To think this was cruel towards their daughter?

[Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids]

It's a work friend who has a 21 year old daughter. The daughter lives with her parents and had her long-term bf to stay over for a couple of nights (LDR)
I think her father wanted them to sleep in different rooms initially, but it would've meant sharing a room with her younger brother.
One night apparently the father heard some 'noise' coming from the floorboards upstairs which led directly to the daughter's bedroom and put two and two together.
Anyway, he was furious and told her mother on the phone about the 'night he'd had'.
He then invited their family friends to go out for a meal but left their daughter and boyfriend at home, they weren't invited. Apparently he was cold with the daughter that day.
Aibu to find this incredibly harsh towards the 21 year old. Sure, nobody really wants to hear that but a quiet word 'Can you make sure you're a bit quieter next time' would have sufficed.
Deliberately leaving her out and telling her Mum about it is just cruel. The girl is 21 so an adult, she should move out if that's how she's treated.

Sounds like a normal dad reaction to me and cruel is a strong word.

At 21 that’s ridiculous.

What is your stake in all this? The dad is upset, and understandably. The daughter very probably cant afford to move out, many 21 year olds are stuck in their parents houses, and will have to make compromises to make it work for all concerned.

I think it's fine to tell the mum...I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with that

As for the meal... would the daughter usually be invited to a meal with their parents friends?

‘Normal dad reaction’? To what exactly? I’m wondering if his reaction would have been the same to overhearing his adult son having a moment with his partner…

Really? To punish her all the next day? I find it really toxic, he could've just had a quiet word and got over it.

Sounds harsh to me. She's 21 not 15

I'm sure nobody wants to hear their children doing that. I remember hearing my parents doing it once or twice and it wasn't exactly a pleasant experience! However I didn't act like that with them afterwards.

There's two bits to this:
Does he want his daughter to sleep with her boyfriend in his house- whilst his attitude is dated particularly when adult children live at home longer now. It's a date attitude.
Giving her the silent treatment and excluding her for doing something he disapproved of is wrong and is emotional abusive.
I suspect he sees himself as a traditional 'man of the house' and the women should go as he directs.

Cruel is a bit of an extreme way to describe not being invited for dinner.

Why are you so invested? Perfectly reasonable for the father to have 'rules' for his own house ... if the DD doesn't like them she can leave home or just not invite her BF to sleepover ... or share with her brother/on the sofa whatever.
And would the DD and the BF really expect to go out for dinner with the friends?
Compromises and agreements have to be reached when adult DC live at home (I know ... we've got our 22 year old back at home after 4 years at Uni ... it's hard on both sides).

Apparently the daughter asked why she wasn't invited because she usually would have been. So she was deliberately not invited.

I'm only asking for opinions, it's a forum.

Grown ups have sex 😱

The Dad really needs to get over the fact that his adult daughter has a sex life. I'm sure he did at 21, so why should it be different for her?

The problem with the housing crisis is that it's going to cause more inter-generational living and that only works if the individuals in the house respect each other.

The daughter needs to respect her parents by being quieter and the parents need to respect that their child is now an adult and can choose what she wants to do with her body.

I'd think less of him as a friend, coming in and talking about his adult daughters sex life with his colleagues.

Also, sort of ironic that he didn't want them shagging but then left the two of them home alone while he went for dinner.

Giving someone the silent treatment is fucking awful.

Hmmm, well his house his rules, I guess, but to me having the rule at all for a 21yo is a bit strange and excluding her as a punishment is unkind. I think she needs to accept that this is her dad's position and that he means it, and so if she's not happy she should start planning to move out, which is what I would do in her shoes.

If the Dad can't bear the thought of his daughter having sex then he probably won't be able to discuss it reasonably. Some Dads would scream and shout, others like the sulky, silent treatment.

He's not emotionally capable of better, sadly.

Poor girl, being shamed like this.

im confused what’s upsetting who?
not being invited could be viewed as allowing her privacy?
youth having sex at home? Surely by 21 a young person knows how their parents will react.
and it’s perfectly reasonable to plan/consider separate bed rooms.
or get a hotel.

So hang on, he heard some creaking floorboards? Bit of an overreaction.

Yes it's cruel. It's not a 'normal dad reaction' - it's the action of a controller. You don't punish adults for having sex. Weirdo.

You’re a bit over invested in this.
He had a rule, separate room, many parents have this. The DD doesn’t have to live at home at 21 but while she does they don’t want her bf staying in her room. That’s fair enough. She choose to break that rule and the consequence of that is missing a lunch out.
Are people getting pent up because this is about sex? If a 16 year old was told to not go on the PlayStation all night and did anyway and then wasn’t treated to lunch the next day would people be outraged?

Maybe the Dad wasn't sleeping soundly because he was hyper vigilant and had his bat ears on for any tiny noise emanating from his daughter's room. She wasn't necessarily swinging from the chandelier.

It’s insane to think that two 21 year olds aren’t going to have sex if they’re sleeping in the same bed, so if the father had such a problem with it under his roof (as he has every right to) then he should have refused to let the bf stay over, or insist one of them slept on the sofa.

Also, it’s quite understandable that he doesn’t want to hear them. But surely a quick ‘this is not something your dad wants to listen to’ would have mortified her enough that she made sure it didn’t happen again? His reaction is a little odd.

I’m assuming you work with the mum? What did she think about his reaction?

I think the dad embarrassed himself more than his daughter
What a dickhead

Do you know a lot of dads that don't know how to communicate like adults? I'm going to use a stronger phrase than just cruel: I think huffing about giving someone the silent treatment and not inviting them to places you'd normally invite them, rather than saying what's bothered you, is emotionally abusive.