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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you expect your partners family to treat your children like family?

122 replies

Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 07:23

If you're with a partner or spouse who isn't your children's parent, would you expect their family to treat your children from a previous relationship the same as other children in the family who are related to them?

I.e. same presents at Christmas, same interest in their hobbies, schooling, lives in general, same offers of childcare ect.

Not specified which side of this I'm on as wanted unbiased opinions if possible.

YABU - No its fine for them to treat children related to them differently to children who are not.

YANBU - Yes I would expect it.

OP posts:
Neolara · 13/07/2023 07:26

I think it probably depends how old the kids were when they came into their lives. Also, how often they see them.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 13/07/2023 07:26

I think it depends on length of relationship and age of children, if you've been together 6 months with a 17yo DC then no not really, obviously be welcoming and friendly but there's no real relationship there.

If you've been together 10 yrs and the DC were little so you've seen them grow, they've known you and been part of your life then yes.

ReaIIyThough · 13/07/2023 07:27

Context is relevant here. How old are all of the children (related and not), how long has the person been with their partner?

Totaly · 13/07/2023 07:27

Depends on family culture

Our family would
DH family wouldn’t

LobsterCrab · 13/07/2023 07:28

My parents treat my brother's DSD like their other grandchildren. But I have voted YABU because I think it's something that's nice rather than something to be expected.

Jigslaw · 13/07/2023 07:29

No, although you'd hope they'd be civil towards them they aren't really anything to do with them. Appreciate it does get more complex if there are half siblings involved who would get presents at Xmas etc in front of them I suppose.

Beautifulsunflowers · 13/07/2023 07:29

I was overwhelmingly surprised when my partners family bought my older dcs presents for Christmas and even now a few years in I’m still so grateful they are kind and generous.

Original poster
Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 07:29

In my own personal example, relationship has been 8 years, children were then 5 and 7 and there is now two joint children who are 3 and 1.

OP posts:
RagzRebooted · 13/07/2023 07:30

No, because they aren't and you can't force a bond that isn't there. For some, family is very much about blood. For others, even blood related doesn't mean much.
Eventually, after years and years in the family and when they have siblings who are actually related, then I would expect them to treat them like family, especially when they're around as it would be wierd otherwise.

My step family always have treated me much better than my bio father's family and no different to my step cousins and half siblings but it's a very big family and it kind of feels like one more didn't make much difference! I'm forever grateful to them, but I don't think it should be expected.

StephanieSuperpowers · 13/07/2023 07:31

Christmas? Yes.

Inheritance? No.

LaraPeople · 13/07/2023 07:31

Also depends if the new couple have a child / children together? It would be mean to, say, give the new child a present at Christmas but not the older half siblings.

Doingmybest12 · 13/07/2023 07:32

There are too many variables , including what relationship do you want to build and what would any children wish for?

Azaeleasinbloom · 13/07/2023 07:32

In your circumstance, my DM would have accepted them all as family even if not related by blood; my MIL would not be able to do that. She made that very clear when BIL was in a relationship with a single mum.

Newphony · 13/07/2023 07:33

No, quite often biological aunties and uncles make no effort, and we are told on mumsnet over and over again that is fine and their right, and to expect anything is grabby and entitled. So by that logic no one should do anything for anyone.

ReaIIyThough · 13/07/2023 07:34

So are the children now 15, 13, 3 and 1?

I would treat them all the same, but I imagine there could be a bit more fuss over the little ones given that the other 2 are older if I have the ages right. Even so, in this example I would treat them all the same.

PuttingDownRoots · 13/07/2023 07:35

Treat them with respect but not necessarily exactly the same.

For example... buying two children an ice cream and not the third is shitty.
But inviting your biological grandchildren to stay for a few days in the school holidays while stepgranchild visits own grandparents is ok.

Original poster
Yellowpetalrose · 13/07/2023 07:36

LaraPeople · 13/07/2023 07:31

Also depends if the new couple have a child / children together? It would be mean to, say, give the new child a present at Christmas but not the older half siblings.

Would you think it would need to be to the same cost roughly or amount of gifts though?

OP posts:
Toooldtoworry · 13/07/2023 07:36

Birthday/Christmas yes

Inheritance no

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 13/07/2023 07:37

No, not really. We did when a brother's wife had a child from a previous marriage, eggs at Easter, Birthday and Christmas gifts etc, but obviously when they divorced we didn't see the child again. The same money wouldn't have been spent - bonds, savings etc, but gifts were given and time spent.

IfYouDontAsk · 13/07/2023 07:38

I don’t think it’s that simple. The relationship is eight years but presumably the partner didn’t meet the children straight away and then I’m assuming there was a further time lag between the partner’s family meeting the children?

I think as a PP said, you can’t force bonds that aren’t there. I’d expect them to treat the children with kindness, absolutely, but I don’t think that has to extend as far as treating those children as though they are their grandchildren.

Aria2015 · 13/07/2023 07:38

Probably not at those ages unless they launched themselves into a very involved relationship when they first met them. Although I'd expect them to include them at Christmas and other occasions. But I wouldn't expect the same level of interest and definitely not inheritance. Also if they have grandparents from their father's side that see them etc... that factors in.

Simplest way to put it. However they treated them before their biological grandchildren were born, i'd expect that to continue to treat them that way after the bio grandchildren came along.

Toooldtoworry · 13/07/2023 07:38

My ex husbands family did not acknowledge my DS from a previous relationship for birthday and Xmas but doted on their bio granddaughter. It wasn't the reason he was an ex but his family suck. They treat all non bio grandkids like that.

CornishGem1975 · 13/07/2023 07:38

No I wouldn't. My inlaws buy my children presents for their birthday and Christmas but they certainly don't treat them like their own grandchildren and I wouldn't expect them to.

MmmALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 13/07/2023 07:40

Gift value/amount would depend on the family dynamics. I see a set of nephews weekly, yet another set maybe three times a year. I always put thought into the gifts but the ones I see more definitely get a few extras.
I don't think so much value matters, but the thought that has gone into it. My step parents never quite gave me what they gave to their own, I totally understood why too and was absolutely fine with it.

WaitingForNothingGood · 13/07/2023 07:40

"Would you think it would need to be to the same cost roughly or amount of gifts though"

No. Not unless they were adopted.