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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Compassionate leave, is employer BU?

128 replies

Penguinmode · 13/07/2023 11:11

DH parent is ill in hospital and he has had to return to his home country to look after them. They are in intensive care and have been now for 3 weeks the outlook is not really know yet.

His employer has given 2 weeks paid compassionate leave and another emergency day, he also had annual leave to use so is taking this currently. They’ve now let us know that he will need to start taking unpaid leave soon. He can’t work from abroad.

WIBU here? DH thinks they should continue to pay the compassionate leave as we are going to struggle on one salary and he can’t leave his parent. But I think his employer has been pretty generous already although it’s going to leave us in a mess and I think he should think about returning home.

OP posts:

orangeleavesinautumn · 13/07/2023 11:13

employer has been incredibly generous, there is no way my employer would offer this

HundredMilesAnHour · 13/07/2023 11:15

Employer has been hugely generous already giving 2 weeks paid compassionate leave. Most companies I've worked for give 3 days max.

PinkFootstool · 13/07/2023 11:15

The employer will have a policy on paying compassionate leave. They can't pay it indefinitely, no matter how nice or how good an employee your DH is.

He has the option to go sick with the stress of having a very ill parent and be paid that way, but given he's abroad I'm not sure how that would work for sick notes etc.

My sympathies, it's hard but what planning has he got for the next stages, whatever happens? Does he plan to be out there indefinitely at the parents bedside for the recovery phase - which will be extensive after weeks in ICU - or to manage things should the worst happen?

Hiddenvoice · 13/07/2023 11:16

Employer has been generous. The situation is horrible and I feel for your dh and your family but the employer will hopefully be doing all they can just now.

catsnhats11 · 13/07/2023 11:17

5 days compassionate leave for me and I work for a good employer, so I would say his employer has been very generous.

His other option would be to take "sick leave" though how that might work given he's abroad he could be on dodgy ground.

DamaskRosie · 13/07/2023 11:18

They have already been extremely generous. I'm sorry, it's a horrible situation but I think it's unrealistic to expect them to keep paying indefinitely.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 13/07/2023 11:19

Wow. Australia is known for generous leave allowances and we only get 4 days compassionate leave and another 4 days carer's leave a year. He's had much more than that already (in I assume the UK?!).

Groovee · 13/07/2023 11:19

My organisation only give 5 days. After that it's unpaid. I was advised when my dad was in his last days to be signed off for longer if I needed it.

GerbilsForever24 · 13/07/2023 11:19

Very hard. Unfortunately, the employer has been pretty generous already so it's hard to argue that they should continue to pay compassionate leave.

A friend who was in a similar situation was lucky in that her employer cut her some slack and allowed her to work remotely while she was in another country while her mum was dying. She wasn't exactly performing at her best but she was able to do enough to stop things falling over and she was very grateful to them. I think she was out of the office for a total of about six weeks in two separate times.

dearJayne · 13/07/2023 11:20

I got 3 days compassionate leave so 2 weeks is generous.

Sorry to hear about your dhs family member but he needs to take unpaid leave now if he wants to be off longer.

noglow · 13/07/2023 11:21

DH thinks they should continue to pay the compassionate leave as we are going to struggle on one salary and he can’t leave his parent. not their problem. They pay him to work. They have been very generous and even letting him take unpaid leave at this stage is a generosity many employers wouldn't make.

ChessieFL · 13/07/2023 11:21

Agree employer has already been very generous. In many cases compassionate leave would only be for a few days and possibly only if a close family member had died. It’s not clear how long your DH will be off work so he/you can’t just expect the employer to keep paying him indefinitely.

Viviennemary · 13/07/2023 11:22

The employer has been generous in the two weeks paid leave and also with the offer of further unpaid leave. If he wants to keep his job he should accept the offer of unpaid leave and return to work as soon as he can.

cadburyegg · 13/07/2023 11:24

His employer has been very generous.

He is going to have to leave his parent and go back to work if he needs his salary.

KingOfThieves · 13/07/2023 11:26

Employer has been generous really. Sick leave could be an option.

Realistically, how much caring for them is he doing if they are in ICU? I think he may need to take unpaid leave in this case but I understand that feels unjust

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/07/2023 11:27

DamaskRosie · 13/07/2023 11:18

They have already been extremely generous. I'm sorry, it's a horrible situation but I think it's unrealistic to expect them to keep paying indefinitely.

Absolutely this. Horrible situation for your DH but his employer has been very generous and can’t continue to pay him for ever when he’s not working.

Hugasauras · 13/07/2023 11:28

I think it is quite generous in terms of what is standard. I can understand why he wants to remain abroad, however. I would take some out of AL to start with, while leaving some left over, and then just try to manage on unpaid. He won't get this time back, and if there is a risk is that his father might die quite suddenly, I would be encouraging him to stay there and we would work it out somehow, because to miss that would be heartbreaking.

My mum has just died and I was entitled as per work handbook to five days paid compassionate leave plus further leave at my manager's discretion, which is meant to either be unpaid or out of AL. In reality I think my lovely manager has put the extra days I am taking (I used those five days to help my stepdad and make arrangements as they lived 3 hours away) through as paid leave, as I noticed it on my work portal, but I was willing to use AL or take some time unpaid.

The other alternative, if his father is currently stable, is for him to come home but be ready to drop everything and get over there ASAP if things worsen. He might want to speak to the doctors to get their thoughts on whether a decline would likely be sudden or not (with the knowledge that no one can guarantee anything).

Sewingdufus · 13/07/2023 11:32

Your DH is massively stressed and that’s clouding his view. His employer has been very generous.

Hugasauras · 13/07/2023 11:33

Sorry I just realised you didn't specify mother or father, I thought I'd read 'him'. Apologies.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 13/07/2023 11:37

It's weird that the vote is 80% YANBU when all the replies are YABU. Maybe it'll adjust when the voting numbers go up.

I agree with the comments... two weeks compassionate leave for a sick parent is already above what many companies offer, and even allowing him to use annual leave isn't a given. Having an employee off for what sounds like 4+ weeks in a role is probably negatively impacting his team/the business already.

I don't envy him the choice between earning money or staying with his parent. I'm sorry.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 13/07/2023 11:37

His employers have been incredibly generous letting him have two weeks off on full pay.

Ultimately he doesn't need to be with his parent - that's his choice. And believe me, I really get why he feels he has to be there but it's not the employers job to fund that for him indefinitely.

He either needs to come home and go back to work, or see if he can get signed off with stress if he feels like he needs to stay abroad.

Timeforabiscuit · 13/07/2023 11:38

If its a uk employer, 3 days compassionate leave is the standard, would an unpaid leave of abscence be available? Or a career break?

Sometimes for large employers there may be a carers policy where he can take a few more days, or ask for some flexibility to work remotely.

It is a horrible situation to navigate, I wish we gave death and dying more consideration, 3 days after death really is no time at all.

tillytoodles1 · 13/07/2023 11:40

My H got two days compassionate leave when his mum died suddenly. He had to use a day's holiday for her funeral.

ohtowinthelottery · 13/07/2023 11:42

It's a tough situation but unfortunately I don't think the employer is being unreasonable at all. How long does your DH think he should get full pay for? Indefinitely?

ActDottie · 13/07/2023 11:42

Employer has been really generous already.

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