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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you expect your partners family to treat your children like family?

122 replies

Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 07:23

If you're with a partner or spouse who isn't your children's parent, would you expect their family to treat your children from a previous relationship the same as other children in the family who are related to them?

I.e. same presents at Christmas, same interest in their hobbies, schooling, lives in general, same offers of childcare ect.

Not specified which side of this I'm on as wanted unbiased opinions if possible.

YABU - No its fine for them to treat children related to them differently to children who are not.

YANBU - Yes I would expect it.

OP posts:
Spidey66 · 13/07/2023 08:12

I think the relationship with the nrp needs to be taken on board too. If they're involved I wouldn't want to tread on too many toes.

WimpoleHat · 13/07/2023 08:12

Depends on so many factors - every situation is different. Do the older kids have their own GPs they see regularly or do they see your partner’s parents as “their” grandparents too? If the latter, it’s nice if there’s a Christmas gift, but totally reasonable that it’s of lesser value. If all the kids see them as “gran and grandpa”, then it’s more tricky.

TheHandbag · 13/07/2023 08:14

Daily lives yes and we have accepted step nephews and still maintain the relationship after divorce. For inheritance then blood comes first especially since bil has now divorced sil. Also, because the step nephews will inherit from their dad's family who are extremely wealthy.

WandaWonder · 13/07/2023 08:15

Of course it would be nice for the children but this is one thing step parents need to be aware of just because someone shacks up with someone with children does not make all the adults around them act like it

GritGoes4th · 13/07/2023 08:17

In your situation -

The older two may have 2 sets of grandparents alive, as the younger two may. Are all sets of gps doing the same? You may have older two receiving presents from 3 sets of gps (icluding the step family). Is that fair to the younger children?

Younger two may receive much smaller gifts if gps are providing 4 gifts rather than 2, than they might otherwise.

Are the dc all at gps when presents are passed out? Or are they posted to your home and handed out with whatever else is under the tree?

It's a complex situation with so many variables that it's impossible to say from your summary.

PrayerFactory · 13/07/2023 08:17

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 13/07/2023 07:37

No, not really. We did when a brother's wife had a child from a previous marriage, eggs at Easter, Birthday and Christmas gifts etc, but obviously when they divorced we didn't see the child again. The same money wouldn't have been spent - bonds, savings etc, but gifts were given and time spent.

That’s one of the key points, I think. My parents (now 80, have been together for almost 60 years, don’t understand serial monogamy infidelity, or splitting up because you aren’t happy etc) were absolutely devastated when my sister split with her longterm partner, whose young children from a previous marriage they (and my sister) had become very, very fond of. The partner didn’t even let my sister say goodbye to the children, and obviously my parents never saw them again. She’s now in a happy longterm relationship with a man with an 12 and 15 year old, and they’re much more guarded about considering them family, as they were so heartbroken. Sister didn’t have children with either man.

I think that experience of a breakup meaning the children vanish from the family has a big influence on extended family feelings about their ‘status’.

Beamur · 13/07/2023 08:18

My Mum treated my DSC really kindly - bought them gifts etc, but not the same as her GD.
My DH's ex family were similar with our DD to whom they had even less connection.
It depends so much on context, ages, etc. My SC are more than 10 years older than my DD so had some maturity and understanding and were not jealous of her - this might have been very different if they were younger or more similar in ages.

CamCola · 13/07/2023 08:19

Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 07:36

Would you think it would need to be to the same cost roughly or amount of gifts though?

Show quote history

No.

My parents spend a token amount on my dsd and she gets £10-£15 spent on her plus a selection box and they spend a lot more on their actual gran children (my children).

There is no offer of childcare, they don’t pay attention to her school/home life except a token ‘how’s school going?’ Now and a again.

They are not her grandparents.

She will be left no inheritance from them either.

Flopsythebunny · 13/07/2023 08:20

I'll never forget my step grandmother begrudgingly looking after me and my sister while my step mother was in hospital having a baby in the 70's. I was 7, my dsis was 5. We were there for a week, and every morning we would get up, have breakfast, then she would drive us to a park/playground (northern seaside town) at the other side of town. This was in March so quite cold.
She would give us a sandwich each for lunch wrapped in cling film and just leave us there until 5pm. After she picked us up, we would have tea, bath and straight to bed. It was very obvious that we were not wanted.
Her daughter, my step mother was the same. Once she had her own baby she persuaded my weak, pathetic father that we were too naughty for her to manage so we were put into local authority care.

Original poster
Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 08:22

Okay so I'm the step parent in this situation. It's my husband who has two older children, and they live with us 50% of the time.

My family has never been massively involved, will buy token presents at Christmas or birthdays but they don't really get involved in much else unless we all happen to be in the same room for one reason or another when obviously they are kind and polite. They don't ask after DSC or anything like that when we talk and they all absolutely dote on our two, for example they wouldn't think anything of coming over to take our two youngest out for a fun day out when DSC are there but not offering to take the older ones too, just wouldn't enter their minds to do that (I don't think they need to either personally).

I've never found it an issue, DH I think finds it hard.

They have a good relationship with mums family but none really with DHs as he's low contact with a lot of them including his parents.

OP posts:
Starseeking · 13/07/2023 08:24

No I wouldn't.

My parents were heavily involved in supporting me with DC from day dot. They also did childcare a couple of days a week when I went back from 7 months maternity leave. They take DC on days out, and they have their own special relationship.

When I met my EXDP, his DC was 4, he was NRP with EOW contact. My parents saw DSC perhaps 2 or 3 times a year in any given year during the 7 years we were together.

My parents bought DSC a gift at Christmas and birthday, however they showered my DC with presents, which was never done in front of DSC.

Since I split with EXDP 2 years ago, my family have not seen DSC (neither have I, as is his father's preference).

I only expect my family to be kind to them, and treat them nicely, but I wouldn't expect them to invest in the same way they do with my DC. Anything over and over that would be a bonus to me.

Original poster
Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 08:25

I think it's because he doesn't speak to his parents so he's never really seen a close family relationship or grandparents and grandchildren. DSC has that with their mums family but obviously DH doesn't witness it often.

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 13/07/2023 08:25

They have two sets of grandparents already though, I'm assuming?

Original poster
Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 08:26

Floofydawg · 13/07/2023 08:25

They have two sets of grandparents already though, I'm assuming?

No, DH doesn't speak to his parents and they have no relationship with any of the children.

OP posts:
BadGranny · 13/07/2023 08:27

I treat all my grandchildren the same, bio and steps. The older steps are less invested in the relationship, as you’d expect, but I don’t love them any less because of that. They are all equally provided for in my will.

WimpoleHat · 13/07/2023 08:27

They have a good relationship with mums family

I think this is the key here. All children have a strong bond with maternal grandparents - they just have different ones. So your DSCs will have their own “gran and grandpa” and see your mum and dad as “Sue and Bob” who are “A and AB’s gran and grandpa”? In which case, as long as your parents are kind to them and don’t actively exclude them (ie only buying an ice cream for your kids, that sort of thing), I think it’s fine for them to have a different relationship and your DH is expecting too much.

Original poster
Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 08:28

(ie only buying an ice cream for your kids, that sort of thing)

No, if they were round and the ice cream van pulled up they'd buy for all. But if they were taking DC out for ice cream somewhere else they'd only invite our DC.

OP posts:
sweepleall · 13/07/2023 08:28

they wouldn't think anything of coming over to take our two youngest out for a fun day out when DSC are there but not offering to take the older ones too

I think this bit is a bit shitty to be honest unless it's a day out that just wouldn't appeal at all to the older ones.

If they really don't want to take out the older ones, they should time it for when they aren't around

Original poster
Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 08:30

sweepleall · 13/07/2023 08:28

they wouldn't think anything of coming over to take our two youngest out for a fun day out when DSC are there but not offering to take the older ones too

I think this bit is a bit shitty to be honest unless it's a day out that just wouldn't appeal at all to the older ones.

If they really don't want to take out the older ones, they should time it for when they aren't around

They just like spending time with their grandchildren / nieces. I don't think it means they have to take along two children they don't have much of a relationship with every time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 08:30

Or even any of the time really.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 13/07/2023 08:31

It sounds like your DH is wanting them to fill the void left by his family, but he needs to accept that this is what they have to offer. All children are close to their maternal family, none to their paternal.

45387pob · 13/07/2023 08:31

Newphony · 13/07/2023 07:33

No, quite often biological aunties and uncles make no effort, and we are told on mumsnet over and over again that is fine and their right, and to expect anything is grabby and entitled. So by that logic no one should do anything for anyone.

That's a really good point, you do see that all the time on here, yet when it's a 'step' relationship the 'step' should be jumping through hoops to be inclusive and generous.

Original poster
Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 08:32

aSofaNearYou · 13/07/2023 08:31

It sounds like your DH is wanting them to fill the void left by his family, but he needs to accept that this is what they have to offer. All children are close to their maternal family, none to their paternal.

Yes I think there is some of this.

OP posts:
WaitingForNothingGood · 13/07/2023 08:33

I've never found it an issue, DH I think finds it hard.

Do the kids actually care though?

Original poster
Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 08:33

I've also always said I will not hinder my children's relationship with their family at all because it makes him sad (unnecessarily imo) for his older children.

OP posts: