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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cocaine use

86 replies

Sandydune · 14/07/2023 09:24

My daughter is 19 and currently at home having finished her first year at university.
Yesterday my husband found a small bag of mostly used cocaine in her trouser pocket when he put a wash on.
We have had a rocky relationship over the past few years and a number of issues relating to school and behaviour etc. However, she survived her year at uni, seemed to do ok and is now working full time over the summer.
She is completely minimising this - everyone does it, no-one else’s parents think it’s a big deal etc. I’m not naive and realised she may have tried but I always made it clear that I would not accept drugs in the house.
She does not see this as a problem so I doubt she could be encouraged to seek help. I wouldn’t be completely averse to calling the police, but not sure they woukd take it seriously or it would have any impact on her.
She has always been able to make me doubt myself as a parent. However, she stays here rent free, has use of a car, I’ve financially supported her through uni and keep trying to build a better relationship even though she can be quite rude and unkind.
YANBU - you should be asking her to find somewhere else to live and take away the car and uni support given her lack of respect.
YABU - she’s right. Most people her age do it and it’s not such a big deal.

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 14/07/2023 09:26

I personally think she shouldn’t be bringing drugs whether used or not onto your premises. It’s fine if she lives away from home, she can do what she likes but what if her next step is having a dealer call round with it.

I wouldn’t be happy and say I don’t want it in my house.

GloomySkies · 14/07/2023 09:27

I wouldn't want her to drop out of uni if she's passing but if it were me - I'm very hard line about cocaine, the manufacture and trade of it is nothing but exploitation and blood - she'd be out of the house.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 14/07/2023 09:28

Of course it’s a big deal. I’ve known of 2 people one a teenage girl, who got addicted and had to have professional help to come off it.

Superpinkflowerpower · 14/07/2023 09:28

Her bags would already be packed in my house and the police called. Its a class "A" drug so yes the police would be interested.

GoodChat · 14/07/2023 09:30

I would reiterate your rule of no drugs in the house and nobody being under the influence of drugs in your house.

NameChange245 · 14/07/2023 09:32

I would say, 'well what you do is up to yo. You are an adult. But as your mother I don't want you to suffer heart problems, paranoia or any of the other problems associated with cocaine or other drugs. So i can't ignore it. I love you and that's why I am sad you made the decision to use cocaine'.

I would then say 'while I love you dearly, I'm afraid that as long as you continue to live in this house and use a car paid for by me, I will not tolerate drug use. Either you stop using or you move out and fund your own car'.

As my mum always said 'while you live under my roof, you abide by my rules'

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 14/07/2023 09:32

You e not financially supported her year at Uni, you've financially supported her Drug Dealer. Time to reassess where your money is going.

Gerrataere · 14/07/2023 09:34

Some will come here and say ‘I know plenty of grown adults who have mad weekends and are totally amazing professionals Mon-Fri, it’s no big deal’.

But I’ve seen first hand how young people messing with drugs ruins lives quickly. The drug trade is horrendous anyway, but teenagers buying drugs are at much bigger risk of getting something dodgy or even lethal. Never mind more likely to have an accident or be taken advantage of. What she’s doing is stupid and irresponsible - you can’t stop her making these choices but I’d definitely say ‘if I catch on to you doing drugs again then our support for you is done. Go afford drugs from your own pocket’.

DogUnderFoot · 14/07/2023 09:34

Sounds like she has too much money, to me.

If she has money for drugs, she has money to pay rent and more towards her uni costs. I also wouldn't let someone who thought cocaine was no big deal, access to my car.

ReaIIyThough · 14/07/2023 09:34

I definitely wouldnt call the police for 1 bag of nearly empty cocaine, they have much better things to be doing than this. But I wouldn't be having her living there rent free while she thinks it's OK to go and spend her money on that shit. Absolutely not. She would be paying rent, learning the hard way, and absolutely no drugs in the house with a warning that if it happens again she's gone.

RoyalImpatience · 14/07/2023 09:34

I'm not sure where... Kicking her out and disrespect comes into it.

She's a young girl dabbling with an incredibly dangerous addictive drug.
Some sort of gentle chats and interventions... Therapy, family therapy shoud be called for?

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 14/07/2023 09:34

And the Parents of Adult Children Section is pretty good at this type of support OP Flowers

Peacoffee · 14/07/2023 09:35

Superpinkflowerpower · 14/07/2023 09:28

Her bags would already be packed in my house and the police called. Its a class "A" drug so yes the police would be interested.

Literally the police would have zero interest in a tiny amount of cocaine for personal use 🙄

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 14/07/2023 09:37

And I'm sure you already have but get yourself up to date on what she might be taking cocaine but it could also be Ket.

Peacoffee · 14/07/2023 09:38

I honestly think the harsher you are the more you will drive a wedge.
I imagine some posters on her are quite a bit older and that’s going to skew their experience imo.
When I was a university it was easily 50% of people who recreationally used a bit of coke.
It doesn’t make her a drug addict, it doesn’t mean she needs to “seek help”. Maintain open, honest and non judgemental lines of communication and guide her through quite a tough time in life rather than jumping to the nuclear option and kicking her out.

yellowsmileyface · 14/07/2023 09:41

YABU based solely on the fact you'd even contemplate calling the police on your own child. Tbh parents like that disgust me.

CanIGetARefund · 14/07/2023 09:43

I would not choose either of the options you suggested. You have no idea of the actual scale of drug use from one bag of white powder. It's absolutely fine to have a no drugs in the house rule, but as she is an adult you have no control over what she does outside of the house, and she will resent you trying. In my experience, what works best are a series of calm conversations about the risks involved, so you can assess her understanding of the impact of drug use on her health and safety. Then you can support her to further reduce any risk.

Calminacrisis · 14/07/2023 09:51

Keep your lines of communication open but be very clear about the effects/risks of even occasional use. I speak as someone who lost a 30 year old relative to heart disease caused by cocaine use. A previous partner of mine also struggled, going from recreational to habitual use. Whilst they held down their job, it caused havoc in their personal life and they damaged many relationships.
If she’s got enough money to pay for coke, I wouldn’t feel bad about reducing your financial support of her.

Mumtothreegirlies · 14/07/2023 09:52

Sorry but your daughter sounds like a spoilt naive idiot.
cocaine is no joke and it’s not normal. She needs a serious reality check.

Landndialamrhf · 14/07/2023 09:56

no i wouldnt call the police or otherwise ruin my daughters future by kicking her out and forcing her to drop out of uni, when she’s doing well at uni, has a job and seems to be doing fine.

i would expect that no drugs come into my home though. And I’d consider she needs less financial support than she’s currently getting, if she can afford cocaine, which is expensive.
I suppose though rather than prioritising punishing her I’d want to check she was ok. Is it Occasional drug use, or addiction. Mental health problems she’s looking to escape by using drugs, or just a party drug the same as drinking alcohol on a night out. Id just make sure lines of communication are open and try to have a good relationship with her.

Sigmama · 14/07/2023 09:59

Im more shocked she doesn't do her own washing

Ilikejamtarts · 14/07/2023 10:01

It's a hard one. I am 32 and by 25 I'd known 3 friends/acquaintances die as a result of cocaine. On the other hand I also know loads of people who used it regular and are very much alive, my partner being one of them...its not something I will tolerate and made it clear before our relationship began, and my kids will be told the same when they are older. If my partner touched it again he'd be out, genuinely not sure how I'd manage it if it was my kids though so I really don't have any advice. It's a huge fear of mine when it comes to my kids though. Although they make good decisions now I have no idea if that will continue as they grow and it only takes one dodgy batch to lead to a fatality

WeetabixTowels · 14/07/2023 10:01

FGS OP why would you even entertain the idea of calling the police on your child?!

I know lots of older people (as in older than your DD) who do cocaine but I thought it would be too expensive for students! I’d say no drugs in the house and you pay me keep - if you can afford cocaine you can afford to contribute to the running of the house where you live.

WeetabixTowels · 14/07/2023 10:03

Peacoffee · 14/07/2023 09:35

Literally the police would have zero interest in a tiny amount of cocaine for personal use 🙄

Show quote history

IKR! So embarrassing the irrational froth people get themselves into.

All you’d get is OP’s DD at most being arrested and interviewed, which is pointless and unpleasant and I’d never ever have forgiven my mum if she’d done that to me (my mum would never!)

GetInTheBinThenGetInTheSea · 14/07/2023 10:04

Please don't call the police on your own child. I can't believe you even considered it.

She's obviously not an addict or that bag would have been empty.