Would you make this public or turn the other cheek?

[openemails]

My ex has persistently lied to people about being a father to our child who is now 3. He was recently in the news (local) for work he has done, loads of comments online and in the press about what a fantastic man he is. His work is linked to something that typically has a strong moral compass and I feel physically sick that he is able to get away with this whilst leaving his child without a father, in arrears on maintenance, albeit is paying what he has to now after being chased by CMS, and who has left me for the last 2.5 years to pay for nursery.

I get that his work has little to do with his private life but as I said his work is very charitable’, without being outing he would be hugely judged for what he has done privately.

I realise this probably sounds like I am invested in him personally/have feelings there but that is very much not the case. I have been absolutely nothing but polite and sensitive towards him over the years in the hope he would take part in our child’s life. After seeing/reading what I have the last week, I am disgusted he can live this secret life. I’m pretty angry tonight and not sure if I am being hasty in wanting to expose him.

YNBU and I would want to call him out too. But it won’t end well for you and your child so rant to your friends, rant to your family. Write texts/emails that you will never send. But don’t rise to any of it.

@Namechanger1002 he’s had chance to be in her life for over three years. What could be made worse by me doing this? I’ve had enough of us being treated like shit behind closed doors.

I would also want to expose him. How to do it is another matter. You need some ideas on how to do it without hurting you or your child.

The only thing that might prevent me from doing it if I was you, is it might cause you some unnecessary hassle. Maybe listen to Karma by Taylor Swift and leave it to the universe 😎

@PattyDuckface How could me or DD be hurt? I am not thinking straight tonight as I’m just so fucking angry. I can’t believe what I’m reading about a man who is so despicable to his own flesh and blood.

Realistically, how many people who don't already know would you reach, though?

Isn't there a risk of it impacting negatively on your child?

I absolutely get that it's galling
But I'm not sure what you'd achieve and you risk making yourself seem bitter and over invested.

Wouldn't it be better to just live your best life?

X posts.

Sorry

I don't know really, some unexpected blowback from being public about it all.
What are you thinking you'd like to do? A social media post or... ?

I had to read about how amazing my poor rapist was, as he was deaf so gained the sympathy vote as well as being good looking and attractive.

@Rogue1001MNer what would the risk be to my child? I genuinely don’t care anymore about the impact on me but I do care about any impact on her. He’s such an awful person. I honestly can’t get over what I’ve seen the last few days. He’s not even told two very close friends about her from what I can see online! Vile.

Oops posted too soon…..

But you honestly won’t gain anything by exposing him online and of anything people will probably think your a crazy jealous lying neurotic ex - as that’s what us women get labelled with!!

@PattyDuckface I was thinking about drafting a simple message asking those who know him to encourage him to start to build a relationship with his daughter. That would inform them of her existence and expose him.

I don’t know. I’m just so angry on her behalf and can’t believe what he’s put me through only to be celebrated like some sort of hero.

@Newusernameaug that is horrendous. I’m so sorry. It’s utterly galling.

@Newusernameaug yep, when in reality if he disappeared off the face of the earth I’d not shed a single tear! Scum.

So he's a deadbeat dad. Lots of us have been in your situation. It's deeply upsetting as well as totally infuriating and unfair.

Sadly, these men rarely get any comeuppance.

I hope he contracts a really terrible STI and his dick falls off.

@AmandaHoldensLips thanks, that gave me a small smile. I guess I just want people to know what he’s really like. Even if it doesn’t make him change his behaviour towards her.

Ahhh what a bastard, totally get your anger. Maybe it's possible and maybe it's deserved.

I am leaning more towards just state the facts and call him out and then move on. Do it when not angry though.

Do you want him involved with h
Your dd if he is so awful ? Do you want.to be seeing him regulary while he visits your dd ?

@Weedoormatnomore no I don’t feel strongly about it anymore given how consistently awful he’s been. But how dare he live a lie? How dare he pretend he’s not a father, not a deadbeat? He should have to own it.

Tbh, I'm not recommending you do as I would, but I would reply to one of the things you've seen with "and I've always thought the real markings of a great man is in how he treats his children.... he isn't quite so great to his 3 year old daughter who he refuses to spend time with, and only pays for because CMS has made it impossible for him not to. The level of deception is quite worrying, as I too thought he was a stand up man, until I birthed his child"

I'd be furious that he has a reputation for being such a nice person when he's actually a pos

@Tooyoungtofeelthisold i wanted to send something like that directly to those closest to him. I doubt anyone online would care who didn’t know him, if you see what I mean. Fucking hell just can’t believe he has the nerve to lie like that!!

@openemails that's the gamble you could take that he will suddenly pretend to be the dotting father to try and save face. People like that always find a way to bounce back.

You can't force him to have a relationship with her no matter how sad you feel for her and how angry you are on her behalf .

Exposing him may make you feel better but it may also spark a lot of interest in you and your DD. Not all of that interest will be positive. Do you really want to run the risk of being out with DD and random strangers approaching you, berating you, accusing you of lies, all of which could happen. Do you want the parents of DD classmates to discuss her possibily in front of them , which they in turn repeat in school?

@sweeneytoddsrazor i guess as she’s only 3 I thought it was now or never to expose him in terms of what you’ve said there. God I can’t believe I was ever involved with such a piece of shit.

I am a burn my bridges person. It has not served me well. People only see the explosion and not the behaviour that lead to it. I’ve learned from my friend that the better response is to bide your time.

@Windbeneathmybingowings until when or what though? She’s three and he’s done this for years. Sorry I don’t mean to sound defensive I’m just so sad about all this. How can he keep her a secret. He’s such scum.