etc, rather than the old fashioned street grid system or rows of houses built around village greens etc.

Certainly it didn't happen to us when we had our son. Our village is pretty spread out and is the only school covering several smaller villages, and there were no other kids of the same (or even similar) age on our estate. For "playdates", it always involved one of the parents driving to drop off and collect, rather than just walking within sight of each house as mostly it was between villages! We've never had anyone we could call on in an emergency - if it was dire, there's one woman neighbour who we'd trust and would probably agree to look after our son, but she was often out anyway as she had an active social life and extended family, so we didn't see much of her. The others are either barmy, too old to even look after themselves let alone a child, or at work all day!

OP thanks for making this thread, I feel the same as you

Looking after poorly young children is a parent's job really (or close relative anyway). That's not something I would ask a friend to help with.

I’m childfree and I don’t particularly like children, so I don’t do anything for other people and their children either out of the pure joy of the experience or because I’d like to foster some kind of reciprocation. But I am (despite what I’m sure my posting history suggests!) quite friendly and community spirited and if I’m not doing anything else I’m pretty much always happy to lend a hand. So if any of the neighbours I know even only on acquaintance terms knock on my door in an emergency to ask if I could watch their children, or do the school pick up, or collect some Calpol from the late night pharmacy, or drive them at midnight to A&E with a sick baby, I’m more than happy to do so (and I’ve done so, many times.)

I’m willing concede that MN might not be representative of real life; but half of MN seems to a) fixate on their “own little family” to the detriment of any other sort of relationship, b) refuse to open the door to anyone, c) have very fixed ideas around social relationships and d) hate talking to anyone they don’t know well. So they’d probably never get to meet or know their own local Comtesse, who I’m sure exists far more widely than a lot of people think.

IME for a night out people pay a babysitter. For some reason on mumsnet posters say they have ‘no childcare’ when they actually mean ‘no unpaid childcare’.

The ‘village’ comes into play when you need someone to collect your DH from school as a one off or look after them for an hour when you have a medical appt etc.

@Badbadbunny it’s an old African proverb.
The phrase “It takes a village to raise a child “ I mean.

I agree @SnackSizeRaisin but if you post to say that someone will suggest ‘getting a friend to have them’.

Babysitters are fine for nights out but if I was very unwell and struggling to care for my child I don’t think a babysitter would cope.

Yes I know, but my point stands, that I think it's more about extended family living close together, than random neighbours, so there's more of a community spirit because many/most will be related, even if only distantly. Blood is always thicker and all that...

I agree but I've heard on here more than once that if I can't be at school to pick up a sick child within an hour I need to have a person closer by who can. It's simply not realistic for many of us.

So you're not happy for a friend to pick up your sick child as it's not their job, but you're happy to leave them at school for over an hour with whatever random school person has a bit of spare time?

That really is not what she was saying @redskytwonight . Sorry but that is just being argumentative for the sake of it.

I know someone who created a network around her of people to take her kids etc and help her out.
Ask her though, she’s always busy or tired or some weak excuse.
I thought we were friends but when it was clear i wasn’t interested in having her kids overnight I got pushed aside.