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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you expect your partners family to treat your children like family?

122 replies

Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 07:23

If you're with a partner or spouse who isn't your children's parent, would you expect their family to treat your children from a previous relationship the same as other children in the family who are related to them?

I.e. same presents at Christmas, same interest in their hobbies, schooling, lives in general, same offers of childcare ect.

Not specified which side of this I'm on as wanted unbiased opinions if possible.

YABU - No its fine for them to treat children related to them differently to children who are not.

YANBU - Yes I would expect it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 08:33

WaitingForNothingGood · 13/07/2023 08:33

I've never found it an issue, DH I think finds it hard.

Do the kids actually care though?

They've never said anything that I'm aware of.

OP posts:
vivaespanaole · 13/07/2023 08:33

There isn't a rule book and there isn't a right or wrong. Very much depends on the culture of the family anyway.

My mum would. My partners parents are very welcoming to my kids and buy them a Christmas gift and birthday gift. Its not matched to what they get their own grandchildren but they don't open the gifts of each other and we have no shared children. And our kids are a lot older.

Once you have shared children i'd be really uncomfortable if they were treat differently if the kids themselves saw each other as just one tribe. But, not everyone can cope with the blurred u defined lines of modern families. So i'd try not to read too much into it.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 13/07/2023 08:33

It's a tough one.

I think it's a massive ask to expect extended family to treat an unrelated child the same as their own grandchildren, nephews and nieces etc. I understand why lots would struggle with that.

Having said that, I wouldn't get into a relationship and have children with someone who already had a child unless I was confident that my family would be able to treat all of the children equally.

Likewise, if I had a child from a previous relationship, I wouldn't get into a relationship and have more children with someone unless I was 100% confident that my existing child wasn't going to become the second class citizen.

cheezncrackers · 13/07/2023 08:33

My parents would be the same OP and actually, I would too. Blood really is thicker than water. Your DH's two previous DC are no relation to your DPs. They are the half-siblings of their GC, but they're nothing to them on their own. And you can't force that bond. I come from a divorce/remarriage on both sides situation and the bond was always there with blood relatives, while with the steps it never has been, and they are people I've known my whole life.

WimpoleHat · 13/07/2023 08:35

they wouldn't think anything of coming over to take our two youngest out for a fun day out when DSC are there but not offering to take the older ones too

Do your DSC’s maternal grandparents take them out for the day? If so, presumably your kids see them going and aren’t invited as well?

sweepleall · 13/07/2023 08:35

Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 08:30

They just like spending time with their grandchildren / nieces. I don't think it means they have to take along two children they don't have much of a relationship with every time.

Show quote history

50% of the time they aren't there at all so it wouldn't be every time

But yeah I think inviting two children in a household to go out for ice cream is a bit .. well, I wouldn't really like that person very much, put it that way.

And I definitely don't think they have to treat them exactly the same as my other posts show but this stuff is a bit cold. (No pun intended)

I offered to take my nieces out for ice cream and they happened to have a neighbour friend over at that moment, I wouldn't have dreamed of not including them and I hadn't even met the neighbour before

Maray1967 · 13/07/2023 08:36

In this case the situation seems equal - as pp said, all the children are close to maternal grandparents so it would be unequal if, for example, the SDC received the same number of gifts from your parents as your Dc - and then received more from their maternal GPS whereas your DC have no other GPS.

I know two families where the GPS treat the SDGC exactly the same as the GDC but in both cases the birth father is not involved at all and there is no contact with any of his family.

KPops22 · 13/07/2023 08:36

Who wants to take 4 kids out when you could have 2 little ones? 😂

WhatTheDuc · 13/07/2023 08:39

No, not necessarily but family dynamics come in to it. Step children who have no contact with one side of their family are totally different to step children who have 50/50 contact with both their parents and their extended family.

Zepherine · 13/07/2023 08:40

I don’t know who is voting the OP is unreasonable. They are children, young children at that, and I would treat each child the same. Why wouldn’t you.

WimpoleHat · 13/07/2023 08:42

I don't think it means they have to take along two children they don't have much of a relationship with every time.

Of course, the other side of the coin is that the kids are with you because they are there to spend time with their dad. Not the parents of their dad’s wife. What does their mother think about it? It’s a totally different ball game taking out kids where you don’t know the parents - and, in this case, the GPs presumably don’t know their mum at all. And their mum might well not be keen that her kids are out for the day with people she doesn’t know…..when they’re supposed to be spending time with their dad. It really can be a minefield….

PrayerFactory · 13/07/2023 08:43

Zepherine · 13/07/2023 08:40

I don’t know who is voting the OP is unreasonable. They are children, young children at that, and I would treat each child the same. Why wouldn’t you.

All kinds of reasons, many listed on the thread.

Zepherine · 13/07/2023 08:44

PrayerFactory · 13/07/2023 08:43

All kinds of reasons, many listed on the thread.

Show quote history

It was a rhetorical question.

ShippingNews · 13/07/2023 08:44

I'm a grandmother and no. My son's partner had a 10 year old daughter when they got together - I'm friendly and kind towards her but I'm not related to her. She has a father , and grandparents, and other extended family who see her often and spoil her like you'd expect family to - I don't believe that I should be expected to treat her like I'm also related to her .

At birthdays and Christmas I give a decent gift, and considering how much she gets in total, she does better than my biological grandchildren. I haven't put her in my will - once again she is well looked after in that regard.

aSofaNearYou · 13/07/2023 08:45

It was a rhetorical question.

But one that has an answer!

greenspaces4peace · 13/07/2023 08:50

No, they have a whole other set of grandparents? Would the ex’s biological GP give to the unrelated siblings?

Original poster
Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 08:50

But yeah I think inviting two children in a household to go out for ice cream is a bit .. well, I wouldn't really like that person very much, put it that way.

That was a hypothetical example by the way, not something that's even happened.

Basically if they were all there then yes they'd buy them an ice cream too. If they were going out though they wouldn't feel the need to take all of them.

OP posts:
sweepleall · 13/07/2023 08:54

Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 08:50

But yeah I think inviting two children in a household to go out for ice cream is a bit .. well, I wouldn't really like that person very much, put it that way.

That was a hypothetical example by the way, not something that's even happened.

Basically if they were all there then yes they'd buy them an ice cream too. If they were going out though they wouldn't feel the need to take all of them.

It's not about need, I was fully aware that I didn't need to take my niece's friend out for ice cream and that I was within my rights not to. But I wouldn't split up a group of children and take only some out because it doesn't feel like a nice thing to do. I wouldn't have for a big outing but for a round the block for ice cream type thing, I think it's petty to exclude children I am not biologically related to. Though actually they are my nieces by marriage anyway

Greenfree · 13/07/2023 08:55

I have limited experience of this but my DP's family have only met my DD once and they always make an effort with gifts etc and want us both to come away with them next year on a family holiday. They bought her Xmas present before they had even met her and bring her gifts back from holidays etc. If they lived closer to me they would definitely have seen her more. I'm not really sure what kind of relationship I expected them to have as this is my first DP since my divorce and I waited 6 months to introduce DD to DP. I think if we had our own DC they would treat my DD the same. She would be sad if her she was there and her half sibling was getting taken out etc (she's 7), I don't think she'll care when she's a teen

Indigotree · 13/07/2023 08:57

Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 07:29

In my own personal example, relationship has been 8 years, children were then 5 and 7 and there is now two joint children who are 3 and 1.

I would definitely expect it in that situation. Not expect as in they have to, although it would certainly be cruel to treat the younger two children differently. More expect as in I would certainly want to welcome my child's/sibling's partner's children as family and would be excited about having step grandchildren/nephews & nieces. I find it hard to imagine why anyone wouldn't, unless perhaps they rarely see the family — if the children aren't at family gatherings, etc. — or don't get on with either their family member or the partner. In that case it might simply be that they're not really aware that you're a family. Lack of communication perhaps.

Jarstastic · 13/07/2023 08:58

What would you do if you and your partner split up? Would you still make an effort to keep a relationship for those children, or only the children you have together?

I’ve been in a situation where I had two nephews that I treated exactly the same as the ‘actual’ ones. (And I was always generous with all their presents). Their mum even would say that. However, as soon as she split up with the man in the family, we never saw them again. We were nothing to them in her eyes.

thecrispfiend · 13/07/2023 09:07

One thing people haven't taken into account is if there are older biological grandchildren and partner has got with someone with younger kids. This is the case in my wider family - single parent who has met someone with younger kids. In this single parents case (mum abandoned the kids and left with their dad) the grandparents have been like a second parent. Suddenly kids have to share dad and grandparents with another 3 kids! So while we are welcoming and buy Christmas and birthday gifts for new partners kids we are aware that by having them over too often it affects older bio grandchildren and you can see some jealousy and tension ("theyre my grandparents"sort of thing!) it's a difficult line to tread in this instance being welcoming but being mindful of needs of bio grandchildren too

WimpoleHat · 13/07/2023 09:07

relationship has been 8 years, children were then 5 and 7 and there is now two joint children who are 3 and 1.

I think I may have misread this looking at a recent quote! So your kids (your parents’ GC) are 3 and 1 and your DSCs are 13 and 15 (not 5 and 7 now)? In this case, it’s completely and totally different - not least because two teens probably won’t want to spend the day with two toddlers and their dad’s wife’s mum and dad!

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/07/2023 09:08

His children come to see him, wouldn’t it be odd to go out with their dad’s partner’s parents instead? If your parents took the little ones out the big ones get quality time with their dad - a good thing.

blacknredsweeties · 13/07/2023 09:09

No