Would you make this public or turn the other cheek?

[openemails]

My ex has persistently lied to people about being a father to our child who is now 3. He was recently in the news (local) for work he has done, loads of comments online and in the press about what a fantastic man he is. His work is linked to something that typically has a strong moral compass and I feel physically sick that he is able to get away with this whilst leaving his child without a father, in arrears on maintenance, albeit is paying what he has to now after being chased by CMS, and who has left me for the last 2.5 years to pay for nursery.

I get that his work has little to do with his private life but as I said his work is very charitable’, without being outing he would be hugely judged for what he has done privately.

I realise this probably sounds like I am invested in him personally/have feelings there but that is very much not the case. I have been absolutely nothing but polite and sensitive towards him over the years in the hope he would take part in our child’s life. After seeing/reading what I have the last week, I am disgusted he can live this secret life. I’m pretty angry tonight and not sure if I am being hasty in wanting to expose him.

If you let people know he gas a daughter are you prepared for him building a relationship with her? Having him in your life collecting her etc? Because it will be easy for him to convince others that he's being trying to see her for years but you wouldn't allow him, he can lie and exaggerate and you will have no control over it. Will it be a positive for your dd to know him? Think carefully before doing anything, he could use the absence of your dd for the past years as a wonderful sob story and come out smelling of roses, the adoring doting dad who never gave up on seeing his dd and you only gave in when you wanted something, it'll all be bullshit but people love bullshit

@Doggydarling i don’t think he would do that as we have literally reams of texts where I am absolutely lovely and reasonable to him as he tells me he wants to see dd but this has come up , or that has come up and I am reasonable and re arrange. Only for him to do it again. Been the case for a longgg time now.

If you open a can of worms, expect to be greeted by worms!

I understand you feel angry and frustrated but you are going to make a fool of yourself by 'exposing' him and by dragging your daughters name into it.

Men like him are crafty at manipulating others and you will be tarred as being the mad crazy ex.

You also run the risk of him taking revenge against you which could manifest in something terrible for you and your daughter.

He doesn't want to be involved in his daughters life or yours and from the sound of him that's a good thing.

Open that can of worms and he might come back into your lives and insist on taking her away for visitations and you may not be happy with that.

Block him on everything so that you never can look him up and go and live a beautiful life with your daughter.

@Jongleterre what sort of revenge? I just can’t understand how he can be so brazen, I really can’t. It feels psychotic to me. Surely he goes to bed at night feeling pretty messed up.

Yes this. You’re not stating something subjective here -“he’s actually an arse to be in a relationship with”- you’re stating a fact. Ie it’s a shame this man’s charitable nature doesn’t extend to acknowledging and supporting the daughter he’s fathered.

I mean not that, maybe it does sound bitter, but I’m sure you can find a way to say it. And yes maybe even better if can get someone else to post it.

I’ve a friend, not close, more of a friend of a friend. She’s in the same sort of situation as you. She has a child conceived with a man who ignores his child’s existence. Doesn’t pay maintenance. Has no relationship with the child at all.
He slept with two women at the same time and got both pregnant, he chose the other woman and lives with her, plus the child they conceived- they’re a family.

The friend I know, goes out of her way to tell all and sundry about this man, her ex, the cheat, the liar, the awful dad who ignores his son’s existence. How terrible it all is… (and yes it is).

However, nobody much cares. Awful, for the child absolutely! but nobody really cares. He has a trade- he doesn’t lose business. Who knows what people think of him, maybe that he’s scum etc but they still want his services so they turn a blind eye.

I don’t think any good will come if you exposing him. People may be shocked and disgusted but will they show it? Will you feel relief from doing it? What happens after? Will you feel better or worse because it’s unlikely his life will change? You want him to feel ashamed, embarrassed and to suffer. Or do you genuinely want him to have a relationship with your child?
You can’t force him to and it sounds unlikely that he will turn around and say, “oh go on then I’ll pay some maintenance and start seeing her once a week seeings as you’ve told everyone she’s mine and shamed me into it”…. He may even deny it.

I don’t think any good will come if it, I think you’ll be disappointed in the outcome. But what do I know….

OP how he feels at night isn't relevant. He probably doesn't feel anything - as demonstrated by his actions. You are better off with him out of the picture - unless you want him to be involved? Do you? I doubt he will pay you the money you are owed - especially if you shame him.

I understand you wanting some sort of acknowledgement or gratitude or even justice. Realistically you won't get them from him or from his friends.

Your daughter will give you those things if you put your energy into her. I would block and delete and stop thinking about what could or should have been.

Thanks @Missingmyusername i guess in some ways the thought he may one day be found out is actually worse for him than me exposing him and him facing that and then putting it to bed. He’s the sort to be anxious so I expect he does think from time to time that I may say something. Maybe better letting him live with that instead.

I can’t believe all the “turn the other cheek” people on here. There’s no way I’d be protecting his reputation. Bollocks to that!

@Acornsoup i’d like him to just be decent and behave like the majority of people, not like some lowlife scum. I don’t know anyone who treats their children this way and I’m so disappointed in myself for ever being involved with a man like that. I never thought he would do such a thing.

This is great

I would feel the same and want to do the same but unfortunately most of the time when people do this people think it's because they are bitter and it doesn't look good on the person doing the outing. For that reason it would put me off and I wouldn't do it

I’ve calmed down a bit now. I think I felt there wasn’t much to lose given he’s clearly not going to change after three years is he. What an utter scumbag.

Trouble is if you call him out he might start trying to have a relationship with your dd
By the sounds of it she’s better off not knowing him.

Or worse still he might have a current partner (or a future one) that guilts him into contact and you get 2 or more for the price of one. I just wouldn't. Keep your dignity and your peace.

Those closest to him will know. Or at least have an idea and have chosen not to confront him.
I understand the anger, I know where you are coming from. But no good will come of it. Not how you want it to. It’s wrong, it’s unfair. Don’t give anyone an excuse for making you out to be crazy or a woman scorned. That will be his narrative.
Move on. Do better and teach your daughter better. This is a waste of your energy.
if there was a way to call out loser cunt fathers I would have found it by now. There really isn’t. Families and friends close ranks - nobody wants to admit that someone close to them is a cunt because they feel it reflects badly on them and their judgement.
Best thing we can do is pour our energy into raising our children into being better and accepting better.

I can see why you’re furious and feeling bitter about this, but your local papers honestly won’t give a shit about the fact that he’s estranged from his daughter. He’s not a national celebrity and your local papers/regional TV news aren’t The Sun. It simply won’t be of interest to them. And presumably your friends already know.

I feel your pain OP - my amazing DD was treated similarly by her bio father. His friends and colleagues all think he's a great guy but (presumably) don't know about his child (or have been told some horror story about how it's all my fault - lies).

I'd have loved to burn his life down 25 years ago. Now I look at my gorgeous, clever, strong daughter and enjoy watching her wonderful life unfold without him spoiling it for either of us - so far, she's graduated with a first class honours degree and a masters (both from prestigious universities) and is living the dream in a fabulous job that has her travelling the world. Who won do you think?

Men get away with so much if they're not called out on it, and women are reluctant to expose them because of possible repercussions........ the world is broken.
I think your instinct is right in this - to air the truth.
But don't draft a response in haste - just draft a response which tells the simple truth - no identifying details needed. A simple statement of fact without any blame or judgement attached and let people make their own minds up,
He will know what you mean - he's got off scot-free so far and hasn't had to take any responsibility. Sometimes you have to show people that they have to take responsibility.

Be careful what you wish for, OP.

@Medusaismyhero your dd sounds amazing! As do you. How did you navigate her asking after him? I’m worried that will push me over the edge :(

This would infuriate me too.

IMO I think maybe take a week to become less emotional about it and then write an extremely diplomatic post on his social media, if you can, about what he's really like?

I can tell you two sides of this. When our daughter was born her father kept it a secret. He also had thecperfect guy reputation and it was his whole identity When I finally got eaten up by resentment I went so public it was ridiculous. Was it petty? Yes. But it felt so good. Later on he came back in our life and was father of the year for 4 years. Before dropping her again dv and devastating her. Never trust a mama's boy theres a big difference between a good mother son relationship and a mama's boy lol.

This time I didn't bother. And that has felt great too. Living our best life. BUT I have ZERO regrets about what I did the first time by making it super public. Wishing you and DC the best!

By telling her the truth (as appropriate to her age) at all times. Try to keep emotion out of it as much as you can - hard I know! My DD and I have a really open and honest relationship - as an adult, she now knows that her bio dad is a dick.

It doesn't stop her FB stalking him occasionally - that interest is always there. I think it's just curiosity about the unknown really. She's always said she doesn't want a relationship with him but I've been very clear that I'd support her 100% if she changed her mind (though I doubt he'd be interested 🙄). Make it a subject she can ask about anytime and expect honesty from you - you're all she's got and she needs to be able to trust you and know you'll always have her back.

You've got this OP - you clearly have huge love for your DD and your protective instincts are super strong. Channel that all into raising an amazing daughter - make that scumbag regret his choices by being a fantastic parent to your bloody amazing girl. Way more satisfying in the long run!

@Medusaismyhero thank you so much. What did you say when she was 3/4/5? I’m genuinely dreading the day she asks. I feel as an older child I could talk more about it but how on earth do you explain it to a little child