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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Compassionate leave, is employer BU?

128 replies

Penguinmode · 13/07/2023 11:11

DH parent is ill in hospital and he has had to return to his home country to look after them. They are in intensive care and have been now for 3 weeks the outlook is not really know yet.

His employer has given 2 weeks paid compassionate leave and another emergency day, he also had annual leave to use so is taking this currently. They’ve now let us know that he will need to start taking unpaid leave soon. He can’t work from abroad.

WIBU here? DH thinks they should continue to pay the compassionate leave as we are going to struggle on one salary and he can’t leave his parent. But I think his employer has been pretty generous already although it’s going to leave us in a mess and I think he should think about returning home.

OP posts:
FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 13/07/2023 12:57

If their in intensive care how much care can he reasonably give? he's just sitting there for company the nurses and medical staff do the care. ICU is edge of death stuff.

Makes no odds if he's there or not. Nice for both of them but this is the drawback of moving away from family.

mynewusername2023 · 13/07/2023 12:58

Incredibly generous so far. I wasn't even allowed a single day for the funeral of my husband's nan, who was like a nan for me. This is despite working the day she died.

I took as unpaid as a protest to the policy as I refused to use annual leave.

SBHon · 13/07/2023 13:01

I don’t know if this is the right advice, you’d need to look into it, but you could ask for a mortgage or rent payment holiday for a month (or 6) and set up a proper plan for it to take some of the pressure of outgoings off temporarily.

Silvers11 · 13/07/2023 13:18

ItsNotRocketSalad

It's weird that the vote is 80% YANBU when all the replies are YABU. Maybe it'll adjust when the voting numbers go up.

Not weird at all. The OP has said what she thinks should happen - basically that her OH should come home as the Employers have been very generous already. Which is what most of the replies are also saying - so she is Not being unreasonable. Posters here are mostly saying her OH is the one being unreasonable

pristinequeen · 13/07/2023 13:18

It's generous compared to others but we've had two people over the recent years take compassionate leave for death of a close family member and they were given 4 weeks and then took additional annual leave

Sapphire387 · 13/07/2023 13:20

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 13/07/2023 12:57

If their in intensive care how much care can he reasonably give? he's just sitting there for company the nurses and medical staff do the care. ICU is edge of death stuff.

Makes no odds if he's there or not. Nice for both of them but this is the drawback of moving away from family.

This is possibly the most callous thing I have read on MN.

Silvers11 · 13/07/2023 13:26

@Penguinmode - DH parent is ill in hospital and he has had to return to his home country to look after them. They are in intensive care and have been now for 3 weeks the outlook is not really know yet.

Can you clarify why your DH had to return to his Home country to look after someone who is in Intensive care? That would not be necessary in the UK, but I am aware that some hospitals in other countries do expect relatives to do a lot of things regarding care that would be done by nurses in the UK. What country is he in please?

Ghosttofu99 · 13/07/2023 13:28

That’s tough but either way please don’t put any pressure on him to come home unless it’s clear his parent is going to make a good recovery. These things unfortunately can turn very fast and it would be heartbreaking to be away from his parent at the end. Best wishes to you both.

Ghosttofu99 · 13/07/2023 13:29

Sapphire387 · 13/07/2023 13:20

This is possibly the most callous thing I have read on MN.

Show quote history

Agreed. Bottom of the barrel stuff.

Bearpawk · 13/07/2023 13:30

HR here. 2 weeks compassionate is the most generous policy I've ever seen.
Another option would be to get signed off sick with stress and claim SSP. But not ideal for his sickness record.

FFF3 · 13/07/2023 13:40

I would say they’ve been generous with the leave - but is it actually possible for your DH to work from another country? If it’s remote working that has worked previously, then I would say that’s not great if they don’t allow that.

Ineedaholidaynowplease · 13/07/2023 13:43

Legally they don't have to pay anything for compassionate leave so I think 2 weeks is pretty generous already. Likewise, they could argue allowing a fortnight to visit is reasonable so they are being generous in allowing more time albeit unpaid.

Not many employers would offer that, a lot of ppl in these circs would need to be signed off sick.

Horrible situation to be in. My sympathies.

AgnesX · 13/07/2023 13:45

A fortnight is generous.... all the employers I've ever known have dished out 2 days and begrudgingly at that ( hopefully others have had better experiences).

If he can't work overseas then unpaid leave it would need to be. Who knows how long the situation could drag on for.

So sorry for your DH, terrible position to be in

HollaHolla · 13/07/2023 13:47

I'd say that they've already been pretty generous; my experience has usually been 3-5 days. I understand that being overseas has complicated things.
A friend who is sadly in a similar position has been signed off with stress (because it is super stressful) for 2 months. Is that an option, if he can speak to his GP?

Meem321 · 13/07/2023 13:47

His doctor will sign him off and provide an electronic sick note.

Deathbyfluffy · 13/07/2023 13:48

Blimey, he's moaning about having 2 weeks of paid compassionate leave?
Sorry, and I know it's a touch time, but he needs to either be working (and paid for it) or off unpaid if he's used his annual leave.

They employ him to work, not be elsewhere - so I'm siding with the employer.

HollaHolla · 13/07/2023 13:49

Oh, and I wasn't even granted a day's compassionate leave for my only grandparent's funeral..... So I'd say it's now time for annual, or unpaid, leave.

Cosyblankets · 13/07/2023 13:59

Smellslikesummer · 13/07/2023 12:37

To the people advising to take sick leave for stress, don’t you think this is dishonest? From the OP it sounds like he wants to stay with their parent, not that he is so stressed he wouldn’t be able to work.
If he was self employed do you really believe he would not work (and not earn)?

Abusing stress related sick leave is the same as faking a physical illness, it is dishonest and as a result people who genuinely need leave because of stress are treated with suspicion.

Perhaps you could give us an example of something more stressful than having a parent in ITU abroad that you cannot be with.
One of my parents took ill very suddenly and died a few weeks later. I could barely function. Is that stressful enough for you or was I faking it?

Minfilia · 13/07/2023 14:43

It is generous!

I got a month of paid leave when I was in my early 30s and a parent died suddenly (leaving me caring for my disabled brother) but I had a good work record with low sickness and had worked for them for ten years. It wasn’t standard policy, they just kindly exercised their discretion.

The standard policy was 5 days paid.

The legal right is to a reasonable amount of unpaid leave so they’ve gone beyond that!

I would expect it to be unpaid at this point. He could try and get a fit note for stress though which would be completely understandable!

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 13/07/2023 14:51

Smellslikesummer · 13/07/2023 12:37

To the people advising to take sick leave for stress, don’t you think this is dishonest? From the OP it sounds like he wants to stay with their parent, not that he is so stressed he wouldn’t be able to work.
If he was self employed do you really believe he would not work (and not earn)?

Abusing stress related sick leave is the same as faking a physical illness, it is dishonest and as a result people who genuinely need leave because of stress are treated with suspicion.

Of course it's not dishonest Hmm

Having a parent dying in hospital is incredibly stressful and I would think that the vast majority of people would want to stay with them. Any doctor would be happy to sign someone off in this scenario - it's what sick leave is there for!

FYI I am self-employed and if my mum was dying in hospital then I would be temporarily closing my business and going to sit at her bedside. DH is also self-employed and would do exactly the same. Luckily we both have decent clients who would absolutely understand us being unable to work for a short period of time.

Work can wait. I would never, ever forgive myself if I prioritised my job over being with my parent while they were dying in a hospital bed.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 13/07/2023 14:53

Lol at callous. Don't go into healthcare if you think that's callous. You would not approve of the things I have heard.

ICU is no place for widows and orphans it's edge of life last chance care. HDU is a spa by comparison.

okiedokie1 · 13/07/2023 14:55

DH thinks they should continue to pay the compassionate leave as we are going to struggle on one salary and he can’t leave his parent

What? Indefinitely? Whilst it's a terrible situation, it's not reasonable ti expect an employer to pay because his employer can't manage financially.

Sunsetandsunrise · 13/07/2023 15:01

ItsNotRocketSalad · 13/07/2023 11:37

It's weird that the vote is 80% YANBU when all the replies are YABU. Maybe it'll adjust when the voting numbers go up.

I agree with the comments... two weeks compassionate leave for a sick parent is already above what many companies offer, and even allowing him to use annual leave isn't a given. Having an employee off for what sounds like 4+ weeks in a role is probably negatively impacting his team/the business already.

I don't envy him the choice between earning money or staying with his parent. I'm sorry.

No the comments are saying op’s husband is BU.

OP is not in agreement with her husband and has the same stance as most of the commenters dating the employer is generous. Therefore she is NBU

I suspect some of the ones who voted YABU probably misread OP’s post too.

JulieHoney · 13/07/2023 15:08

Your DH must be beside himself with worry. He isn’t thinking logically, and that’s understandable.

His employer has been generous and accommodating. Either DH has to come home or you need to look into ways to cope financially for another few weeks on one income.

Could you talk to your mortgage company and utilities and arrange a deferral for a while until he’s back and earning?

SweetAsIcedChocolate · 13/07/2023 15:11

Smellslikesummer · 13/07/2023 12:37

To the people advising to take sick leave for stress, don’t you think this is dishonest? From the OP it sounds like he wants to stay with their parent, not that he is so stressed he wouldn’t be able to work.
If he was self employed do you really believe he would not work (and not earn)?

Abusing stress related sick leave is the same as faking a physical illness, it is dishonest and as a result people who genuinely need leave because of stress are treated with suspicion.

Do you think for some reason that he isn’t under unimaginable stress at the moment? Do you think he actually would be able to work with his parent in ICU?
From my own experience, when DH was in ICU I was a wreck. No way could I have popped along to my public facing role for 9 hours a day and asked ‘how can I help you?’.
I hope, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, you are able to reflect on what you have posted here. Have some bloody empathy.