To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

@IamSTARVING

It's possible but I cannot see how I would the criteria for a diagnosis. I am a primary school teacher and I'm now into my third decade of the job. I had no mental health issues before I had DD1.

@Zeroperspective

Thank you.

It is the 11 year old who is abusing her little sister and parents with violent rages. Upsetting the entire household continually. Chaos. I think the Op is correct to try a less coddling approach. Advocating for reinforcing tantrums by letting all hell break loose, because that’s what is so often pushed, is a bunch of garbage. There are other people in the family too. The whole world should not be revolving around a violent child or adult. That method leads to devastating consequences. And she’s going to become a violent adult if she isn’t taught or refuses to learn respectful behavior. Autism does not automatically equal violent rampages, it’s an insult to say that it is the ‘norm’.

I work with children with autism and it is rare to find an autistic child who is regulated by screens (signs of this would include being happy to turn off the screen, and behaviour being markedly calmer and more social immediately after turning off the screen. Much like somebody might feel after a good workout at the gym.) Not impossible of course, but rare.

More commonly, the child uses devices as an escape and respite from the ‘real world’ and becomes distressed / enraged when the device needs to be turned off. It can very develop turn into an addiction, especially when games are involved. Then it is regulating only insofar as alcohol, drugs and sugar are regulating, in other words it becomes an unhelpful coping mechanism.

My opinion: children with autism need to find other ways to regulate, usually sensory, and not involving a screen.

That's the worst thing you can do our dc are autistic and have pda you need to be as low demand as possible. The violent outburst will reduce but they are unlikely to stop completely. Your dd is not naughty discipline will not work and is not warranted. I know how hard it is but it please use pda strategies for everyone's sake.

And it will become more and more like this as the thread goes on

surely you have got everything you wanted from the thread? You know my view is - move! But doesn’t look like that’s on the cards. Good luck, sounds very difficult

@InAndOutOfTheRedBalloon

I think the enforced down time may help. Underlying it may be a jealousy of DD2 being 'allowed' downstairs with me and that being unfair. Up to me to solve that by, say painting alongside DD2 for example, if she wants it. It's worth the offer.

You sound like an amazing mom for all that you have done for her and all that you are doing for your family. Wish you all the best and I hope your daughter improves.

@Kimchikitchen

I'll be raising it with DH. It's worth discussing and researching. I value your contribution and making me truly think out of the box.

So many people have posted on this thread advocating for the OP’s DD yet you seem to be blind to the fact. You’ve managed to diminish them to almost none. And what do I mean by the likes of you - it’s very simple. I mean people who come along and put the boot in on parents who are doing their absolute best to bring happiness to their child’s life.

There’s only so far my empathy can go. I get how hard it is, I really do but this is worrying. You obviously need help in various ways and I hope you find some.

@InAndOutOfTheRedBalloon

Thank you for the King's recommendation. It really looks like a great option. We did the recent ASN seminar. We are making the search for a secondary school the priority next term which should allow 18 months transition time.

@Ilovecaviar Thank you. We've had one peaceful day and I am thankful for that.

Lots from this thread for us to take forward too. A nest of vipers we may be but also challenging and supportive in equal measure.

There’s a residential asc girls school in Kent I think @stargirl1701 it was on the Chris Packham documentary on bbc… this might be the eye of the storm. Once she’s gone through puberty it might get easier 💐

Disgusting person - you can't smack autism out of a kid

Yeah it doesn’t happen with Nd kids though, they use it to soothe.

Thanks @leafcutting.

Well when I googled it (to find out what it was) i saw links talking about it positively l from ChildAutism.org, autismspeaks, the Childmindinstitute etc even the national autistic society was very on the fence and unhelpfully vague!

You can't hit anything out of anyone, except respect, love and stability.

Shit parenting under any circumstances, and now the evidence is in it's not even deniable. People can't claim any more that they didn't know better. If you're still hitting your kids, you're just a shit parent. Not misguided, not mistaken, just shit.

I just want to add to this thread that not all autistic people lack empathy or understanding of others. In fact it’s more common that autistic girls are overly empathetic and are very concerned about others, often they are able to easily put themselves in others shoes. Often autistic people love social interactions even if they find it confusing and not all autistic people prefer to be alone or are introverted. It’s a bloody myth that they can’t see outside their own wants. The 0 empathy, in their own world, only able to see their point of view, is old hat and based on stereotypes of autistic males.
Being so attuned to others can often be very difficult and overwhelming for autistic people who are like this. It may be that the op daughter is overwhelmed by her ability to empathise so deeply and is then feeling shame at her reaction to that so gets into a negative cycle.
Despite the varying difficulties autistic people have they absolutely can learn to be non violent and absolutely can understand cause and effect and consequences.
Stop pigeonholing people.

@Createausernameargh

Yes, that school looked amazing. There is great diversity of schools in England that we just don't have in Scotland.

There's autism charities intended to make life better for autistic people and then there's "autism" cha₹itie$ that are there to push medicalisation and scaremongering about how autism (translate: autistic children's existence) is some kind of family-destroying curse that needs a cure. Autism $peaks are a well-known example of the latter. ABA fits right into that "cure" narrative, that the child can be moulded into at least a simulacrum of neurotypicality and poor dear mom and pop can have their high-sensory-stimulus highly-socialised "normal" family life back that autism their autistic child "stole" from them.

When evaluating an autism charity, ask:

• Are there any autistic people on the board? Is there just the one, token, autistic on the board?
• Who is writing for the website?
• Is the focus on the needs and wants of the neurotypical members of the autistic person's family, or on the needs of the autistic person?

I really have only one thing to say to you, OP:

You and your husband and your DD2 are amazing. And 100% respect for the way you are constantly looking out for new things to try. Sorry there are some dickheads on the thread.

Again, your experience is not the universal experience.

OP a few things leap out at me.

You love both your girls.
You have done so much for your older girl to try and fight for support for her.
You have researched every strategy extensively.
You are at the end of your tether.
You are thinking of changing your approach.
You have not given up on your girl at all.
You are juggling a challenging job as well as managing your daughter’s issues.
You don’t want to harm your daughter in any way.
You and your husband are working together.
You desperately need and deserve a break.

Many would not be able to do as much as you have done. I admire your love, strength and dedication.

I hope things can get easier for you. And that some of this thread has helped. I take my hat off to you.