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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you make this public or turn the other cheek?

94 replies

openemails · 11/07/2023 20:05

My ex has persistently lied to people about being a father to our child who is now 3. He was recently in the news (local) for work he has done, loads of comments online and in the press about what a fantastic man he is. His work is linked to something that typically has a strong moral compass and I feel physically sick that he is able to get away with this whilst leaving his child without a father, in arrears on maintenance, albeit is paying what he has to now after being chased by CMS, and who has left me for the last 2.5 years to pay for nursery.

I get that his work has little to do with his private life but as I said his work is very charitable’, without being outing he would be hugely judged for what he has done privately.

I realise this probably sounds like I am invested in him personally/have feelings there but that is very much not the case. I have been absolutely nothing but polite and sensitive towards him over the years in the hope he would take part in our child’s life. After seeing/reading what I have the last week, I am disgusted he can live this secret life. I’m pretty angry tonight and not sure if I am being hasty in wanting to expose him.

OP posts:
EasterBreak · 11/07/2023 20:39

Guy local to me who's a peodophile and raped his own tiny daughter about 40 years ago is always in the local paper as he works for a charity that helps disabled people. He was charged and she was put in care and adopted. He has a disability himself and got off lightly. Makes me sick seeing him praised as some local legend.

Original poster
openemails · 11/07/2023 20:40

@EasterBreak fucking hell that’s truly awful!!

OP posts:
EasterBreak · 11/07/2023 20:40

Sorry I got distracted, YANBU op.

EasterBreak · 11/07/2023 20:40

openemails · 11/07/2023 20:40

@EasterBreak fucking hell that’s truly awful!!

It really is.

MaxwellCat · 11/07/2023 20:42

Have you posted about this before on a single parent page? I've read something identical to this on Facebook the other day. Has he been nominated for an award? Personally I would move on with my life rather than create unnecessary drama you will only be the "crazy ex"...

ThatFraggle · 11/07/2023 20:43

EasterBreak · 11/07/2023 20:39

Guy local to me who's a peodophile and raped his own tiny daughter about 40 years ago is always in the local paper as he works for a charity that helps disabled people. He was charged and she was put in care and adopted. He has a disability himself and got off lightly. Makes me sick seeing him praised as some local legend.

I would constantly put links to the news report of that.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 11/07/2023 20:43

Well my friend might write to a member of his family saying the washing machine / car had broken down and you can’t afford to replace it. Please would they mind helping out as she is part of their family after all. Or she is going on a school trip and you don’t want her to miss out because he hasn’t contributed and you can’t afford it alone.

where as I would blast him online and be called a lunatic etc!

CrystalPalaceAlice · 11/07/2023 20:48

It’s a lovely thought, but you’ll probably come out worse off here. Punch a few cushions to death as you think of his ridiculous face. You or your daughter don’t want a piece of Shit like that in your lives.

Namechanger1002 · 11/07/2023 20:48

None of the above suggestions would work. At least not in my experience. I tried them all. None of them will get the result you want. Nobody close to this cunt of a father will give a shit or they wouldn’t be close to him. Strangers will care for 5mins and then forget.
Put this energy in to you and your child.
And when you work out how to let the anger can you let me know please!
Flowers to you. It’s shit.

Original poster
openemails · 11/07/2023 20:49

@Namechanger1002 the thing is I’m not convinced those close to him know. That’s how awful he’s been. I never thought that was the case but it does now seem that he’s lied to people from day one. I just want them to know. How can he do that to her

OP posts:
UpaladderwatchingTV · 11/07/2023 20:52

Can you not just write to the paper that he's been featured in, and say that you can't believe the article you've read about him, making him sound like a saint, when he has a 3 year old daughter, who he doesn't acknowledge, and hasn't supported either emotionally or financially until recently, and that he only pays toward her upkeep now, after being forced to by CMS? You don't necessarily have to put your name on the letter OP, just suggest that they look into it.

Acornsoup · 11/07/2023 20:52

He will 'out' himself eventually. No photos on his SM. No birthday parties or Christmas. Your DD will probably do it herself in time. Just concentrate on you and her if you can. He doesn't deserve to have space in your thoughts Daffodil

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/07/2023 20:53

Isn't there anyone close to you if you could make a comment so that you are detached from the whole thing? I would be all over that if it was my daughter who had his child.

AmandaHoldensLips · 11/07/2023 20:55

I'm afraid to say I would have put a comment under the online article saying something like "Isn't this the same man who left his 3 year old child destitute and continues to deny her existence?"

Threenow · 11/07/2023 21:04

Just have a rant to yourself, and on here, then move on. He's not worth the hassle, and "making it public" could well backfire on you. Be the bigger person.

OhcantthInkofaname · 11/07/2023 21:08

I'd certainly tell his closest friends about his child!

Original poster
openemails · 11/07/2023 21:10

@OhcantthInkofaname how would you do this? Just a simple message saying if anyone can encourage him to do the right thing it would be appreciated for DD’s sake?

OP posts:
Carouselfish · 11/07/2023 21:10

Hi OP,

I had a very very horrible, mad stepmother. She was really very unpleasant to me and to my father. However, she was a public figure and quite capable of pretending to be nice in public. I have had to read articles and listen to copious people talk about how wonderful she was. I know the truth, some other people know. But - I wouldn't go public with what I know, because I know people who felt positively about her, wouldn't listen to me, they would find some way of looking at the situation that made me the bad guy and preserved her reputation.

Instead, I know that she knew what she was like and that deep down, she wasn't happy with herself. That is what you have to focus on - he knows he has a daughter and someday, he will regret being so shit. And it is better for your daughter to not have a half-arsed forced relationship with him right now, it really is. Better for her not to have him in her life if he doesn't want to be in it.

Original poster
openemails · 11/07/2023 21:13

@Carouselfish thanks for your view. Sorry you had that experience. I do often think it must cut him up to know what he’s done and is doing but then I read something like that and second guess myself. When will he regret this? He’s not a young man, I was 42 when I had DD and he was older. I want him to suffer with what he’s done to our beautiful girl, who has started to ask if she has a dad. It makes me so so angry.

OP posts:
PattyDuckface · 11/07/2023 21:15

I don't know about all this "crazy ex" stuff. If I read a genuine polite call-out of some deadbeat Dad it would make me think, yeah - what a hypocrite. It's highly unlikely I would think anything bad of the Mother.

Just tell the truth politely and move on.

MaxwellCat · 11/07/2023 21:18

PattyDuckface · 11/07/2023 21:15

I don't know about all this "crazy ex" stuff. If I read a genuine polite call-out of some deadbeat Dad it would make me think, yeah - what a hypocrite. It's highly unlikely I would think anything bad of the Mother.

Just tell the truth politely and move on.

Because people that don't know him will be on his side? I have children with my ex and he doesn't see them we have 4 actually he still has loads of friends i don't know why people think their friends will care dead beat dads usually hang around with similar people

Anaemiafog · 11/07/2023 21:21

openemails · 11/07/2023 21:10

@OhcantthInkofaname how would you do this? Just a simple message saying if anyone can encourage him to do the right thing it would be appreciated for DD’s sake?

Why would you invite him into your child's life?

Original poster
openemails · 11/07/2023 21:22

@Anaemiafog He shouldn’t leave her wondering where her dad is. I don’t expect my message to make a difference but why should she be a secret

OP posts:
hopsalong · 11/07/2023 21:25

How long were you in a relationship with him?

Why did it end?

Is he 100% sure he is DD's father? (Not, are you sure, but does he know -- eg have you done a paternity test?)

Original poster
openemails · 11/07/2023 21:28

@hopsalong we were in a long term relationship. He knows he’s the father and was at the birth! Sadly we lived away from his close friends (he only has a few and not very sociable), so he was able to hide the pregnancy and I believe the one friend who did know was later told dd wasn’t his!

OP posts: