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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has anyone else been referred to as they? (not by request)

121 replies

Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids · 14/07/2023 08:29

I briefly met my partner with one of his male colleagues the other day. I have my hair in a bob which is just below the ears as trying to grow it out. I had a summery dress on, I don't wear make up really but I think my look is still fairly feminine, not that it should matter.
Anyway, I left and then the friend apparently started to ask questions about me, but referring to me always as 'they' never as her/she.
I'm not sure if this is something that certain people do nowadays in order to not cause any offence, or if I have a look that seemed to make him question.
It shouldn't matter, I am just intrigued as I've never experienced it before (to my knowledge)

OP posts:
orangeleavesinautumn · 14/07/2023 08:30

I think it is fairly normal, grammatically correct English

DonnaTellMeThis · 14/07/2023 08:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Kimchikitchen · 14/07/2023 08:31

How old was this person?

Original poster
Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids · 14/07/2023 08:31

Maybe I am overthinking it, he just said this man went out of his way to avoid saying she/her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids · 14/07/2023 08:31

Mid 20s I guess!

OP posts:
Kimchikitchen · 14/07/2023 08:31

What questions were they asking?

Kimchikitchen · 14/07/2023 08:32

Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids · 14/07/2023 08:31

Mid 20s I guess!

Peak age for this kind of nonsense

Original poster
Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids · 14/07/2023 08:32

Yeah maybe it is 😅 just about my job, background and stuff apparently!

OP posts:
Kimchikitchen · 14/07/2023 08:32

Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids · 14/07/2023 08:31

Maybe I am overthinking it, he just said this man went out of his way to avoid saying she/her.

I’m more intrigued with why he was asking all these questions about you and what were the questions?!

TeenDivided · 14/07/2023 08:33

I think think we are living through regressive times, whereby if you don't conform to stereotypes people have been brainwashed into thinking they can't use sex based pronouns.

Kimchikitchen · 14/07/2023 08:33

Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids · 14/07/2023 08:32

Yeah maybe it is 😅 just about my job, background and stuff apparently!

That’s the odd thing about this scenario

why not just ask… you?

Original poster
Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids · 14/07/2023 08:34

I guess people are just curious/nosy. I was out once with my partner and an old female friend of his he no longer sees, and the minute I went to the toilet she started asking him what my family were like. I thought that was quite bitchy and gossipy.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 14/07/2023 08:35

I work in the arts with a LOT of younger people. All the kool kidz do this. They’re the ones who are total PITAs when they mess up or things don’t go their way, generally.

Original poster
Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids · 14/07/2023 08:35

I mean I only saw him for like 2 minutes so was just a very quick chat!
Yeah, I feel like most women have long hair these days. It's a shame how we have these stereotypes ingrained.

OP posts:
Kimchikitchen · 14/07/2023 08:36

Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids · 14/07/2023 08:35

I mean I only saw him for like 2 minutes so was just a very quick chat!
Yeah, I feel like most women have long hair these days. It's a shame how we have these stereotypes ingrained.

And yet he then bombarded your partner with questions about your “background, job and stuff”. Odd!

Original poster
Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids · 14/07/2023 08:36

Maybe it is a very young thing indeed!
Although now it's got me questioning whether my look isn't very feminine and that is sad, why should I care, and why do we owe people a feminine appearance

OP posts:
Kimchikitchen · 14/07/2023 08:36

Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids · 14/07/2023 08:35

I mean I only saw him for like 2 minutes so was just a very quick chat!
Yeah, I feel like most women have long hair these days. It's a shame how we have these stereotypes ingrained.

Most women have long hair? Seriously?! No they don’t. Total mix

Original poster
Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids · 14/07/2023 08:37

In the younger generations, 99% have longer hair, especially in schools. There's usually one girl per class with short hair.

OP posts:
Kimchikitchen · 14/07/2023 08:37

Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids · 14/07/2023 08:36

Maybe it is a very young thing indeed!
Although now it's got me questioning whether my look isn't very feminine and that is sad, why should I care, and why do we owe people a feminine appearance

This got you questioning whether you don’t look feminine?!

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 14/07/2023 08:37

Agree with @Kimchikitchen mid 20s is peak age for this kind of nonsense.

Never happened to me in my entire life (and I have adult children, and I am pretty sure it has never happened to them either.)

Tekoa · 14/07/2023 08:38

Who knows what he was thinking, sounds like a bit of an idiot.

When I was going to college at 16, a group of secondary school kids started bullying a French girl from my college (also 16). She had very short hair and they kept asking her if she was a boy.

Seems like nothing has changed, short hair must equal non-feminine.

Namechangenoo · 14/07/2023 08:38

A bob and a flowery dress sound feminine to me.

Kimchikitchen · 14/07/2023 08:38

Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids · 14/07/2023 08:37

In the younger generations, 99% have longer hair, especially in schools. There's usually one girl per class with short hair.

Yes but I’m guessing you’re not at school. Think about your friends, colleague, women in the street - complete mix of hair length

Kimchikitchen · 14/07/2023 08:40

Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids · 14/07/2023 08:34

I guess people are just curious/nosy. I was out once with my partner and an old female friend of his he no longer sees, and the minute I went to the toilet she started asking him what my family were like. I thought that was quite bitchy and gossipy.

Your partner sounds like a shit stirrer tbh

Augend23 · 14/07/2023 08:40

I have a couple of people I know like this, it baffles me frankly. I'm actually even happy to use people's pronouns of preference, but I don't see any need to deviate from the standard options unless requested.