If you are with a man who took on your child as his own?

[sighu]

I really would like a relationship and perhaps even more children, but I’m already 37 and have one dc (3). I can’t imagine meeting someone who will be a family with me and dc? I can’t imagine someone embracing that or even wanting it. It’s so often referred to as baggage isn’t it. And obviously I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t treat ds like their own. Are there men out there like this? If so where did you find them? I feel I am destined to be on my own now. I hate the lack of connection with another adult in a romantic loving way.

It happened to be, met on a dating app. DD never ever saw her dad at the time, there was an empty spot and he stepped up. Feel very lucky. Not easy but it does happen!

I was on my own with dd, who was 4 , when I met dp through friends. We have also
had two dc together. Dd,s bio Dad hasn’t seen her since she was 4 , which was his decision, dp has done everything with dd , nagging about revision, talking to her about travelling etc .

I haven't read all the replies so I do apologise if I'm repeating anything.

I'm three years into a relationship with my partner who lives with me and my two sons. I had separated from their dad 18 months before I met current partner.

Like you, I wanted a relationship and felt like the children were considered by some as baggage. My view at the time was that I'd really rather not have any more children of my own but was more than happy to be a step mum to someone else's, since that was what I was expecting someone to do for mine.

I was using dating apps, tinder and hinge. I was open about the fact that I had children but made a point of saying their father was involved, saw them regularly etc. I went out of my way to match with single dads as I figured they'd be less put off by my children. I think I even had a jokey line like "single dads encouraged to apply."

To be honest I didn't really struggle to find matches. I guess by being open and honest about having kids in the first place, those for who it was an issue just swiped by. Only once did I match with a guy who hadnt read my profile properly and he (reasonably politely) backed out because it wasn't for him

For context (and I think this was important ) I was 32 nearly 33 and had my age setting looking for someone 30-40.

Eventually my current partner popped up on hinge with its algorithm saying it thought he and I were compatible. I was disappointed to see he had no children but matched anyway. He was 34. He had no children. We met up and the rest is history.

In terms of "taking them on as his own" I guess it depends what you mean and how involved your child's dad is. Now my partner lives with us in a house we own 50-50. He pays half of all household bills and food shopping so I guess he has some financial contribution to my kids in that respect but I pay all childcare, dinner money, swimming lessons, new clothes etc. When we go on holiday I tend to pay for me and the children and he pays for himself. On odd days out he generally offers to pay half for the four of us rather than just his quarter. I do all school runs and take them to football practice etc but that's mainly because it's in the right direction for my work. When I need to work late or whatever he will do it if I need. If I want to go out running or to the gym or to the shops or four dinner with my mates, he is happy to look after them at home if he is free. I try not to take advantage and tell him regularly how grateful I am.

My children are at their dads two nights a week so we have just us time.

I feel very lucky and have asked him before about why he chose to take us all on. His answer is that he was well into his thirties looking for a partner and realistically if you're looking to go out with a woman in her thirties, there's a reasonable chance that she has had children from a previous relationship. He just took it as a likely thing, not baggage or a negative, just a fairly likely thing. He says he has no desire to have his own children but loves that he can be a positive influence on mine. He loves them very much.

They do exist!

I think you are being unrealistic in hoping that anyone would see somebody else’s child as being their own, I mean could you? I think the best you can wish for is that you find somebody that accepts and is good to your child.

An anecdote, but my close friend had a baby after a fling, she met somebody else when baby was six months, they went on to get married and spent twenty five years together and had a child together too. Then they split up and he has had nothing further to do with the first child, who he even adopted.

Oh @peachgreen I remember when you lost DH, we exchanged messages (I had a different name, my DH also died when kids tiny).

So glad you're happy with someone

Thank you @HopelessEstateAgents, that’s so kind. And thank you for your kindness back then too. I hope life is being better to you x

I think these kind of men are few and far between, yes they are out there but it wouldn’t be something I would go looking for or expect from a man.
my dc are older now, I left their dad when they were 9 and 11, I would never look for anyone to take them on as their own, they are my responsibility. I also wouldn’t want to take anyone else dc on as my own, I have been a step parent and I didn’t feel the same about them as my own dc and it wasn’t easy being a step parent.

Well you're not a saviour but you are doing them a favour, yes. I think people need to be realistic about that and stop assuming it's a privilege that the step parent should be grateful for.

I don't think it's impossible to find what you're looking for OP but don't go into it assuming everyone should feel that way and trying to force it/guilt every man you meet into seeing your child as their own because you feel that's how it should be. Many will not feel that way and that's perfectly natural, don't drag it out, just move on if you require that.

Your other alternatives are to date but live separately, or to date a man with kids of his own so things are more equitable, or to have another baby on your own if that's the priority.

My DH took on my two age 3 and 2. Then we went on to have 2 more. The eldest two never knew their dad growing up so he's all they know. They adore him and he them. They are 25 and 24 now and last night we slept with our 3yo grandson between us for our first sleep over. We lay there whispering about how amazing it was being grand parents, he really is a an excellent grandad. And these days he's probably closer to my our eldest than I am, they have always had a very close bond and have called him dad since we got married and he got a residency order and charged their names via the courts. He would have adopted them but their biological father refused even though he knew he would never see them again. But thankfully the cuourts gave them our married name so we were a proper family on paper . People are always amazed when I say we are a blended family and we've had several people assume I'm their step mum 😂🤷🏼‍♀️

I met mine online, I was very open and honest from day one that I had this two year old at home who was my number one- if he couldn't cope with that, then walk away.

I never expected him to take DS on as his own. As it is, he did and has been the best step dad I could have ever wished for. We also have a son together but you wouldn't know there is any difference between the two boys. I was just very lucky to find him and get told that often!

He's currently supporting DS financially through Uni whilst his Dad is couldn't wait to stop paying. No questions asked, what DS wants/needs he gets. He's so very proud of him

So happy to read some of these posts. Even if it never happens for me, I genuinely feel so much more positive that good and decent people are out there. My ex sadly is an awful, neglectful and nasty piece of work. (And no, he didn’t behave that way prior to my pregnancy!)

I met DP through mutual friends when I was 39. He has a great relationship with my DC (he doesn't have any of his own.) My DD doesn't have any contact with her biological father so she has a particularly close relationship with DP, he's brilliant with her & I couldn't ask for anymore.

My dp is step dad to my older daughter (her dad suffered a brain injury) we got together when she was 5 and she's 8 now. We also have a baby together. Their relationship isn't father/daughter but it is lovely and special and exactly the way they both want it. The only issues we have is that I am very much her default parent and am the one who tells her off etc and sometimes I would like him to step in more but, it's never been that way between them and you can't force things to be a way that hasn't organically grown. I think the most he's ever done discipline wise is tell her to have 3 more mouthfuls at dinner 🤣.

I don't think you will find someone who will become your child's father but you will find someone who is willing to be a special person in your child's life and it work for your family.

one of my favorite teachers was a widow with five children when she met and married another teacher who indeed became their father 👨i n every sense of the word. Yes you should expect that frim anyone you were with.

Woah Asofanearyou! Should women be grateful men put up with them at all because being with another person is so much trouble and infringes on the right to be perfectly selfish at all times? Mothers and children are a package deal—as are fathers and children ideally. The children aren’t pets you tolerate so you can have sex with the owner.

I think of people were describing themselves and their role as a stepmother in the terms people are using to discuss stepfathers here, there’d be outrage. The sense of replacing fathers in children’s lives that comes across in many posts would not be well received if it were mothers rather than fathers.

We're plainly not going to agree. Like it or not when you come with kids, they are doing you a huge favour by putting in the effort that renders necessary. Yes you are a package deal but that package is more complicated and difficult than a conventional one that doesn't include children. I don't think there should be anything controversial about acknowledging that, and would do so about someone "taking on" my kids. Hopefully they will enjoy it, and they will likely need to for the relationship to work, but that doesn't change the fact that they've done a huge amount for me by taking it on.

I don't have a lot of time or patience for precious and defensive parents that expect people to be grateful for the honour of looking after their kids.

I met my DH when DS was 3. He took him on as his own and we went on to have DD as well.

It was a blind date set up by my cousins husband!

As most have probably said - don’t expect this of another man, but it can happen naturally - everyone’s situation is different

My sisters first marriage ended when she was pregnant with her second child (son)
Her first husband visited the first child (daughter) probably twice, and was not seen again

She had another son with her second husband
Throughout their relationship he treated the first two as children would be & had no difference between them

The daughter announced on her birthday that she had legally changed her name to his, and then applied for her first passport as she had deliberately avoided doing so in her birth fathers name

They have since divorced, all of the children are now adults and parents.
He remains the father to all three and grandfather of their children

My DH met my eldest kids when they were 2 and 4. We have another 2 children now and my eldest are in secondary school. He treats them all the same. Some people have been shocked after knowing us for years to realise he isn't the eldest's bio dad.

a friend of mine actully was like this with his ex's dd. the relationship started when the dd was just an infant and he was so in love with her after a while. he innitially really loved the mother, but in the end when the relationship didn't work out, he missed being a dad to the dd more. tbh he was a way better dad than most of the birth dads mentioned here on mn

Honestly it's completely selfish and reckless to allow your child to consider a new partner/husband to be "like a father" to them. What happens when you split up, as is the case in the majority of second marriages, and this "like a father" just disappears from your child's life? Or he still wants to be involved but you aren't up for sending your child for visitation with your ex boyfriend and his new girlfriend? What happens when you do have another child and suddenly this hypothetical man realises "oh hang on, this is what it feels like to be a dad" and can't fulfill a silly promise to love your child as much as his own? So many pitfalls and the person at risk of hurt in every scenario is your child.

Kids aren't little props to validate your love life. You had your children in the circumstances you had them in. You can't rewrite history now and play make believe that they are someone else's. If you decide to start a new relationship, involving your child should be something that comes way down the line. And then you need to be realistic and honest about the role that's appropriate for that person to play in your child's life, for your child's sake.

So what exactly is the alternative @BalletBob? Bereaved kids like mine never get to have a father figure again? Widowed and divorced women don’t get to have a full relationship until their children are adults?

I can only speak for myself and I’m sure not everyone takes it as seriously as I did, but I didn’t introduce DP and DD until I was very certain about him AND was certain that I would value his input into her life regardless of what happened in our relationship (i.e. I would happily continue to facilitate their relationship if we ever split up). I communicated this to him clearly so he understood what would be expected of him should they ever reach that level of relationship, and he agreed. We won’t live together until DD is old enough to be part of the decision to do so. And I have also made it very clear that I won’t have a child with him biologically until he and DD’s relationship is secure, solid and I’m confident that she won’t be second best – and if that doesn’t happen in time, we won’t have a child. I’ve done as much as I can to make sure she doesn’t get hurt. It’s not foolproof – but nothing is. You no more know that your kids’ biological father won’t fuck them over than you do a stepfather.

My DP moved in with me and DS (who sees his Dad 3 days a week). Maybe we would have had children but we are both too old now.

DP and DS get on amazingly and I'm sure he's very similar around him as he was with his two (grown up now) DS's when they were little.

DS knows that his Dad is his Dad and DP is my partner.

OP go on the Stepparent board and read about lived experiences of blended families. You’d have to be utterly bonkers to want that kind of life.

To me men who ‘take on kids of their own’ and men who meet a single mum when her DC is very young and effectively everyone makes out they’re the dad. I’m alarmed by how many people I know who’ve done this, and I’ve seen what it does to a child when they find out. That is an even LESS attractive prospect