Would you make this public or turn the other cheek?

[openemails]

My ex has persistently lied to people about being a father to our child who is now 3. He was recently in the news (local) for work he has done, loads of comments online and in the press about what a fantastic man he is. His work is linked to something that typically has a strong moral compass and I feel physically sick that he is able to get away with this whilst leaving his child without a father, in arrears on maintenance, albeit is paying what he has to now after being chased by CMS, and who has left me for the last 2.5 years to pay for nursery.

I get that his work has little to do with his private life but as I said his work is very charitable’, without being outing he would be hugely judged for what he has done privately.

I realise this probably sounds like I am invested in him personally/have feelings there but that is very much not the case. I have been absolutely nothing but polite and sensitive towards him over the years in the hope he would take part in our child’s life. After seeing/reading what I have the last week, I am disgusted he can live this secret life. I’m pretty angry tonight and not sure if I am being hasty in wanting to expose him.

@openemails I just said things like "daddy is a bit silly and doesn't want to see you/us. It's not your fault because you're amazing/wonderful/super special but sometimes daddies aren't good at being daddies. You've got me for a mummy though and I'm extra good at being your mummy and I love being your mummy so really you're a very lucky girl, aren't you?" I'd then list all the other people in her life who love her - as I say, be brutally honest in an age appropriate way.

Don't slate him or say untrue, nasty things (as if you'd need to!) - just be honest. You don't owe him anything and shouldn't try to protect him or paint him in a more favourable light - your DD is the only one you need to protect and the truth (relayed gently and kindly with lots of reassurance) is the best way to do that.

I also threw myself under the bus a bit when she was littler - I'd have said "daddy really didn't like mummy anymore and it was easier for him to stop seeing us both. It's easier for daddy not to see you. It's not very brave or kind of him but sometimes daddies aren't as brave or kind as we'd like them to be". Basically, I brought up a realist when it comes to men. Too many of them are weak, selfish pricks. She did have good male role models too though - like my wonderful dad and brother.

@Medusaismyhero oh gosh I can’t imagine saying he doesn’t want to see her. How did she react? I know honesty is the best policy. Sounds terrible but sometimes I wish he was no longer on the planet as it would be easier to explain that to her!

Why are you so angry about this? Be glad he’s not in her life. If he does get involved he could go for 50/50. You wont get any maintenance and you wont have any say in what he does with her, who she sees and how she’s treated.

Even if he doesn’t want a “share” he could break her heart by seeing her occasionally, making promises and regularly letting her down. Bad dad much worse than no dad.

@openemails my sons bio dad has never seen him and also denied his existence , and actually got married and never told his wife ! My son has done fantastically in life too so please try not to stress . I told my son that his father was just too young to be a dad and then over the years he asked a few more questions when he was 10 and 14 then nothing since ( he is 30 now ) x

What outcome do you want here? For him to see the light, pay his CMS and be involved in her life? What if he turns the glowing spotlight on his newly-found best-dad status? To be shamed into paying up but not acknowledging her publicly? Or to blank her forever? As a previous poster said, opening a can of worms, expect to deal with the worms. Think carefully; be clear about what result you want - and don’t want - from this.

I'd be tempted to put on social media something like "proud daughter of daddy..." passive aggressive to him but very outing to people who didn't know he has a daughter.

I would think very clearly about what you want to achieve.

Do you want him to be in your daughters life? This could mean co-parenting with him in future.

Do you want him punished/knocked down a peg? This definitely sounds tempting but what would it achieve? How would it help your daughter?

To be honest I think the best thing to do would be to be honest with your daughter in age appropriate ways and focus on building a wonderful life for the two of you.

How terrible for you.

But kids need honesty - the unknown is so much worse for them. Create a void and they'll fill it with god knows what. My DD accepted it when I told her he didn't want to see her - honestly, kids are so resilient and they appreciate truth more than anything.

Truth plus reassurance from you equals a happy child. You can't protect her from the truth - he doesn't want to see her or be her dad - so face it with her, support her in processing it and be a great parent to her. Honestly, you're far more hurt on her behalf than she'll be.

I'll admit I used to wish my ex would be run over by a bus before DD could talk so I could tell her her dad was amazing, wonderful and adored her but was dead 🙈 But with hindsight, I actually think that would've been worse for her - she'd have felt she was missing something wonderful from her life. The reality is she's missing a dad but she knows he's a deadbeat twat so he's no big loss.

@Medusaismyhero oh my gosh I’ve had the same thoughts 😂 I definitely agree honesty is best and you’re right, my family have said I will be far more upset over this on her behalf than she will be. I just cannot bear it. It’s such a horrible feeling as I genuinely think he is an utter scumbag but I hate she doesn’t have her dad in her life. I will definitely approach it with honesty. Do you think something like ‘your dad wasn’t ready to be a dad and made bad choices so we don’t see him’ would be ok? Gosh I really do hate the man!

Yes, that sounds absolutely perfect. You've got this!

@Medusaismyhero thank you. Is she likely to cry etc about this? Will she obsess over it? Or will it be a one time conversation that then goes away for a while? What should I tell her to say at nursery? I just want to protect her.. again if he died it would be simple, awful I know!!!

She'll model your behaviour and attitude towards it - that's why it's best to be matter of fact and keep emotion out of it as much as you can. Make it "no big deal" so she knows it's not.

Unless she asks you directly what to say at nursery, I wouldn't tell her to say anything specifically. Let her decide what she wants to say. Lots of kids will have "non-traditional" home set ups - two mummies, two daddies, no mummies, no daddies, foster parents, grandparents etc.

If she asks you what she should tell people (I doubt she will to be honest, especially if you keep it "no big deal"), ask her what she'd like to tell people. Involve her and let her decide. Even if you don't always agree.

I don't recall my DD ever crying (to me) about her dad. I can't guarantee she's never cried alone (teenage angst anyone) or to friends/partners whilst drinking etc.

We did have an emotional ish convo at Christmas when she told me she thought he'd had a new baby with his GF (FB stalking). We had a look together and I was 99% sure the baby was indeed his. I think she was more upset at the idea she had a half sibling who she didn't/wouldn't know than anything. I was angry my frequent prayers that he never have the joy of parenthood elsewhere weren't answered. But heyho, such is life. I have to believe that karma will get or is getting him.

I also find being philosophical about it helps - what if someday (god forbid) my daughter needs a kidney and that half sibling is her only match? A reason for everything OP.

You can't make your ex the person and father you want him to be. The reason for him being in your life was to give you DD. He then did you the extra favour of buggering off so you wouldn't have to co parent with a spineless tosser. Your daughter will be a better human being without his input. Take the wins where you can find them. All things for a reason.

He doesn't want to be in her life or be a dad so stop trying to make him.

Forcing him into her life could only end up causing DD distress with him flittering in now and then when it suits.

Forget about him.

@Medusaismyhero thank you huge amounts, I feel much more confident about this now

If he was willing to tell an outright lie like that (and imply that you are so promiscuous that it might or might not have been him) then he will be willing to tell another outright lie.

If you said anything publicly I would expect a pity party for one from him about how you've meanly excluded him from DD's milestones, followed by an application to court for a child arrangements order, followed by Dad Of The Year just up to the point where DD has established a fulfilling relationship with him and looks forward to seeing him at which point his interest will peter out and he'll stop bothering, leaving her sad and angry.

You're better off sticking pins in a wax doll of him and explaining to DD that some families don't have dads, and she does have a father but we don't see him at the moment. Todd Parr's Family Book is good to explain how some families just have a mum, some just have a dad, some have two mums, etc etc.

I know its tough seeing the lies, but I think you need to let this go. By all means make him pay every penny he owes, and if anyone asks you tell them he isn't in her life, but you need to concentrate on what's best for your daughter and for you, which is to pretendhe doesn’t exist. Vengeance will end up hurting all of you, not just him. You don't want him in yours or your ds's lives, it's far better him not be in her life than be in it for the sake of good PR.

I think what @Medusaismyhero is saying is spot on. Really sound advice.

With regards to your question if DD will cry when you tell her the truth OP - if she does that's totally normal and I think it's best if you allow her to feel how she feels, comfort her, validate her feelings. She's allowed to feel the loss. It is sad her dad doesn't want any contact so if she reacts by crying that's okay. By allowing her to cry and feel the feelings you help her process what's going on, and you can then tell her about all the amazing people in her life who love her and say similar stuff to what @Medusaismyhero said about you being a super mum

You're more than welcome - I'm glad I could help! 😊