If you are with a man who took on your child as his own?

[sighu]

I really would like a relationship and perhaps even more children, but I’m already 37 and have one dc (3). I can’t imagine meeting someone who will be a family with me and dc? I can’t imagine someone embracing that or even wanting it. It’s so often referred to as baggage isn’t it. And obviously I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t treat ds like their own. Are there men out there like this? If so where did you find them? I feel I am destined to be on my own now. I hate the lack of connection with another adult in a romantic loving way.

I'm not saying mothers shouldn't have new relationships. I'm saying that mothers shouldn't encourage their children to view an unrelated man as their father because it leaves their children extremely vulnerable to lasting emotional damage.

It's unrealistic to ask a man to promise that he'll treat an unrelated child exactly the same as a biological child he hasn't had yet, because until that child arrives he has no notion of whether he can fulfill that promise. And neither does anyone else.

The logic of "but their biological dad might be crap" just doesn't hold up. We don't (or shouldn't) take unnecessary risks for our kids surrounding one particular issue just because there are other, unrelated, risks we can't mitigate. I definitely don't agree that it's equally as likely that a child's actual father will "fuck them over" as a man who isn't related to them, who just happens to be their mother's romantic partner. A biological father generally retains parental responsibility in the case of divorce for a start, whereas a stepfather may very well just walk out of that child's life. Don't the stats say that something like 65% of second marriages end in divorce? It's no small possibility. But of course nobody thinks it will happen to them.

I'm sure a well-managed step-father/step-child relationship can be a positive thing (not that I've actually ever seen a truly successful "blended family" personally), but it's not a parent/child relationship and I absolutely maintain that it's reckless and selfish to tell a child that an unrelated man is a father to them simply because it suits a romantic ideal for the adults involved.

DH is stepdad to my two DC (19 and 15). We've been together almost 10 years (just met in a local pub and met through a mutual friend) but he didn't meet the kids straight away. He did admit to me that he never saw himself being with someone with kids but as soon as we met we had an amazing connection and he didn't mind that I had kids and was happy for me to pick when he met them etc and even said if the kids didn't like him then he understood that they had to come first for me. He still knows that and we've now been married for 5 years.

He's never tried to be their dad. Until covid they saw their dad regularly and then his home situation meant he couldn't see them as much and he's now moved further away and hasn't actually seen them since sometime last year now. He's still their dad despite this and no matter what I think of his lack of contact with them.

However DH has been there in a parenting role, especially over the last few years when their dad didn't see them as much. We have had a lot of various mental health issues with DC2 and DH was amazing at speaking to the school and doctor at times when I couldn't and tbh he's probably pushier than I am at getting things like that done. It's something he and DC have been happy with though, not something I forced either into.

This year both DC drew cards for him (something they've always loved doing) for Father's Day and instead of writing "Stepfather's Day" they left off the "step" for the first time ever. At no time did I ever ask or expect the kids to do that or even to call him Dad or anything like that, they've always known him by his first name, although DC1 has referred to him as her dad to some people at her work.

IMO if you meet the right person then it'll work, but I would never expect someone new to be immediately thrust into a parenting position and would certainly never force it. Your priority should always be your DC, I see too many people rush into relationships and immediately introduce the kids and expect the new man to be called Dad which I think is almost always a recipe for disaster further down the line.

You can't promise a relationship with a child if a couple splits, biological or not

People are not robots where promising a decision now will be the same in the future whether that is staying in contact or going on to have more children or not

It’s good that you seem to be fairly sure in what you need in a relationship, just remember its better to be single than it is to settle.

I met my husband when my son was three, he adopted him when he was seven.

It's very hard for men to treat a child as their own. In fact about 50 children a year are killed and countless tortured by, step parents mostly, in the UK. I'd never take the risk by taking a stranger to my child in my home no matter how much I fancied him, as I love my child more. Of course all generalisations etc... So op, these things have been discussed countless times here on MN, after child murders especially. You can have relationships without living together. Unfortunately it's a bitter pill to swallow...

The father of my 3 sons came on the scene when my DD was 3. Her Dad was very much in her life and was remarried. DD was loved by all concerned, treated as a child of the family and equally by all the adults. When she turned 25 last year in attendance and enjoying ourselves was me, her father, my husband, my ex (the boys dad) and wife, her fathers new girlfriend, her fathers ex wife and her fella, multiple grandparent type figures, step siblings/bio siblings. We are all joined in love for her. Taking a child on ‘as their own’ isn’t exactly how it went. We all love her for herself and are proud to be parents and trusted adults in her life.

That is so lovely