Is this normal for British people?

[Sandra1984]

Hello,

I’m a female spaniard in my 40’s living in a big city in the UK, been here for 5 years and still trying to navigate the culture. So there's this English guy who I’m sort of friends with, I dated him for a couple of months, didn’t work out, we broke up and moved on, no harsh feelings as it was a mutual decision, that was 8 months ago. Guy and me are not a close friend by any means, but we’ve kept a friendly/civilized relationship. I haven’t had sex for 8 months with him nor I intend to, he’s an ex for a reason, he also happens to live very close to me (hence the reason I wanted to keep it civilised as I know I’m eventually going to bump into him). This is the issue: he knows I work from home and has showed up twice in my doorstep at 8:00 am asking me if I want to “grab a coffee” at the local coffee place. In Spain this would be considered a bit intrusive, in my country meeting for a coffee involves arranging a date and a time when it’s convenient for both, we just don’t pop up at 8:00 am at someones home and get all pissy when you tell them “no”.

I’ve complained to him about it but says he likes spontaneity and I’m not spontaneous enough, but for me this is borderline rude unless I’m missing something (?).

Is this normal in the UK?

Thanks,
Sandra

On MN there are a large proportion of people who don't think you can even call to see your parents without first making an appointment first so I'm sure lots would agree with you.

Personally I don't think there's anything out of the ordinary in going for a coffee or a meal spontaneously. Friends and I do phone and knock if we're passing.

However, 8am seems very early for the UK. And I doubt his interest is just a friendly coffee!

I would literally murder anyone who turned up at my house at 8 in the flipping morning. I can't think of a single person who would be glad to see me on theirs either.

I wouldn't even answer the phone!

Don't answer the door. Especially given your update. You're very busy from now until forever, that's the line.

Not normal. I don't ever recall any of my friends knocking on my door at 8am out of the blue to grab a coffee 😂

I think he's trying to get closer to you again and he seems to have come up with a pretence that he's going for his morning coffee, so why don't you join in. Probably thought it wasn't over the top, but hessimply annoying. Don't open the door and if he texts and asks why you didn't tell him something boring or off putting.

No, it is not normal - it is extremely rude and out of order.

No, no es normal. Cuídate.

No

Hold on, just seen your last update. Definitely do not open the door and take a note in your diary of all the instances he does this or acts weirdly otherwise. It's not a cultural thing, OP. Request Claire's law check from the police too.

acknowledging cultural differences is not racist or xenophobic, quite the opposite. it's arrogant to think that you alone - without any knowledge of cultural context - have the benchmark to judge whether or not someone is behaving oddly. foreigner in the UK here btw

No one said acknowledging cultural differences is racist or xenophobic.

This fellow foreigner agrees wholeheartedly.

This English one does too.

It’s definitely not typically British! I live on a popular walk to a nice coffee place and one of my best friend does this sometimes. But she’s a good friend and I like it. You don’t he’s being weird. Just tell him you’re not interested now or ever for random visits

Not normal in my circles at all. I would be very annoyed if any of my friends (no matter how close we were) turned up on my doorstep unannounced at that time of the morning. I've never known anyone to do this and would be a bit creeped out by it to be honest.

The best thing to do is to treat him as you would successfully treat a pest in Spain OP. No differently.

Nope. He’s borderline stalker-ish.

for a friend I don’t think it would be weird to text in advance to suggest a coffee at 8am, but only if both parties knew the other was likely to be free at that time

His history makes it concerning. And is obviously peculiar to him - not all British men have a history of harassment and stalking.
I wouldn't find it odd if a friend walked past my house to go to the coffee shop and occasionally texted to see if I wanted to join them. But if I was never going to want to go for coffee at 8am, I'd just text back that I wouldn't ever say yes so they don't need to ask again.

Spontaneity would be a text asking if you are free. Turning up is rude.

He’s got the morning horn and is hoping to get lucky! Don’t answer the door to this weirdo.

I don't think it's necessarily rude or odd to call in on a friend and ask them if they fancy joining you for a coffee, particularly if they live nearby and was passing. It is however unusual to turn up so early. I wouldn't turn up unannounced until after 9am at least unless of course you would regularly go for a coffee at that time when you were dating. It's not typical British behaviour. Don't let him tell you otherwise!

Popping by to grab a coffee is reasonable
Just not really at 8am

I found out half way through dating him that he had a restraining order from his ex for harassment and physical abuse so I'm very afraid of him.

Please speak to the police.

This is not about what English men are like. He's a pest.

Sorry you've had so many odd replies from people who haven't read the thread.
Your update is very worrying. Restraining orders are not easy to get - he's dangerous! As others have said, don't answer the door to him - ever.
Get a ring doorbell if you don't already have one
If he contacts you again reply assertively. "No thank you, I don't want a coffee or to meet. You need to stop calling & texting me. Our relationship has been ended for some time.
Thank you"

or something similar. Legally if you're worried that someone's stalking you or similar, you need to tell them to stop.. Then the police can take action if the behaviour continues.

Agree with this. I mentioned earlier about getting a visible camera on the door and calling the Police for advice.

I think it's also time to review the security on your home. Do you have a deadlock on the doors for example?

No, not normal at all.

Both because he’s not a sufficiently close friend to warrant it, and because that’s not a time in the morning when you should be catching someone unawares.

Def not normal. I think he still likes you. If he turns up again, put headphones on and ignore the door!