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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this normal for British people?

129 replies

Sandra1984 · 13/07/2023 19:39

Hello,

I’m a female spaniard in my 40’s living in a big city in the UK, been here for 5 years and still trying to navigate the culture. So there's this English guy who I’m sort of friends with, I dated him for a couple of months, didn’t work out, we broke up and moved on, no harsh feelings as it was a mutual decision, that was 8 months ago. Guy and me are not a close friend by any means, but we’ve kept a friendly/civilized relationship. I haven’t had sex for 8 months with him nor I intend to, he’s an ex for a reason, he also happens to live very close to me (hence the reason I wanted to keep it civilised as I know I’m eventually going to bump into him). This is the issue: he knows I work from home and has showed up twice in my doorstep at 8:00 am asking me if I want to “grab a coffee” at the local coffee place. In Spain this would be considered a bit intrusive, in my country meeting for a coffee involves arranging a date and a time when it’s convenient for both, we just don’t pop up at 8:00 am at someones home and get all pissy when you tell them “no”.

I’ve complained to him about it but says he likes spontaneity and I’m not spontaneous enough, but for me this is borderline rude unless I’m missing something (?).

Is this normal in the UK?

Thanks,
Sandra

OP posts:
Original poster
Sandra1984 · 13/07/2023 20:02

LizzieSiddal · 13/07/2023 20:01

I haven't check the Claires law website but I'm afraid of this man because I found out half way through dating him that he had a restraining order from his ex for harassment and physical abuse so I'm very afraid of him.

You should have put this information in your opening post. You need to get proper advice about how to deal with him, because it sounds like he could get nasty with you. I hope someone comes along who can point you in the right direction.

Yes sorry, I should have added that bit in my opening post but I didn't know if this was harassment or a normal thing in this country.

OP posts:
Iwantcakeeveryday · 13/07/2023 20:03

Another no! You've obviously discussed it so he has to stop if you do not like it. I have never had a friend do this!

Batalax · 13/07/2023 20:03

It might be ok to do that for some people, but you’ve made it clear you don’t like it, therefore it should be respected. He sounds dangerous if he’s got past form for this.

Fluffylittlepup · 13/07/2023 20:05

Everyone has responded telling you it isn’t ‘normal’ to do this and we wouldn’t be happy with it. Why then are you stating you don’t understand English men?

HundredMilesAnHour · 13/07/2023 20:06

Sandra1984 · 13/07/2023 19:44

But even with my best friends I would not dream of just popping out on their doorstep at 8:00 am unannounced (unless it's an emergency of course), I assume people have jobs, family and commitments, or they just got out of bed having their morning coffee and not in the mood of dealing with visitors?

Show quote history

Totally agree. His behaviour is most definitely not normal. And then criticising you for not being spontaneous?! Cheeky fucker. I'd spontaneously tell him to fuck off. He's not spontaneous. He's rude, thoughtless and self-absorbed.

AdaColeman · 13/07/2023 20:06

Start to keep a detailed record of each time he contacts you.
Get a Ring type doorbell.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 13/07/2023 20:06

Thanks for the links, I'll take a read.

No problem. Definitely read them and speak to the Police.

He's pushing your boundaries (to see if they're weak enough for him to take advantage) and I would be distancing myself and making it very clear his visits are unwelcome if I was you.

Completely agree with this.

Fluffylittlepup · 13/07/2023 20:07

LosingMyPancakes · 13/07/2023 19:52

Yes, a completely normal, British thing. We even have a rota as to who's house we're going at 8AM each day.

😁

Emmamoo89 · 13/07/2023 20:09

Definitely not x

Original poster
Sandra1984 · 13/07/2023 20:11

@Fluffylittlepup Why then are you stating you don’t understand English men?

Because I’m having really bad luck with English men, I just don’t understand them, relationships with them never last more than two months, behaviour is appalling. Maybe I’ve picked some bad apples 😰

OP posts:
MaryJean87 · 13/07/2023 20:12

No it's not normal but I've had guys just randomly turn up on my doorstop. It made me go off them massively ( late at night, expecting to come in ), other one brought loads of gifts and it scared me off.

NewName122 · 13/07/2023 20:13

Nope. That is not normal for us. He is odd. I'd be annoyed.

RestingMurderousFace · 13/07/2023 20:13

Oh my goodness, I would HATE that! Definitely not normal, if it was I’d emigrate.

Fluffylittlepup · 13/07/2023 20:16

Sandra1984 · 13/07/2023 20:11

@Fluffylittlepup Why then are you stating you don’t understand English men?

Because I’m having really bad luck with English men, I just don’t understand them, relationships with them never last more than two months, behaviour is appalling. Maybe I’ve picked some bad apples 😰

You didn’t quote my whole post (would have made more sense if you had). Your opening post was about the behaviour of one man. Are you now saying EVERY man behaves badly? Maybe you should give more examples…not a drip feed.

Gwenhwyfar · 13/07/2023 20:20

dontlookgottalook · 13/07/2023 19:48

@InTheStars sorry InTheStars I don't mean to be pedantic but British people are also European. We are sadly no longer in the EU but our place in this continent has not changed.

Show quote history

Thank you so much for saying this.

Spyral · 13/07/2023 20:24

Why the hell would you have to live up to what level of spontaneity is acceptable to him?!!

You need to tell him you don't give a rats arse whether he deems you spontaneous enough or not, and that you're not changing who you are just to please someone you have no ties to anymore.

viques · 13/07/2023 20:24

No not normal, would he turn up at a workplace expecting you to drop everything to come out for coffee? Ask him to text you arrange a mutually convenient time.

“Hi Sandra, would you be free for coffee this am, about 10.00?”

”No sorry, I am back to back meetings all day today and tomorrow. How about Wednesday pm at about half past 4, we could meet at the coffee shop on the high street , be great to get out of the house for half an hour.”

EducatingArti · 13/07/2023 20:25

I think you need to make it clear that you don't want to go for coffee with him and that he should stop asking. Then if he continues it could be considered harassment. Basically it doesn't matter if others would do it or not. You don't want to go for coffee and he should stop turning up at your home and asking you!

Do you know who your local PCSO is? (police community support officer). Ours is very good at offering support and advice so you could possibly approach him/her informally asking for advice given this man's background.

CapEBarra · 13/07/2023 20:26

If one of my friends turned up on my doorstep at 8am I’d assume they urgently needed a lift to the hospital because they couldn’t get an ambulance. He wants you to invite him in for sexy coffee. You’ll need to be firm with him, ‘Fucking hell, Brian. It’s 8am. No, I don’t want to grab a bloody coffee. Stop showing up on my doorstep at the crack of dawn. I haven’t got time for this nonsense’.

BillyNoM8s · 13/07/2023 20:26

You've been here five years. Unless you regularly have other people also turning up on your doorstep at 8am, you know it's not a British thing. Your issue is this man, not his nationality. Tell him to stop bothering you.

I'm married to a Spaniard. You lot are definitely more social than us. But never at 8am.

Fluffylittlepup · 13/07/2023 20:27

viques · 13/07/2023 20:24

No not normal, would he turn up at a workplace expecting you to drop everything to come out for coffee? Ask him to text you arrange a mutually convenient time.

“Hi Sandra, would you be free for coffee this am, about 10.00?”

”No sorry, I am back to back meetings all day today and tomorrow. How about Wednesday pm at about half past 4, we could meet at the coffee shop on the high street , be great to get out of the house for half an hour.”

She doesn’t want to see him again though. At all. So he’s being persistent and a pest.

viques · 13/07/2023 20:28

Fluffylittlepup · 13/07/2023 20:27

She doesn’t want to see him again though. At all. So he’s being persistent and a pest.

Show quote history

Oops, missed that bit.

Fluffylittlepup · 13/07/2023 20:30

BillyNoM8s · 13/07/2023 20:26

You've been here five years. Unless you regularly have other people also turning up on your doorstep at 8am, you know it's not a British thing. Your issue is this man, not his nationality. Tell him to stop bothering you.

I'm married to a Spaniard. You lot are definitely more social than us. But never at 8am.

She’s having problems with all the English men she’s been out with though, apparently, because none of the relationships last for more than two months. Logically, if this was an ‘English man thing’ no one would ever be married here so maybe it isn’t just an ‘English man thing’. Logically speaking…

NeedToChangeName · 13/07/2023 20:31

Be polite but firm. And consistent. And not available. Grey rock. . Or get a Ring doorbell and don't answer if it's him

A restraining order is fairly serious

WhiteStripePipe · 13/07/2023 20:36

No, it’s not normal in the uk – same as Spain, you’d arrange it first. I mean, it’s not completely out of the question that a friend is passing by and knocks on the off-chance you fancy popping for a cup of tea/coffee.

But this is not that common nowadays I don’t think – the norm is really to arrange first as you don’t know if someone is mad busy – and lots of people don’t like to be taken by surprise.

And what’s it to do with him how spontaneous you are? You’re not together, it has no bearing on his life whatsoever.

It sounds like he’s angling for some sort of friends with benefits scenario to me.

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