To think this was cruel towards their daughter?

[Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids]

It's a work friend who has a 21 year old daughter. The daughter lives with her parents and had her long-term bf to stay over for a couple of nights (LDR)
I think her father wanted them to sleep in different rooms initially, but it would've meant sharing a room with her younger brother.
One night apparently the father heard some 'noise' coming from the floorboards upstairs which led directly to the daughter's bedroom and put two and two together.
Anyway, he was furious and told her mother on the phone about the 'night he'd had'.
He then invited their family friends to go out for a meal but left their daughter and boyfriend at home, they weren't invited. Apparently he was cold with the daughter that day.
Aibu to find this incredibly harsh towards the 21 year old. Sure, nobody really wants to hear that but a quiet word 'Can you make sure you're a bit quieter next time' would have sufficed.
Deliberately leaving her out and telling her Mum about it is just cruel. The girl is 21 so an adult, she should move out if that's how she's treated.

But she’s not 16, she’s an adult. Telling adults not to have sex with their partners because they’re under their parents roof is a ridiculously archaic stance to take. Being respectful and quiet is not unreasonable but ‘no sex, separate bedrooms’ at 21 is quite frankly the most embarrassing thing about this. It’s a very quick way to lose respect for your parents, not because of their ‘rules’ but because they evidently will always treat you like a child when under their roof.

I can't put my finger on it but there's something weird about this Dad acting like this and id be amazed if all he heard was creaking floorboards id bet he was actually listening. Like hes controlling his daughters sex life literally and emotionally by being difficult. Why? Would make me a bit uncomfortable but I can't explain why.

What does mum say?

Are you the daughter? Otherwise I can't see why you even care. The father is a dinosaur but his house, his rules. The daughter and boyfriend can move in together or stay at a hotel/b&b when he visits. The not being invited out - maybe the father didn't want to have to pay for the boyfriends meal too? Maybe he wanted to talk it over with his friend? It all sounds like a storm in a teacup to me.

She should have flat out denied it - " eeew Dad don't be daft no way would we have sex if theres a chance you could hear"

Then he'd either have to just back off or admit he was listening in.

Well I imagine they got up to a whole lot more being left at home for the day.

He is an idiot. What does he do when he hears her fart fumigate the house! Sex is a normal part of a healthy life.

This sounds a lot like my dad, I don’t think he’d be as calm as just giving me the silent treatment though - probably would of packed my bags as he was very much “my house my rules” kind of man. If you want to sleep in the same bed you can get your own place.
It ended up with quite frosty living conditions between the 2 of us and I moved out at 24. Obviously a lot harder with COL crisis going on to move out but it was the only way to get some freedom.

He sounds like a bit of a gobshite, but you're a bit over invested imo.

If the dad could hear, then presumably so could the younger brother. Perhaps this is the issue. I think loud sex when other people are in the house is disrespectful, particularly when its your parent's home. Punishing her for it is wierd. Coming into work and telling all of his colleagues about it is out of order. Neither father nor daughter are being respectful towards each other here.

Maybe dad left them at home so they could have their ‘alone time’ when he wasn’t in the house and could selectively deny it to himself? Sounds like a good plan

If she is old enough to have sex, she is old enough not to go with daddy and his friends for a meal out!

Since when is it "cruel" not to bring a 21 year old along? She should be happy, she can have noisy sex while the house is empty.

The OP is just as over-reacting as the dad. Every adult needs to grow up in that story.

Yeahhh... so kinda agree with where you are. It's an overreaction to be upset anyway over floorboards and guessing 21 yo daughter is spending the night with her LTB. And the shaming aspect of leaving her out is cruel, I agree with that.

I am just conscious that we don't know the full story though and there may be reasons why this is a huge deal to the Dad. There could be reasons why he's not part of the "sex positive movement" and ultimately it is his house. If daughter knew he didn't want it under his roof, then at 21 she's old enough to have made alternative arrangements.

My Nan was once having her sister and brother in law visit. They were all over 40 with grown up children. She made arrangements for her and her sister to share a room and my grandad and BIL to stay in the other bedroom 🤣🤣 THAT was a bit extreme and my great aunt told her not to be so bloody daft, it was a laughable moment later, but some people really are extremely uncomfortable with sex. It's not necessarily right or a healthy attitude to have but it's their home. So. 🤷

There's no mention of "loud sex" in the OP. In fact, from the description, the sound could have been walking about.

I really don't understand why people need to embroider things like this. It's how rumours run rampant.

At 21 the dad needs to just accept she’s old enough to have a proper relationship now.

I agree with you, OP.

Well, is it not possible that the reason she wasn’t invited was to allow her and her boyfriend some alone time at home so they could have back-clawing sex in several rooms without annoying anyone?

Honestly, though, this situation is one of the minor madnesses that emerge from adults living with their parents. The ‘can’t afford to move out’ and/or ‘saving for a deposit’ narratives don’t do anyone any favours. Move out, move away, live in a shitty houseshare and develop an independent adult identity, rather than this infantilising curfews/separate rooms/having your laundry done mess.

One of the nice things about being an adult is we don't have to buy dinner for other adults that upset us.

The daughter deceived her father. That's upsetting. If she thinks his rules are ridiculous (they are) she needs to talk to him like a grown up, not sneek around behind his back. Or move out. Or sleep with her boyfriend at his house, or hire a hotel room. She had lots of choices.

Is it a normal dad reaction to give your daughter the cold shoulder and leave her out of an event she would normally be invited to ? Because his 21 DD had sex with her boyfriend, who the dad allows to stay over? I don't think that's a normal reaction at all. I agree cruel is a strong word, but the dad is certainly over-reacting. All he had to do is ask her to keep the noise down next time!

Thankfully, I think, most dads would not react this way.

The daughter deceived her father

Have I missed something? How has she deceived him?

I find it immensely creepy when fathers get angry about their adult daughters having a sexually active sex life. I always think ‘do you fancy her or something’. These goats think that woman is ‘theirs’. Creepy creepy creepy.

That should have been ‘twats’ rather than ‘goats’ but goats is actually quite fitting

Dads can be a bit sensitive about daughters. I remember after having lived with DH before he was DH for a few months, and I was about 23 years old, we came to stay at my parent's house. Apparently my dad did query my mum (but didn't say anything to me) about my sharing a bed/room with DH, but after my mum stopped laughing she told him not to be daft and that was it.

But he still wouldn't have acted like the dad in the OP.

@budgiegirl I thought from the OP he put them in separate rooms?

Yea thats how I feel I think. It IS really creepy. Nothing will convince me this father wasn't actually trying to listen to his daughter having sex either 🤢

This. Particularly when the dad is a dinosaur and sees women as his property - because at heart, that's what this is all about. It's not that far away from him saying 'AIBU, my daughter is now sullied and i won't be able to get a dowry for her thanks to her loss of purity.' Horrendous attitude. But ofc the answer is to move out.