Cocaine use

[Sandydune]

My daughter is 19 and currently at home having finished her first year at university.
Yesterday my husband found a small bag of mostly used cocaine in her trouser pocket when he put a wash on.
We have had a rocky relationship over the past few years and a number of issues relating to school and behaviour etc. However, she survived her year at uni, seemed to do ok and is now working full time over the summer.
She is completely minimising this - everyone does it, no-one else’s parents think it’s a big deal etc. I’m not naive and realised she may have tried but I always made it clear that I would not accept drugs in the house.
She does not see this as a problem so I doubt she could be encouraged to seek help. I wouldn’t be completely averse to calling the police, but not sure they woukd take it seriously or it would have any impact on her.
She has always been able to make me doubt myself as a parent. However, she stays here rent free, has use of a car, I’ve financially supported her through uni and keep trying to build a better relationship even though she can be quite rude and unkind.
YANBU - you should be asking her to find somewhere else to live and take away the car and uni support given her lack of respect.
YABU - she’s right. Most people her age do it and it’s not such a big deal.

For a start she should be paying rent and being taught basic life economics. Christ, my mother took £15 from my £25 a week pay at 16yrs old 30 odd years ago and harsh as it may sound it stood me in good stead in understanding the value of money and how to budget and save.

As for the cocaine, the pp who said they'd have her bags packed has to be the worst reaction going

It probably isn't a big deal to them but she'll find it a lot less appealing when she hasn't got the entirety of her earned disposable income to splurge on such expensive recreational activities.

This is coming from someone who knows all too well btw.

I think being totally anti drugs and zero tolerance isn’t going to work, I’ve always believed education is the best way to handle these sort of things because regardless of what people say so many people dabble in drugs - you would be amazed - it’s inevitable she was going to cross paths with drugs at uni.
My only stipulation would be if she can afford drugs she can afford to pay towards living costs and make sure she understands the risks.

Cocain and other drugs are actually incredibly common particularly in universities.

The police will not want to know btw, unless she's going to tell them the names of her dealers anyway. They don't have the resources anymore.

Typical response I would expect, so the fact I called the police because I was sick of the smell of weed from my neighbour and they came round for a class "B" drug tells me other wise.

Please do bore off.

Yes it may be but as a mature student, the iodic guy in the next room to me was always on coke in the student halls, until I phoned the police and they came paid him a visit on campus. You do sound like a avid of defender of drugs.

All that story tells me is that you wasted valuable police time over a smell.

The police would not be interested, unless it was an amount that suggested it was for something beyond personal use.

They simply don't have the time/resources and have waaaaay bigger issues to deal with!

Not what the police said to me, so your conjecture is all fluff bye bye.

@Superpinkflowerpower
Bet the police loved you for totally wasting their time! You sound a nightmare 😳
Also, where exactly would you expect your child to go once their 'bag was packed'?
On the streets? Or would you expect them to magically find accommodation. I hope you don't have children, you sound incredibly unsupportive and not suited to parenting at all!

And what did they do exactly?

@Peacoffee I'd be interested to know this to 😂

Too!

You seem to spend a lot of time calling the police on people...

Ageism is alive and thriving on MN still.

Thank you for all your replies.
Lots to think about.
She has struggled over the last few years and I worry about her physical and mental health. I have tried everything - family counselling which she refused after two sessions, individual counselling, private psychiatrist (who diagnosed her with ADHD but she won’t take medication).
Trying to reason with her is so hard - she just blames me for being a rubbish Mum (hence my self-doubt). Consequences have been difficult in the past because of extreme reactions where we fear for her safety. I have tried to get help through parenting courses etc myself.
I have been tentatively pleased that she seems to be slowly maturing, now this.
Some good advice here - much appreciated. I will try to keep communication open but she needs to know the severity of her actions.

I'm sure some people can treat it like alcohol and "take it or leave it" but I am related to someone whose whole life (and to an extent another person in my family) has been completely ruined by this shit.

I would go totally hard line on this. You just don't know whether you can "handle it" until it's all gone wrong and then it's too late.

I'd be saying, my house, my rules. Anything kept on the premises will be flushed and you won't be giving her any more money for the forseeable.

Your YABU/YANBU options are both badly chosen.

You're right it's not normal for people to take cocaine. In any age group most people don't take it and most people never take it, not even once.

I don't think kicking her out and taking those other actions is the correct thing to do either. I don't see how she's "disrespecting" you and even if she was your suggested punishments would be way over the top. To be frank, if you took this course of action her "ability to make you feel like a shit parent" wouldn't be much of an ability at all, there would be no need to make you feel like a shit parent because that would imply you weren't one, which you would be if you did this, in my view anyway.

What do you want? If you want her out of your life, kick her out and call the police. If you don't want her out of your life you need to work with her rather than seeing her as a problem. To be fair to you class A drug abuse is as good a reason as any to boot her out, just be aware of the likely consequences.



@otherwayup @Peacoffee Sorry I'm not wasting my my time with the two keyboard warriors on MN. I don't fall for the baiting, have a good day.

Its hardly agism to point out that the people who claim coke or MD aren't commonplace with young people quite clearly haven't stepped into a uni in the last 10/15 years.
The facts are there, in 2018 almost 60% of students had taken drugs.
Sounds pretty commonplace to me.

Funny how a 'particular' type of poster always runs away the minute their bullshit is challenged.

They always exit with a passive aggressive 'have a nice day' or 'bye bye love' too

"Keyboard Warriors" is so bloody unoriginal and tiresome too.

Its hardly agism to point out that the people who claim coke or MD aren't commonplace with young people quite clearly haven't stepped into a uni in the last 10/15 years.
The facts are there, in 2018 almost 60% of students had taken drugs.
Sounds pretty commonplace to me

It is if you don't know my age or the age of the other posters and you're assuming that all of the ones being outraged are older.

A charge or caution for that will ruin her employment chances. You're creating more of a burden for yourself.

If parents are still giving children who've moved out expenses it kind of sends a message they're not an adult.

I got nothing in uni, I had to work. I spent my money on rent, not cocaine.