If you are with a man who took on your child as his own?

[sighu]

I really would like a relationship and perhaps even more children, but I’m already 37 and have one dc (3). I can’t imagine meeting someone who will be a family with me and dc? I can’t imagine someone embracing that or even wanting it. It’s so often referred to as baggage isn’t it. And obviously I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t treat ds like their own. Are there men out there like this? If so where did you find them? I feel I am destined to be on my own now. I hate the lack of connection with another adult in a romantic loving way.

What do you mean exactly by taken them on as their own? Can you imagine loving someone else’s child as much as you love your own?

Does your child see their dad?

Loads of people with kids meet new partners. You can have a relationship which doesn’t involve your child.

Plenty go on to have children together and blend.

If you want a man who doesn’t have kids but who’ll behave as a dad to your DC and then have a child with you it’s worth thinking about what you want that to look like.

My DP considers my DD to be a privilege that came with our relationship, not baggage. I wouldn’t be with anyone who didn’t.

That said – DD’s dad/ my DH is dead which I do think makes a difference. If things continue to work he will be a father figure to her. Maybe that makes it easier for him to love her.

I met my fiancé 2.5 years ago, we now live together with my two youngest boys (12 and 16). He doesn't have kids, he takes care of them as if they are his own.

It's had its troubles. Imagine suddenly moving in with teenagers 😂 they all get along fine. He takes my youngest to his football training, he go halves with me for Xmas and birthday presents. He is their step dad. They still have a good relationship with their father though!

My second husband doesn’t see my children as his own. And frankly - I wouldn’t want him to. He’s like a super supportive lovely uncle. Here for the fun stuff, a huge support to them - but all the parenting is with me. Just how I want it. No arguments about parenting decisions - not even negotiations without arguing - that’s my job. He’s great for advice though. He loves my children, and cares about them… but not as much as he does his own (now adults). And that’s the same for me - I don’t love his kids like I love mine. Perfectly natural. I didn’t raise them incidentally, we met when they were mid / late teens and had no intention of forcing an unwanted blended family on them. We all get on brilliantly, there is love and laughter - our children are bonus not baggage. But… neither of us expected or wanted to think of them “like our own”. I think most people who say that are kidding themselves.

My husband took on 3 kids of mine. Which was a shock to the system with a teen and primary school and a toddler. We now have a baby. He treats them all the same.

With all due respect, don't try and look for a man that will take on your child as their own. I had a stepdad and would have HATED it if he tried to act like my dad.

This, all of this.

Would you do the same? Date a single dad and take his kids on as your own?

I hate to bring a negative example but have to be honest. For 6 years my friend would have said said her husband did exactly this, things seemed wonderful and he was a great father to her DD.

Until he left them for a younger woman when the DD was 13 and despite years of being a father figure, rapidly tailed off all contact and suddenly wasnt bothered any more.

Heartbreaking for a child who has formed a strong bond.

Not me but MIL. Her first husband was abusive and left her and my now DH when he was a baby. She met her currently husband when DH was 11. He had no children from previous relationships and adopted him as his own and cared for them both since. He is a lovely man. Convinced DH when he found out they supported the same football team (typical!)

Found mine on tinder of all places!

the first time they met I watched him wipe her snotty nose, help her cut up her food and pull her dress down to stop her flashing her pants to the whole restaurant. Knew he was a keeper.

she was 3 when we got together, just turned 4 when we met. She asked to call him dad when she was 7. He proposed to us both when she was 8. Changed her name to his by deed pool when she was 9. He was there for her first day of school and every milestone after that.

She’s 12 now and treats him with the typical teenage disdain she does me so I assume she sees him as dad

Good, kind, loving men do exist OP. My DH has raised my DD as his own for 20 years. He's the only dad she's known and he takes that very seriously.

My best friend - her dad loves her to bits but is flighty, absent, rocks up occasionally. Left to live abroad when she was 6 and her sister 8.

Her mum married when she was 9 and her sister 11. Their SD isn’t ‘dad’, he’s <name>. But their dad was the man who turned up after 6 months abroad with gifts. Their SD is the one who picked them up from parties, nagged them about homework, helped them buy their mum’s presents etc.

When they both got married they had their dad do the speech (much more his thing) but step dad gave them away. Very symbolic.

BF’s mum and stepdad have been married 25 years now. Still very happy.

My husband came into my life while my children were still quite young, meeting them at 4 and 2 after we knew each other well. I was 34 when I met him. He has two step parents of his own (i didnt have previous experience of divorce or steps so in that way hes actually been really useful!) and actually has been great with all of the odd moments and day to day of supporting my eldest two in their relationship with their dad and his family (and the dads girlfriends and all sorts of stuff). We are 12 years in now and I'd say we aren't perfect as a blended family but the older two recognise my husband's input. They've wanted him there for the fun stuff and the dentists appointments and awards over the years and they definitely treat him as a dad in their life.

People adopt kids all the time, step parents might not go through the legal side of adoption (though some do) but yes, people definitely develop great parental roles willingly.

Dc is now an adult and was three when we met. Dad out the picture. Definitely treats them as his own, adopted them, forgets regularly eg when medical history/people comment how they look alike etc.

We were friends for years before, so that helped I think.
Not sure I'd have been brave enough to actively seek a partner after the shitehawks I'd previously been involved with.
DC prefers spending time with stepdad to dad, but loves them both. DH loves my DC the same amount he loves our DC, just in a different way and he's honest about it. He loves his birth kids because they're apart of him and he's been their dad forever. He loves my DC for who he is as a person and if I'm honest, he much prefers the company of my DC to our others because they've much more interests in common and they enjoy talking about their similar interests.
We've never had a problem really, but as I say, friends for years prior. My DC didn't see his dad for a while so DH was his most constant male figure.
Also when I say "my dc" that's just for clarity. DH never says my DC is his stepson, he just says "our eldest".
And DS calls him his dad when talking about him, but he doesn't call him dad when talking to him, but does write it in cards which has never been pushed or encouraged, but he always chose to.

@OneFrenchEgg my eldest looks more like DH than he looks like either me or his dad. 😂

My dad took me on, there were circumstances I won't go into but my mother was on her own with me back in the days when that that was quite unusual and probably frowned upon by society in general. He adopted me, and he and my mother went on to have other children; my dad makes no distinction whatsoever between his children, bio or adopted. This is all anecdotal but just to say it's not uncommon and there are some wonderful men out there who would see the child as an extension of you and love him too. Well that was my mum's experience anyway.

I had dc when i met dh. We now have 1 dc together.. All treated the same.

And obviously I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t treat ds like their own

Why? As long as they treated him well why would you expect anyone to act like your child was their own? Its not a reasonable expectation.

You absolutely could find someone lovely, who cares about you and your child, treats you both well and enhances your lives im sure. But if you're looking for someone to become your sons dad basically then it's a bit much imo.

I mean I have DC and I couldn't ever imagine loving another child like them, ever.

I remember you peach. I'm so pleased to hear you're doing ok and happy x

My partner has 4 kids but not really. He wasn't with his first daughters mum officially but supported her with her pregnancy and has always been active in her life (almost 11) his second baby mama and him had their DD9 and again always been hands on. They split and the next year she had her other DD8 nothing to do with my partner but she had a bad stage of depression so his DD went to live with him but the other baby's dad wasn't in the picture and there was nobody else to take her so he did. He had always spent time with her when he used to pick up his DD and he always felt bad she wasn't coming with them when he would take his own DD. She's now 8 and calls him dad. Has her and his 2 bio kids every weekend Friday-Monday. His last ex he was with for 8 years and took her son on too as his dad killed himself and my partner lost his mum at 12 so kind of knew the feeling of losing a parent. He also stays over some weekends still too. I found it a bit over helming at first but when you look at the bigger picture for me it goes to show what kind of person he is and the heart he has. X

I think you will be fine. One child isn’t a big deal.

But be honest. Because you’re a mum and not a dad, you actually do come with less baggage just for that.

I think a lot of single dads just have complications and quite often red flags written all over them in a way that single mums don’t. And his baggage is a whole lot heavier quite often because of who he is and who his ex is. I hate to generalise but I’ve seen too many threads on here over the years and don’t fancy taking my chances of meeting one of them myself.

I don't like other kids. I could never look at someone else's child as my own.

It depends whether the biological dad is in the picture. Plus if you ever split legally he doesn't have to provide / keep in contact with your child.