To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

Op, I just want to say you are clearly a great mum. I've RTFT and the things you have in place for your DD, and all the things you've done for her are evident of a supportive and committed parent. You're at the end of your tether, you want better for your DD2, and you and your DH, which is totally understandable. I'm not sure why other posters think you're just giving up and abandoning and abusing your eldest, it doesn't read that way to me.
If you need this space to vent, use it. You're doing a really good job

OP I know it’s not what the thread is about but I’d be so grateful to understand more about what you said about Golden Time being damaging, not using punishments and rewards etc and what you do in the classroom?

I have read only your posts OP.

I don’t have any experience of autism.

You sound extremely loving to both your girls, and your husband. The balance you’re trying to strike must be exhausting, day in and day out. I admire you for all that you and your DH are managing. Both your DDs are very lucky to have you fighting their corners as you describe.

FWIW you seem really stressed out and I don't judge you for needing to do whatever it is to get some peace and calm back into your house and lives. If you all continue to keep going like this it could turn out so much worse than it already is. If you need to try this way then do it and don't worry what everyone else thinks because noone else has to live in your shoes everyday except you!

Yes, I'm a dickhead - as in, I have a child with PDA and ADHD whose behaviour got him permanently excluded from school.

Admitting it is the first step.

You do know ops daughter is not on here reading this?

Reported. What a disgusting, ignorant post!

I said that there was a lot of ableism and that much of the advice is directed at the improving the comfort of the NT people in the situation, which is true. I did not say that ALL of the advice on the thread was useless and that people don't care about the happiness of their dc - that's your poor interpretation of what I wrote.

Ableism must be called out and, if you genuinely care about the happiness of your son and other autistic people and have the level of knowledge that you claim, you must know that change is needed in education, in workplaces, etc, with emphasis placed on the comfort of the autistic individual and not on making their behaviour less awkward for the NT people around them. I did not post with the intention of offending anyone, but I've clearly hit a nerve.

You really should be careful about using phrases like 'the likes of you' when communicating with people from a minority group, especially when you are angrily dismissing my opinion. Yes, I am autistic (and dislike the term 'on the spectrum') and no matter how much you read and observe from the outside you will never know as much about being autistic as I do (or your son does, or any other autistic person does), just as I have no real comprehension of how a NT person sees the world.

Op I think you are brave, I live the same life as you and to get up everyday and face the challenges that we do everyday is pure bravery- I have no advice but I see you and acknowledge how utterly destroying autism can be in a family unit x

@MostlyBlueberryFlavoured I think it's horrible that you would say the OP is not a good parent. Fancy saying that to someone in the deepest part of their struggles when things seem completely hopeless.

OP I have no useful input but it sounds like you have done and are doing so much and I know you will keep doing what you can for the best of your family. I only hope that your endeavours get you some much needed support so you can have a semblance of respite in the future

@Sheselectric88 Thank you for that. It's intensely frustrating to be slandered as lacking in empathy. Autistic women and girls often do have empathy, it just might not look like other people's. Such as "friends don't ask each other to lie about their opinions" as opposed to "friends lie about their opinions to make each other feel better".

Is comic strip conversations or, if that’s too basic, social autopsies somethings you’ve explored at all? Certainly not a fix but might be a way to start some structured conversation with her about the impact she’s having on everyone else and therefore her relationships.

Id start with exploring positive things and times she’s been kid or helpful to others and how that’s made them feel before moving onto more negative situations. You can then keep the ones you’ve done together as a reference for her to look back on for for you talk about together again.

I realise this is a tiny part of a much much bigger picture though.

Shes not a violent child, she a child behaving violently.

Meltdowns are not tantrums.

It's not about her inability to learn respectful behaviour. She is autistic. It's far more complex.

Oh yes, people should just stfu and struggle on in silence because ignorant ableists may be around 😒

I can understand your frustration but going for authoritarian is unlikely to work either! You might want to reconsider your punishments. No screens for 24 hours for someone who uses them to stay calm is overly harsh. It is going to lead to further violent behaviour. In general it is the certainty of the consequence rather than the length that is important. So a time out in her room until dinner might have been a better call.

As someone who grew up with autistic siblings and parents who didn't discipline them, I'm very very interested to see how this more carrot and stick approach works. Please can you keep us posted on how this goes?

I don't understand how parenting by giving rewards for good behaviour and consequences for bad behaviour is at all abusive - what a weird suggestion from some people.

As a ND adult I agree with this.

Having no structure for me is hell. I know people say ND need no demands put on them but there are a group of us that disagree with that. One size doesn't fit all.

Your youngest, your dh and you need to put yourselves first for a bit.

Also if you make the world spin around your eldest, what will happen when they get to the actual world and find out it won't spin around them like they have had people doing all their lives.

We have three kiddos, two confirmed autistic, one PDA. We have to parent them entirely differently!

Yeah, you don’t understand.

@MysteryBelle It is the 11 year old who is abusing her little sister and parents with violent rages.

Meltdowns have more in common with panic attacks. In my case, usually a consequence of one or more of:

• Too many questions or decisions to deal with in too short a time.
• Too many sensory inputs.
• Too many people.

I time my supermarket visits carefully, take lists, and sometimes have to leave without everything I went for and go back after a break because I can't stay any longer.

A child, with far less insight into her meltdowns and less control over her environment, will lash out because she's in distress and can't articulate why nor escape it.

No, she's protecting her younger child from the older child's violence.

You proved my point. We are not allowed to criticize or examine the trendy buzzwords/buzz phrases of the day. You want to shut up anyone who disagrees with you. Since the powers that be are the ones who push the craziness of course they use that power to shut up any dissent.

Ask yourselves why everybody and their mamas (literally the mothers are claiming they have these conditions too to explain away whatever ‘I was diagnosed as an adult of 96’ ) now have every named condition under the sun to cover every single behavior. Trying to piggyback on the real condition of autism to make up stuff to keep the masses insularly hyper focused on their own ever devolving navels.