If you are with a man who took on your child as his own?

[sighu]

I really would like a relationship and perhaps even more children, but I’m already 37 and have one dc (3). I can’t imagine meeting someone who will be a family with me and dc? I can’t imagine someone embracing that or even wanting it. It’s so often referred to as baggage isn’t it. And obviously I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t treat ds like their own. Are there men out there like this? If so where did you find them? I feel I am destined to be on my own now. I hate the lack of connection with another adult in a romantic loving way.

Yes, there are men out their who are super stepdads. The ones I know who genuinely love their step children like their own have been the ones where the child/ren is young, bio dad has little to no contact and they often go on to have further kids.
You talk about you and your child 'blending' with a man but you don't mention his paternal status. Would you blend with a man who has at least 50 50 custody? Would you love his children as your own? Would you be disappointed if he said actually 3 between us is enough, here share mine?
Then there's the man that doesn't have children. Let's say he's 40 ish. If he's got this far without children it's most likely that's by choice.

So yes, there could be someone for you (both) but the pickings are fewer. Personally I think you'd be better off having a compatible boyfriend than a live in partner that ticks all the practical boxes but you don't truly love him. It might be easy to convince yourself you do if you're needy enough.

I am in the same boat as you, same age, but with a baby! It's nice reading people's stories on here

I hate that phrase “took on” someone else’s kids like they are some saviour doing you a favour!

And of course it is possible to meet someone who will like you for you

My dh took my eldest dc on, we do have a dc together but he treats them the same. If you ask him he has 2 children not just one. He makes (with me) all the parenting decisions and does all the 'dad' stuff. There are men out there who will take on children as there own I am very lucky I have found one. I'm sure you will to.

My absolute most favourite colleague and dearest friend (female and similar age to you with one DC aged 4), got together with another one of our colleagues (male similar age, no DC) a short while ago. They are just such a lovely little unit. They’ve both blossomed, she was having a hard time and was very stressed/tired lost lots of weight. She seems like she floats more in her presence, she’s brighter. He absolutely loves her little boy (to be quite honest her DC is an absolute legend. He’s like a wise old man in a teeny boys body.) he’s taken a flexible working agreement to do activities with him. It’s just delightful.

i hope this little very sweet story helps you feel it’s possible x

Dh has been in my dc's lives since they were 3 & 6.
They are now adults and he continues to be a devoted 'dad' to them both.
He is a far better dad than their actual dad and sadly a lot better than a lot of my friends dh's!

When we first got together, I was very upfront about not wanting to have anymore dc and gave him the option to run for the hills if he had any doubts!

I've seen too many dc (through my job) be absolutely floored/devastated by new siblings arriving and previously devoted stepdads behaving very differently once they have a biological child of their own.

My stepfather came into my life when I was seven. The abuse and neglect started soon after, with my (previously wonderful) mother at first turning a blind eye and later joining in.
Sadly, when an unrelated male lives in a child's house (usually a stepfather, sometimes a lodger), that child is 50 percent more likely to be abused.
As a single mother of a toddler, I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than even entertain the idea of a blended household. I'm happy for those who it's worked out for, but not worth the gamble personally.

@Whattheflipflap This is so so lovely! Thank you, I will genuinely think of this tonight and try and be more positive.

A different take but my ‘stepdad’ met my mum when I was two and he loved me and took me on as his own. I’m in my late twenties and he is my dad, despite not being blood related. So there is hope.

My DH came into our lives when my two were teenagers. They liked him from the off. He has no kids of his own and says he never wanted them so my two being older was perfect ( he isn't keen on small children but saying that he is besotted with our grand children)
The girls are in their late 30s and early 40s now and send him Father's Day cards etc. They love him and I know he loves them. 'Our eldest' was sexually assaulted a few years ago and he was devastated- when the perp was in court DH had to hold it in as he wanted to get at the bloke.
He is a soft touch and is ready with the cheque book or ready to do some DIY. He calls them 'our girls' when talking about them - I know at work they think he is their dad and he quite likes that. The girls talk more to him as he isn't as hot headed as I am - they tell him stuff first so he can gently relay the information to me...

I have been with my partner 15 years and he is a wonderful partner to me and stepdad to my (now adult) daughter. We are both so lucky to have him in our lives, obviously in different ways.
Be choosy OP, but definitely don't lose hope.

Met my husband on tinder when my daughter was 3. She’s nearly 9 now. He has written her into his will, does all the fatherly things like nag her about tidying her room, takes her to clubs, provides for her and just doesn’t treat her any differently than he does our son. He bio dad isn’t around though which makes a big difference. I wouldn’t expect him to have such an involved role if bio dad was still around.

Found mine on Tinder, but he was the only one in 3.5 years that was decent 😂

I had a 16 year old and an 11 year old when I met my fiancé, we now have a beautiful 3 month old baby together too. I didn't meet him until my late 30's, there are 100% amazing men out there, he has stepped up and took on my kids as his own and treats them as his, he goes above and beyond for them, does all the parenting stuff like pick ups and drop offs, takes them out places, spends time with them, makes them dinner etc, looks after them if needed. Their actual dad is useless, he only sees the youngest now a few days a month, the oldest is very much more bonded to my fiancé and doesn't see his dad through his own choice now.

I never thought I would meet someone like him but I did.

Oh and mine didn't have any kids of his own when we met x

I’ve been with my DP for a few years. He gets on well with the DC but no way would I want him to treat them as his own. I’m their parent, I’ve earned my stripes. They are my responsibility, whilst he’s loving and supportive and comes to the school shows etc he is not nor ever will be their parent.

I remember you... really happy for you x

Blended here - a double widowed blend so no other bio parents alive. Have DS, DD, DSD and about to have another baby. We agreed to try and take them on as our own. Can't lie, sometimes it is challenging but we keep working at it and keep trying. I do love DSD, not quite in the same way as DS and DD, but I do care a lot for her and I think DH would say the same, the other way round.

This is really good advice.

Blended families are so common. You might well meet someone who has children of his own and so you’ll both be in the same boat with mutual respect for each other’s circumstances.
The way I like to look at it is, (if you’ve ever owned a dog) did you fall in love with that dog even though it’s a) not related to you b) an entirely different specie to you that doesn’t even talk.
Of course you did! And if millions of people can fall in love with their pet dogs then why on earth would a man not fall in love with your son and want to live with you both happily ever after.
might seem like a silly analogy but spending time with my little adopted dog I got 4 months ago got me thinking about this sort of thing and how easy it is to fall in love if that ‘life’ depends on you. ( and no guys I’m not comparing dogs to children before you all blast me!) 😂

Your expectations of wanting someone to love your DS as their own may not be met. I couldn't seeing myself loving any DC in the same way I love my own; they're a part of me in a way that no DSC could be.

I've recently joined Tinder, and there are lots of lovely men on there, I'm talking to a couple now, neither of whom seem phased that I have DC and a tricky ex. A lot of them in the age range I've selected (40-50) mention having their own DC, which is helpful.

I'd stop fixating and panicking about what may or may not happen down the line, and get out and dating, if you want to find someone. Personally I'd only ever introduce my DC to someone who I was going to have a serious relationship with, and I'd probably only know the direction things were going in after about a year.

My mum met my step dad when I was 3, on a nursery trip to a local lake/park (my dad was with his niece). 26 years married this year and they had my brother when I was 8 (I also have a stepsister 2 years younger than me)

They were younger, early 20s, but I think being older probably actually helps in terms of men's expectations of you to probably have had previous serious relationships and potential children

It surprises me that people think you can't love step children like your own, because they aren't 'yours' or 'theirs' people adopt children all the time and love them like they do/would their biological children...

That’s so kind @Whattodo112222, thank you. It hasn’t been easy and I still miss DH every single day, achingly so. But DP is a truly lovely, kind, good man who loves me and DD in exactly the sort of steady, unwavering way we need. I have been very lucky to meet him.

And thank you too @HuckingFellHire! sorry, I hadn’t seen your response when I posted.

Its definitely possible and I'm sure you'll find it one day. There are lots of step parents in my family who see the children as their own.