Is this normal for British people?

[Sandra1984]

Hello,

I’m a female spaniard in my 40’s living in a big city in the UK, been here for 5 years and still trying to navigate the culture. So there's this English guy who I’m sort of friends with, I dated him for a couple of months, didn’t work out, we broke up and moved on, no harsh feelings as it was a mutual decision, that was 8 months ago. Guy and me are not a close friend by any means, but we’ve kept a friendly/civilized relationship. I haven’t had sex for 8 months with him nor I intend to, he’s an ex for a reason, he also happens to live very close to me (hence the reason I wanted to keep it civilised as I know I’m eventually going to bump into him). This is the issue: he knows I work from home and has showed up twice in my doorstep at 8:00 am asking me if I want to “grab a coffee” at the local coffee place. In Spain this would be considered a bit intrusive, in my country meeting for a coffee involves arranging a date and a time when it’s convenient for both, we just don’t pop up at 8:00 am at someones home and get all pissy when you tell them “no”.

I’ve complained to him about it but says he likes spontaneity and I’m not spontaneous enough, but for me this is borderline rude unless I’m missing something (?).

Is this normal in the UK?

Thanks,
Sandra

At 8am on a workday?! Literally coming prematurely!

Yes, exactly – he’s thinking a coffee might lead to daytime sex.

Thanks. I'm quite aware of this, but maybe preach to your compatriots. Fact is that a huge number of Brits refer to "Europe" when they mean "other European countries". I write for companies for a living and come across this all the time - and change it to "other European countries" in my native language because it wouldn't make sense after all.

I was just trying to say, I'm not a Brit, but I'm from another European country too without stating my nationality.I'm not a thick foreigner and often have to correct material produced by native English speakers.

How very bizarre to see one persons behaviour and ask if it's the way a whole nation behaves. Are all Spaniards that sweeping??

Because I’m having really bad luck with English men, I just don’t understand them, relationships with them never last more than two months, behaviour is appalling. Maybe I’ve picked some bad apples

My theory. Over time and with experience, we develop very skilled cues on what is a red flag in our own culture. We subconsciously check against 'normal' men we've known and 'arsehole' men we've known. It's quick and effective.

When you're navigating a new culture, we don't have a frame of reference. I've dated a LOT cross-culturally (lived in a few countries) and had to say, "is this typical for Brazilian/Nigerian/Canadian men?" a lot. Showering with gifts, fairly normal for my Brazilian BF, would have been love-bombing in the UK. Jealousy in my Nigerian BF, still a huge problem, and I put it down to culture in the beginning. For example.

You need to get a baseline going. Female British friends who you can run stuff by. Or us, we're always here.

Culture and normative behaviour exists.

OP is just checking if this is that.

Oops, sorry. I missed the whole Claire’s Law post. That puts a different slant on things. I’d seek advice from the police, and would be blunt with him. If he calls again message something like, ‘No, thank you. It’s time to move on so all the best, but don’t contact me again’, or words to that effect.

I thought the same.

Thats intrusive.

We have friends who will just turn up at our door - but thats after being close for a long time and its sort of a 'mutual agreement thing'.

I would consider this being a 'creepy fucker' who is over stepping.

Dropping around at 8am like that, makes it hard for you to say no. He knows this.

@Fluffylittlepup and @DidyouNO have you ever lived in another country? When you do, you do sometimes think, 'is this Italian or is this them?'. Because there are cultural traits and idiosyncrasies. And it helps to know what they are.

oh gosh, that is REALLY scary with the latest information you've posted.

This is borderline stalking and if I were you I'd be seeking advice from places where they can advise you about harassment/ stalking and what to do to keep yourself safe.

Lots of English people on here have told you that this is not a normal ‘English man’ thing. I’ve lived in 4 different European countries and there are bad apples in all of them.

When you say relationships never last for more than two months OP, what exactly happened? Did you call a halt on the relationships or did they?

Two months seems to be a very precise length. For all of them.

That’s not an ‘English men thing’ either by the way, that precise length of time.

I have responded at length to the OP, maybe read my responses before asking. Strangely, she doesn’t seem to be very forthcoming with replies.

I simply would not want to be friends with someone like that - who has a dodgy history - even if they lived nearby. I'd more likely cross the street to avoid them if I saw them out and about. I mean these type of men (English or otherwise) are dangerous weirdos whether you're nice to them or not - so why be nice? Just tell them fuck off or you'll call the police.

Yes, I'm an ex army wife. I've lived abroad for many years in lots of places. . And no. I don't generalise when I meet one person and see their behaviour I don't think it's the entire nations behaviour. That's where the start of racism and xenophobia lies. I take that one person and I judge them and them alone on their behaviour. To do otherwise is bizarre!

He thinks you are just open for sex woman.

I agree. I think it’s rude.

I feel like a spontaneous coffee might be ok but 8am is no time for surprises.

Defo not normal

She’s just asking if it’s weird or not!

@Sandra1984 yes, it’s weird, it’s creepy and if he’s not stopped when asked then I would contact the police considering his history.

I haven't check the Claires law website but I'm afraid of this man because I found out half way through dating him that he had a restraining order from his ex for harassment and physical abuse so I'm very afraid of him. He's not normal, hence there reason I broke up with him after two months of dating but it's been 8 months since we broke up and I hope he had moved on. He obviously hasn't.

This is not good news @Sandra1984 and you need to do anything you can, including getting police advice, to keep this man well away from you.

Absolutely install a camera doorbell, make sure your door and window locks are good. I may be overreacting, but also check out dashboard cameras if you have a car. 🌹

Not normal. Usually British people schedule these things a day or two before at least. Although if I bump into a friend in town I might ask "Have you got time for a coffee?" Or I might put on my friendship group's whatsapp "I'm going to be in town later today, does anyone want to meet for a coffee" but I certainly wouldn't knock on their door to ask, or sulk if they said no.

Absolutely not!! I hate it when people turn up unannounced, luckily it doesn't happen very often

8am noooooo sounds weird plus your update shows red flags