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Original poster

Is this normal for British people?

129 replies

Sandra1984 · 13/07/2023 19:39

Hello,

I’m a female spaniard in my 40’s living in a big city in the UK, been here for 5 years and still trying to navigate the culture. So there's this English guy who I’m sort of friends with, I dated him for a couple of months, didn’t work out, we broke up and moved on, no harsh feelings as it was a mutual decision, that was 8 months ago. Guy and me are not a close friend by any means, but we’ve kept a friendly/civilized relationship. I haven’t had sex for 8 months with him nor I intend to, he’s an ex for a reason, he also happens to live very close to me (hence the reason I wanted to keep it civilised as I know I’m eventually going to bump into him). This is the issue: he knows I work from home and has showed up twice in my doorstep at 8:00 am asking me if I want to “grab a coffee” at the local coffee place. In Spain this would be considered a bit intrusive, in my country meeting for a coffee involves arranging a date and a time when it’s convenient for both, we just don’t pop up at 8:00 am at someones home and get all pissy when you tell them “no”.

I’ve complained to him about it but says he likes spontaneity and I’m not spontaneous enough, but for me this is borderline rude unless I’m missing something (?).

Is this normal in the UK?

Thanks,
Sandra

OP posts:
Lemonyfuckit · 13/07/2023 19:50

It's not particularly normal for actual friends (ie always platonic). It's definitely not normal for someone you dated, and would seem like he wants to restart things and doesn't appear to be respecting your boundaries.

Original poster
Sandra1984 · 13/07/2023 19:50

@Rachaelrachael He's trying his luck for sex.

That's a strange way of trying his luck for sex, specially when you just got up and feel the least unglamorous, whatever happened to asking me out for drinks/diner? Sorry I don't understand English men.

OP posts:
ComeTheFckOnBridget · 13/07/2023 19:50

All my friends know they won't be greeted either enthusiasm if they turn up at 8am asking me for coffee lol

Getting annoyed with you about it though? Red flag.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 13/07/2023 19:50

Sandra1984 · 13/07/2023 19:50

@Rachaelrachael He's trying his luck for sex.

That's a strange way of trying his luck for sex, specially when you just got up and feel the least unglamorous, whatever happened to asking me out for drinks/diner? Sorry I don't understand English men.

No, neither do we...

Whataretheodds · 13/07/2023 19:51

No not at all usual.

Is he ringing the bell or just hanging there waiting for you to come out? It's not normal or acceptable to get angry with you when you turn him down, either.

Have you heard of Clare's Law? If I were you I'd want to check him out on that based on this behaviour.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 13/07/2023 19:52

Not normal in the least given your circumstances.

Literally the only time I would do anything remotely resembling this is with the 'school gate mums' - three or four of us who had the same school run. I can see a situation where I might suggest coffee on the doorstep when we are all leaving the house at the same time anyway but this is bonkers.

LosingMyPancakes · 13/07/2023 19:52

Yes, a completely normal, British thing. We even have a rota as to who's house we're going at 8AM each day.

TrishM80 · 13/07/2023 19:52

What you need to do is have another man over, and get him to answer when he knocks on your door for one of these unannounced early morning coffee calls.

Watch him back off, right quick.

Aprilx · 13/07/2023 19:53

It is not normal, it is weird to the point of disturbing and I would recommend you cut contact.

PrayerFactory · 13/07/2023 19:53

Rachaelrachael · 13/07/2023 19:47

Definitely not normal, I'd absolutely hate for even a close female friend to do this! He's trying his luck for sex

Yes, because everyone feels sexy when there’s an unexpected doorstep caller at 8 am on a weekday! I mean, if he’s hoping for sex, he’s choosing a really, really odd way of going about it…

Wildspace · 13/07/2023 19:54

This is weird and not normal for English men. I’d go as far to say that it was as far from normal for English men as you can possibly get.

Clymene · 13/07/2023 19:55

This isn't a British thing. He's just a weirdo

Original poster
Sandra1984 · 13/07/2023 19:55

Whataretheodds · 13/07/2023 19:51

No not at all usual.

Is he ringing the bell or just hanging there waiting for you to come out? It's not normal or acceptable to get angry with you when you turn him down, either.

Have you heard of Clare's Law? If I were you I'd want to check him out on that based on this behaviour.

I haven't check the Claires law website but I'm afraid of this man because I found out half way through dating him that he had a restraining order from his ex for harassment and physical abuse so I'm very afraid of him. He's not normal, hence there reason I broke up with him after two months of dating but it's been 8 months since we broke up and I hope he had moved on. He obviously hasn't.

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 13/07/2023 19:55

Like others have said this is definitely not normal. Are you able to put a rather obvious camera on your front door?

PinkiOcelot · 13/07/2023 19:56

Wouldn’t dream of doing that to anyone. Don’t know any of my friends who would either.

singJoanna · 13/07/2023 19:56

nocoolnamesleft · 13/07/2023 19:43

He wants sex.

Agreed. Not normal at all.

Tangled123 · 13/07/2023 19:57

I could understand it happening once if he thought you get up early every day and that it would suit to get a coffee then but he should have apologised to you after finding out he was mistaken and definitely not done it a second time.

Original poster
Sandra1984 · 13/07/2023 19:58

@Whataretheodds Is he ringing the bell or just hanging there waiting for you to come out? It's not normal or acceptable to get angry with you when you turn him down, either.

He just texts me: "Hi, I'm downstairs infront of your door, I was going for a coffee, do you want to join me?" (meanwhile I'm in my pijamas looking like a stray dog because I just got out of bed).

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 13/07/2023 19:59

I haven't check the Claires law website but I'm afraid of this man because I found out half way through dating him that he had a restraining order from his ex for harassment and physical abuse so I'm very afraid of him. He's not normal, hence there reason I broke up with him after two months of dating but it's been 8 months since we broke up and I hope he had moved on. He obviously hasn't

Time to speak to the police.

Have a read of Claire's Law and this on Harassment first Flowers

Roundandnettledr · 13/07/2023 19:59

It’s definitely a him thing, not a cultural difference thing. Turning up unannounced might be normal for very good friends, but never at 8am and not for someone you aren’t that close with.

Clymene · 13/07/2023 20:00

Sandra1984 · 13/07/2023 19:58

@Whataretheodds Is he ringing the bell or just hanging there waiting for you to come out? It's not normal or acceptable to get angry with you when you turn him down, either.

He just texts me: "Hi, I'm downstairs infront of your door, I was going for a coffee, do you want to join me?" (meanwhile I'm in my pijamas looking like a stray dog because I just got out of bed).

Just don't answer. Can you block him or would that be too awkward?

It's such intrusive behaviour!

Original poster
Sandra1984 · 13/07/2023 20:00

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 13/07/2023 19:59

I haven't check the Claires law website but I'm afraid of this man because I found out half way through dating him that he had a restraining order from his ex for harassment and physical abuse so I'm very afraid of him. He's not normal, hence there reason I broke up with him after two months of dating but it's been 8 months since we broke up and I hope he had moved on. He obviously hasn't

Time to speak to the police.

Have a read of Claire's Law and this on Harassment first Flowers

Thanks for the links, I'll take a read.

OP posts:
Discretionassured · 13/07/2023 20:00

The fact that he gets pissy when you say no is the giveaway here OP, even if it was normal behaviour in the UK, which it isn't. He's pushing your boundaries (to see if they're weak enough for him to take advantage) and I would be distancing myself and making it very clear his visits are unwelcome if I was you.

OddsOn · 13/07/2023 20:01

Get a ring doorbell, don’t answer the door you can speak to him through it and decline. I would ring the police line 101 for advice. It’s the non emergency number.

It’s the sort of scenario that could escalate. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

LizzieSiddal · 13/07/2023 20:01

I haven't check the Claires law website but I'm afraid of this man because I found out half way through dating him that he had a restraining order from his ex for harassment and physical abuse so I'm very afraid of him.

You should have put this information in your opening post. You need to get proper advice about how to deal with him, because it sounds like he could get nasty with you. I hope someone comes along who can point you in the right direction.