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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you expect your partners family to treat your children like family?

122 replies

Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 07:23

If you're with a partner or spouse who isn't your children's parent, would you expect their family to treat your children from a previous relationship the same as other children in the family who are related to them?

I.e. same presents at Christmas, same interest in their hobbies, schooling, lives in general, same offers of childcare ect.

Not specified which side of this I'm on as wanted unbiased opinions if possible.

YABU - No its fine for them to treat children related to them differently to children who are not.

YANBU - Yes I would expect it.

OP posts:

thecrispfiend · 13/07/2023 09:09

They live with their dad full time

thecrispfiend · 13/07/2023 09:11

Partners parents live the other side of the country so they rarely see their own grandparents

Pinkprescription · 13/07/2023 09:13

My direct family are very welcoming and would above and beyond to welcome anyone to the family.
However, I was adopted by one parent as a toddler. Most of my adopting parent's family treated me as my step sibling who was related to them by blood. But certain relatives always treated me as the inferior sibling - token gifts when my sibling had lovely presents like a new bike, gold watch, deposit for a house when I would get a book.
As I had no contact with my biological family - it wasn't as if I had a whole different family. Rightly, or wrongly, I was always a bit jealous of my half sibling who got twice as many presents, was taken on holidays by that side of the family and had a much bigger support network.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 13/07/2023 09:43

No definitely cannot be expected to be treated the same. Your parents would be kind and good to give all children present treats/ice creams, however the offer of childcare/money/inheritance/expensive gifts should not be expected for partners children.
Particularly as they are older, non-resident, and you are not married to their father.

billy1966 · 13/07/2023 09:50

I can understand your parents thinking your two are enough, but if it happened a lot I might encourage it when the SC are not around.

However, I would also see the times your parents take them out as a wonderful opportunity for your SC to have time with their father.

Your parents sound kind.

Unfortunately it is not their job to fill a void left by your husbands parents, even though I would be sympathetic to him.

gamerchick · 13/07/2023 09:51

Hibiscrubbed · 13/07/2023 09:57

The kids are 13 and 15, now right? And yours are 3 and 1?

I think it’s fine for your family to treat them as they are. Your H is likely to feel sensitive, but it’s not the same relationship for your family. And the children are in vastly different life stages.

Namechangenoo · 13/07/2023 09:57

I have a step-nephew who came into our lives aged 4 and he is treated the same. It would be so mean not to include him in everything, especially as his own dad and paternal family don't have any involvement in his life.

It's different for teenage stepchildren/grandchildren who come into a family at an older age.

Hibiscrubbed · 13/07/2023 09:58

And yeah, this:

However, I would also see the times your parents take them out as a wonderful opportunity for your SC to have time with their father.

It’s unfortunate your H doesn’t see his family, but the onus is not in your parents to make up for that. It just isn’t. They include them and think of them in an appropriate way.

Nottodaythx · 13/07/2023 10:03

I have an expectation that all children are included. So holidays, family time (within reason), Xmas and birthdays to be acknowledged but not the same value presents etc as kids from split families get plenty.

funinthesun19 · 13/07/2023 10:06

It very much depends.

I think the actual grandchildren should get quality time with their grandparents without some step/halfsiblings (who have their own family and set of grandparents somewhere) swooping in all the time.

So if I met a partner with children, I would expect there to be some separation and differences between the children’s lives. They can’t always have the exact same if they have different parents, especially if they’re a step sibling and literally have no biological connection to anybody.

mewkins · 13/07/2023 10:42

Op I think that in your situation it is kind of OK as two older kids are going to find completely different things fun. If they were all of a similar age I would find it harder.

I find the whole blood relatives thing interesting. I have a very small family so growing up we were very close to family friends. My parents thought nothing of buying treats/taking other kids on holiday, daytrips etc. And likewise my 'aunties' were very kind and generous to us even though we weren't related.

Escapefromhell · 13/07/2023 10:48

A token gift would be a nice gesture, but not expected. The step children have their own family.

Anniejameslastcallanniejames · 13/07/2023 10:49

My Stepgrand parents (stepmums parents) have always bought me xmas and bday pressies - and they do now for my children. I/my children don’t get the same in cost as bio GC - but on bigger birthdays ie 21st/30th etc they have always bought me a more lavish gift. They also have photo’s of me and my children in their home and are very loving. I have very good relationship with stepnan and step aunts. However I’ve now been in their family for 32 years. My stepdads family are the same but we have less of a bond.
My Hubbys family treat my son exactly the same as our daughter together as do I with their children.
I think it depends on the families tbh as long as there included and treated nicely and the kids feel comfortable that’s the main thing.

CurlewKate · 13/07/2023 10:59

I hope I would treat my children's step children, if they had them, the same as I would treat their birth children, if they had them. You can't force love/bond. But you can be fair. I remember my brother's stepdaughter talking at my mother's funeral about how much it had meant to her that she was welcomed into our family.

familyissues12345 · 13/07/2023 11:09

I think there's so many variables. How frequently they see them, how young they were when they met them etc

My DH's family have always been lovely with DS1. We met when he was 2, lived together from him being 3. We saw my in laws every couple of weeks and my brother in law and his family once a month or so.

He's always referred to DH's family as "grandad" "uncle and Aunty" etc, and they very much refer to him as grandson and nephew.

We lived together as a family though, I never demanded it, but it's really lovely how they took him on as a member of the family.

Wenfy · 13/07/2023 11:27

OP these kids have been in your life since they were 5 and 7. Have your DP always treated them like this even before your kids were born? It’s massively unreasonable for them to display this behaviour in front or the older kids and in your position I would definitely put a stop to them popping in to take the younger kids while the older ones are at home - all visits / trips / nice stuff should happen when the older kids are with their mum.

As for your DP - he should take the opportunity to do 1-2-1 activities just with the older kids if he wants them to have similar experiences. There’s no reason why contact on his time needs to involve the entire family. Especially if your DP are swanning in to take your youngest on trips while they’re there.

Zezet · 13/07/2023 21:56

I would expect adults' aim to be that the children get the same amount of love in TOTAL.

So if the step(grand)children also have warm relationships with their other biological parents and family, I think I would give them less.

If my step(grand)children had no "extra" circle of family to fall back on, I would treat them like my own.

Cammac · 13/07/2023 22:05

Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 07:29

In my own personal example, relationship has been 8 years, children were then 5 and 7 and there is now two joint children who are 3 and 1.

Do the older children have contact with their paternal family? Do they get birthday, Christmas presents etc from their fathers family? If so do the younger dc?

context is everything

Daffodilwoman · 13/07/2023 22:16

No I don’t think it’s always possible. For example I do not expect my mil to leave anything in her will to my dcs. I know for a fact she is leaving money to all her biological grandchildren though.

Doone21 · 14/07/2023 09:20

No if the step grand parents, aunts, etc show an interest then great but I don't expect anything from them particularly if they only met the kid once they were older- 8 or 9 yrs in my case plus it's not like there's other kids same age that are getting attention to compare to at family occasions so there's never any if us all swapping gifts at Christmas where some kids get more stuff

Ginger1982 · 14/07/2023 17:27

So the step kids are now 15 and 13 and the other kids 3 and 1? That's quite an age gap so I probably wouldn't expect them to all be taken out together. In terms of gifts, I suppose it depends how much time your family spent with them prior to your own kids coming along.

If they have no relationship with your DH's parents then that's on him/his parents. Yours can't be forced to make up the difference if the relationship isn't there.

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