Cocaine use

[Sandydune]

My daughter is 19 and currently at home having finished her first year at university.
Yesterday my husband found a small bag of mostly used cocaine in her trouser pocket when he put a wash on.
We have had a rocky relationship over the past few years and a number of issues relating to school and behaviour etc. However, she survived her year at uni, seemed to do ok and is now working full time over the summer.
She is completely minimising this - everyone does it, no-one else’s parents think it’s a big deal etc. I’m not naive and realised she may have tried but I always made it clear that I would not accept drugs in the house.
She does not see this as a problem so I doubt she could be encouraged to seek help. I wouldn’t be completely averse to calling the police, but not sure they woukd take it seriously or it would have any impact on her.
She has always been able to make me doubt myself as a parent. However, she stays here rent free, has use of a car, I’ve financially supported her through uni and keep trying to build a better relationship even though she can be quite rude and unkind.
YANBU - you should be asking her to find somewhere else to live and take away the car and uni support given her lack of respect.
YABU - she’s right. Most people her age do it and it’s not such a big deal.

She has struggled over the last few years and I worry about her physical and mental health.

Regular cocaine use is damaging to a healthy person's mental health. It can be soul destroying for someone who already has issues. I would really encourage her to speak to a professional.

It's a pretty logical conclusion to assume that someone who has no experience of university within the last 10 years is older.
Logical assumptions aren't ageism.

If someone had a more recent experience with uni, either directly or through peers then they would surely acknowledge that if almost 60% of students had used drugs then actually it isn't so "not common" or "not normal".

If anything your latest update makes me even more nervous for her.

The young woman I knew who had issues was about 18/19 and did work in a beauty salon but had been spoiled by her parents as a younger child with a much older sister. Her parents basically bought her whatever she wanted and she stayed out all night and lived at home. Luckily when she had therapy for her addiction she calmed down and retrained to be a dental nurse. Her parents then divorced and she got a flat with her dad until she met someone and had a child but she always felt she did the latter to escape her dad to expected her to be like her mum re looking after him!

She did get a mortgage and broke up with the father of the dad and in her 30s met and married a man in Canada and moved there and had 2 further children with him.

I’d encourage her to take her ADHD medication. A friend of mine who has a daughter a similar age to yours has ADHD and has completed uni (college in USA) and has a job and got a permanent one too before being made redundant.

@GonnaGetGoingReturns Thank you - I do feel she is vulnerable. But she just won’t accept help or see issues - it’s hard to know what to do.

The police don't have the resource to deal with this. If it's cocaine she's got too much money, so cut back on your contribution.

Put a halt on her use of the car, she will have to get the bus or spend her money on a cab if there's any risk she's driving whilst high.

Pursue the ADHD treatment, links have been shown between ADHD and stimulant use as self medication.

It's a pretty logical conclusion to assume that someone who has no experience of university within the last 10 years is older.
Logical assumptions aren't ageism.

I think the poster was assuming that all the posters who were outraged were older but perhaps I've read it wrong and she was simply referring to people who are genuinely older and haven't been to Uni on the last 15 years plus.

I Musée the bit where she has ADHD and won't take medication.

Has she got DSA in place?

How many medications has she tried? If it's only one, would she be willing to try another?

I've found that my teens with ADHD are more open if we're on neural ground or if a much lived member of the family talks to them.

It sounds as if she's self medicating right now. Has she been given other ways to try and self regulate?

Thank you @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto .
We can’t even get her to engage or discuss any of these matters or seek help elsewhere. A simple question or request meets with much aggression. She’s cut off other family members too. Not exactly bad relationships but just not open to discussion.
I suspected that she might have been reluctant to take her ADHD medication as it might have curtailed drinking and/or drugs.
We have to talk about all of this later so I’ll mention the medication again then. Thank you!

If you call the police, chuck her out , take away her car and uni support, you can be 100% she will never have any coke at your house ever again because she will never go to your house ever again or see you or talk to you ever again

I worked with teenagers who took drugs. Don’t call the police. Give her information about the risk to health. Request that she does not bring any drugs into your house. Start charging her rent and make her pay for her own food and make her do her own laundry, cooking and stuff. If she has got enough money to buy drugs she can support herself financially. If she’s got her life so sorted she can take drugs she can look after herself. Make it clear even though she thinks it’s no big deal you do and even though you can’t stop her you can stop facilitating her drug habit by not giving her financial or time support. You don’t want your money and time enabling her to take drugs it’s up to her how she manages her own money and time. Most teenagers grow out of it. Cocaine is everywhere now. It’s hard to avoid.

She might want a medication review of the ones she has tried aren't suiting her.

If she's having such extreme reactions (understandable if she's self medicating and not doing any self-regulation techniques) do you think there's a chance that she has rejection sensitive dismorphia?

I think if she's got enough money for recreational drugs she can probably afford to pay for her own car and give you some rent money.

Presumably your DD would be OK with another young child such as Olivia Pratt-Korbel being killed? OK with young black men being stabbed?

Ask her.

I think a lot of the advice you give is sound but my two ND DC really struggle with laundry. Admittedly the older one isn't probably helped with the amount of hours he works.

Act in your Dd's best interests. Her being kicked out, estranged isn't in her interests. Any drastic action will end her time at university. Drug use is common and doesn't damage the lives of a good portion of people who try them out. You need to address her ADHD meds and how much she is using. Cutting her income might not be the best thing. Let's face it, young women can easily get their drugs paid for. As for the 'older people ' comment, we were the rave generation, who do you think was buying the ecstasy? We all stopped our usage and carried on with our lives.

I honestly worry for some of you and your relationship with adult children.

Do you think going all pious and shouting at a teenager (we were all stupid and selfish after all at 19, and I’m 100% certain many of you will have taken drugs yourself at some point) DO YOU LIKE DEAD CHILDREN DO YOU is even in the tiniest bit helpful. Going ballistic and OTT on a guilt trip may be your knee jerk reaction but quite honestly it will be a one way ticket to alienating your child. They are no longer 6, those tactics don’t work. Act a bit more level headed FGS

If she can afford sniff she can afford rent. Stick a picture of Daniella Westbrook on her bedroom door.

Might be worth looking at self medicating ADHD with cocaine.

Pub med link
Self medicating link

This 100%. I wouldn't be giving her another fucking penny. Many other students don't even have the privilege of a parent who can financially support them at uni and need to get jobs etc. She has beyond taken advantage and is an absolute piss taker thanking you by snorting it away.

I did post that before the OP mentioned ADHD.

Whilst I still think that she's been financially supporting the local drug dealer, ADHD makes things much more complicated than simply cutting her money.

I'd massively open up the communication pathways, tell her found it and know what it is and then talk to her. Cocaine is everywhere for that age group but so are pills and all sorts of other v dangerous stuff, ketamine, fentanyl and worse. My DS was same, I had to build up my relationship in a different way so he would honestly tell me what he had taken, what was around. I told him about the drugs that were around in my teens and told him about the overdoses and early deaths too. He tells me near enough everything and at least I can educate him about amounts, active components, dangers of mixing drugs. It's a toxic culture and anyone with kids would be naive to believe their kids are not vulnerable to it.

Yes but that doesn’t make it okay.
Ive worked in rehab clinics with a lot of coke addicts, it’s not normal and people like you need to stop normalising it. Taking cocaine is never normal or okay!

Whilst I agree that a lot of young people are doing it and have done it before (myself included; pre children), I think she was incredibly disrespectful to bring it into the family home and downplay it.

I would have having some serious talks with her and honestly if she has an attitude about it; tell her to pack her bags.

If she has ADHD she is literally self medicating in using Cocaine. I'd look into this and involve her, she needs medication if Cocaine is helpful to her. I know that sounds crazy but it's common for amphetamines and Cocaine, caffeine to help ADHD symptoms hence it commonly comorbids with addiction. Stimulants don't affect adhd in same way.

There’s a theory that people with ADHD are 20% younger emotionally than their actual age. So if you take this into consideration, you are communicating with a 15.5 year old (or thereabouts). It’s such a tough age anyway, without adding this into the equation so I really feel for you.

I’d recommend open communication about the risks if she’ll listen to you. Try not to accost her but maybe weave it into another chat when she’s in a communicative mood. Respect her as an adult and her choices, but also stay firm on your boundaries (no drugs in the house etc). I’d absolutely sit down and work out how much she should be paying in rent/towards food/utilities/petrol, as pp have said, if she can afford coke, she should be contributing. I’d be firm on this. I’d also consider the use of the car if she’s potentially driving under the influence. I’d get her to do her own laundry too, but as the mum of an adhd child of the same age they will just walk around in dirty clothes, so that’s a bit hopeless.

As a parent of a few kids, this is by far the hardest age. They’re in and out of the nest and you have to step away, step back in, step away again, but with the neurodivergence and additional needs that come with that, it’s really really tough.