Don't understand how you be happy after children grow up

[tikitikitembonoSaRembo]

I know it's not normal but I can't understand people who don't feel this way, but I want to.

My two children are beginning to do many more things without me as they grow, want to be alone. I've realised I don't spend half the time with them I used to.

I was a very hands on mother, didn't work during the first few years, then worked around school and would take them out twice a week, spend Saturdays playing with them.

I even have things in my own life. I'm part of a local group which I love and I still work but I feel like my identity and life are slipping away and I don't know how to be happy without being my children's world.

Maybe I messed up along the way but it's this crippling depression.

I know I can go out, meet people, stay up late etc. as I become free of my children, but I don't want to be free of them. I should have had six and gave my life to it but I realised too late that I loved being a mother and only had two.

I'm single and I own my home so could sell up in a few years I suppose, but I don't want to, all our memories are in this house.

I don't feel my children are my whole identity but they are the best thing about my life and I don't think anything could trump it.

Yes normal to feel sad at stages passing but you have to find YOU and do things for you , not pin your whole life on them. They will grow up and your home will be empty one day, happens but you need to address why you feel this way now.

I resonate with some of what you're saying, motherhood and homemaking is a privilege and a joy.

Have you thought about volunteering?

I took my DD to story time at the library today, there is a lovely woman who does the story time there, she also runs a toddler group once a week locally.

Perhaps you can help other mums and enjoy their children.

More than likely, one day OP, you'll be someone's nanny and you can pour all that love into your grandchildren as much as your own. But until then you need more for yourself, I don't know what that, is but you need to try and put yourself out there so that you can find out.

And we could reframe 'filling the void' - also as 'finding a new meaning in your life'.

People do that in life after all kinds of losses and indeed bereavements. To frame it positively it is about finding meaning in your next life phase.

As PP said - looking after an animal - fostering an animal? Taking in students, contributing in other ways to the community - is surely finding meaning in the next phase of life, isn't it? People do it in all kinds of ways.

This is really great advice. I have no real relationship with my mother, who among other things acts as though my siblings and I are her entire world and all she ever talks about is what each of us has been up to, as if we don’t speak to each other. My MIL, on the other hand, is always so much fun to be with because it’s clear she loves us all so much, but we can talk about the places she’s been, books she read, films and TV, classes, theatre, groups she goes to.

Any shift in life stage can be difficult and upsetting, but maybe try to think of it as a positive opportunity rather than something to grieve? Your children are still there - and now you get to mother them in a new, changing way, and it’ll be exciting to see the shape of it? Good luck, OP.

Apols if already mentioned. Can you foster?

I understand OP, my baby is only 10 months but I already think about this and how I wish I'd started earlier so I could have had a few more. But it just wasn't realistic.

She has added so much to my life, I love her so much and I can already see that this is the most loved and needed I'll ever be in my life.

All I can say is I imagine what you're dreading will be more of a gradual change rather than them disappearing in a puff of smoke, so you will adjust as you go and maybe it won't feel so bad in reality.

If they go to university they are back for the holidays and a lot of young adults end up coming back to live anyway so it isn't as final as you think ever.

Also with social media still speak /message to them at least weekly sometimes daily

Also it's surprising how you do get used to them being gone especially if you have animals who still need you

Why won't you give their ages OP?

This is all very weird and a bit unhinged sounding. You're no doubt smothering your children.

I completely understand as I feel the same way. Mine are 12 and 14 and I am already worried about how I'll cope with an empty nest when they leave, even though I've got years yet. I am single too, with no urge to meet anyone else, but I've been thinking maybe I should go on some dates and stuff because I should build a life without my kids.

That said, I have a really active social life and loads of friends. But it's just not the same easy intimacy you have with your kids - and I have bloody great kids tbh. I was thinking I might foster (teenagers) once my kids are at uni. I'll have the space and would like the company. That or I'll end up with 52 cats and 76 dogs. And a horse.

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

I have had this quote rom Kahlil Gibran framed on my wall for many years. Maybe it's helpful.

I know what you mean and I think it isn’t often clear or glamorised what life is like post children. Women sort of disappear don’t we? Unless we’re grandmothers or angry mother in laws.

Do you have many friends of a similar age?

They will still be in your life but in a different way. Do you think you want to work with or volunteer with vulnerable children?

I have twins who have just finished their first year of Uni and I understand what you are going through. I will say it does get better, or you do get used to it and now they are both home for the summer it’s pretty overwhelming! The house is a bombsite and my grocery bill has quadrupled! It does feel complete though. It’s a weird separation but rest assured they will still need you.

Maybe you are anticipating this and your children are still young? I felt like this and spent years mourning their eventual departure but when they did go - both are at uni in a different country to mine- I was ready for that new chapter. I was weary. And the mothering goes on, just different .
Just enjoy the moment. They will never be as young again as they are now.

This is so true. So many mums of adult children i know dont give them space to have their own minds. They don't let them grow up and grow away. But its to fill their lives. Not to help their kids.

Well I suggested OP take up a meaningful job and got deleted ……… coming from someone with adult children I live very much but, as I said in deleted post, have not based my identity around.

So, I guess Mumsnet wants the message to be, base your identity solely around your children only, and don’t have anything else in life. How that helps, I have no idea.

Regardless of how others feel on here or how normal it is, if you feel empty and depressed please talk to your gp, get counselling or other professional help OP. Some mums will be able to empathise with your situation, some won’t.

my dc are all late teens now and all busy with uni, work, relationships etc. despite me always working full time, busy social life etc, it does feel weird not to feel needed or be able to do things at the weekend as a family etc anymore. I do miss it, but I also enjoy the freedom to do what I want when I want to. I actually like my dc being adults and I can do more adult things with.

I could be wrong but I am guessing your DC are still pre teens @tikitikitembonoSaRembo ? Lots of posters have asked you their ages as it’s very relevant.

When mind we’re pre teens, it was incredibly painful to imagine not spending most days with them.

However, as they grow up and slowly become independent, you really do adjust. Most parents even go off their kids a bit during the teenage years!!! They can be very trying.

So my advice is to stop worrying about a situation which might not impact you nearly as badly as you think. You will still love them of course, but you may find yourself counting down the days until they have their own front door!!

MadameCholet if you know you know😂

Pretty much this. It gets better and you rediscover you again.

I haven't RTFT but surely fostering is the answer here?

Sounds like the OP would be an amazing foster mum.

I understand and feel similar. I'm also a single mum and my kids are 15 and 17. We're now focused on university for one, thinking of sixth form for the other and it all just feels like their childhood and the life I've known for do long is ending. I want them to be independent but for me it just feels empty. I have a job, a partner, pets etc but I am like you - it seems a bleak life looking into my future. Maybe it's a bit menopause/depression symptoms too. But I wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling the way you do.

How about a job in childcare, for example fostering or nannying. Also keep doing things with your kids, keep booking things they will like to go to. Do you have any traditions - things you’ll always do together no matter what age they are? We’ve always had a family holiday every Easter and always spend Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and Xmas together. Traditions keep families together no matter what age.

I... can't relate at all. I loved my life pre-DC and I find my kids more and more interesting as they turn into real people. There are so many fascinating and enjoyable things in the world that I really look forward to doing or doing more when my kids no longer occupy so much of my time: culture, languages, literature, travel, walking... Sometimes I feel a little sad that baby snuggles are over for about thirty seconds, but at the same time I have absolutely zero desire to go back to nappies and broken nights.

But I think that insight on adult child relationships is very true and penetrating. My relationship with my DM has been badly damaged by her inability to stop (s)mothering me, and that even now she can't hear about my life without immediately trying to get me to do it her way.

Well op I have grown up dc living at home and much as I adore them there comes a time when you are ready to let them go, so when the time comes you might not feel the way you think you will. And it might be worth considering fostering, it is very rewarding and you sound like you would be amazing.

I feel a bit like this ! And I have five so I don’t think it’s based on number of kids you have .
We are all in Greece together at the
moment and having so much fun .
Eldest is 20 and youngest is 13 . I just enjoy them so much , they’re just great fun and fabulous company.
I work full time and have hobbies and lots of friends but it doesn’t make any difference.