To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

What is it like for her when she’s only to be in her room?

Is she ok?

@ZombieBeryl

Done! Thank you xx

Again residential school, are really hard ti.get
In not going to.repeat myself as I have said it seversl.Times now but no.it isn't a realistic option.

Not sure if this has been said but could you possibly be letting her have to may choices?

Actually, that's a really good suggestion. Having to make a decision quickly without prior warning is the fastest way to send me into a panic attack.

@StefanosHill

She seems happy enough. She prefers her own company with her special interests.

Art
STEM
Graphic Novels
Coding
Jigsaws

Archery
Swimming
Whittling
Fencing
Horse riding

I hear you.

my son is exactly the same. Live revolves around him. We’ve tried it all too.

I understand how done you are, I really do.

No advice. Just solidarity that you are not alone.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

That's a very good point. I was very on top of that when she was younger but have relaxed over the years. A tightening up on that would be a great idea.

Thank you.

Even more clueless.
Firstly because you think the op hates her child and secondly because you think there are good alternative places she could be that would be better for her.

@BakedTattie 😘

That’s good. If she feels safe and not distressed some time apart could work both ways.

Can't get by this. I understand your frustration and was with you to a point, but this is nothing short of cruel and bad parenting.

Why don't you just lock her in the basement? Awful.

Hopefully you contact SS and they have a solution that actually benefits your daughter rather than you punishing her because she has a disability she cannot cope with or you even try to understand.

I have an autistic child. She was very hard work for years but I did everything I could to ensure her needs were being met and she is now happy. And I know other parents of autistic children who put up with more than you are and still love their child.

I feel so sorry for your 'D'D. She's 11 ffs and you are not advocating for her or trying to find out if there is an extra issue. Taking screens away and making her an outcast will not help her. YOU are the selfish one.

@hotinthesunwithcola

Dear God, that sounds horrifically like my childhood.

Unmumsnetty hugs xx

I’m fully aware of the system and the barriers. But I’m also fully aware of the impact that a parent like this can have on their child.

But keep on patronising me and support a parent saying they are done with their child. Good on you.

OP I get it. Reading your first few posts was jarring and I felt concerned for your child but, having read the full thread, I really do get it.

I have an autistic son and he hit me for the final time when he was 12 years old. He'd been violent regularly until about 10 then only occasionally. When he hit me aged 12 I also decided I was done and I said he had to go and live with his dad because I was not going to let ANYBODY hit me ever again (I grew up in a violent home). Over the next couple of years I saw my son regularly at his dad's, did all the advocacy re his education etc, took him out somewhere nice every week (he didn't hit me outside my house or at his dad's and he didn't hit his dad). I know you don't have this option as you live with your partner - I could not have continued in your situation.

He's an adult now and we have a distant but cordial relationship. He's a lovely, gentle man who lives a good life, with friends and his own child. We've talked about those years - he bought it up - and he says he has no memories of hitting me. I'm sure he carries hurt from me refusing to live with him at that time, and of course I still feel guilty, but I don't regret my decision. I was DONE too - it was a visceral reaction to being hit by someone who, although a child, was nearly as big as me. It also meant that my daughter's home life improved dramatically.

@Aaaaandbreathe

RTFT

I really feel for you. And your family. I have very limited experience with autistic children but one lad sticks in my mind as he had very similar behavior as your dc. We were emergency foster carers and he arrived out of the blue and all we were told was that he had put his mother in hospital. He had a meltdown at a bus stop. She made no attempt to defend herself. Police pulled him off and he came straight to us. We had no experience and for days no help or advice. No-one mentioned autism. He screamed demands. We stuck to our mantra of not rewarding bad behavior. He stripped off peed on the floor tried to bite. He wanted his screens chicken nuggets and mars bars! But showed no interest in his mother. We told him he would get nothing until he calmed down and behaved. Eventually he did. Eventually. Then followed several hours of chatting and reasonable behaviour and of course chicken nuggets. Then something triggered him and off we went again.There were two of us and we were full-time. And we were stronger than him so we're able to defend ourselves without hurting him. It was exhausting. Mentally and physically exhausting. We learnt the hard way that you couldn't take him shopping. His mother had a complete breakdown. The second autistic child placed with us came with his siblings. They came to us because the mother had tried to kill herself. She was a single parent and just simply could not take anymore. The eldest sibling hated her brother with a passion. "We'd be alright without him. He is killing Mum" I'm sure you don't want to put your child in care but it was our reports as carers that finally tipped the balance and got the families support.

Maybe YOU would like to offer? {Thought not}
Maybe take this difficult child and ''Tame'' her with sweet words and hugs..

Love is not enough sometimes.

So easy to criticise a parent at the end of her rope- It's the violence, the situation that is driving OP to despair.

OP obviously puts masses of input into her daughter, anyone with any sense would know that OP doesn't ''Hate'' her daughter, she's worn down with the relentless anguish.

I don't blame her one bit.

I'm a PDAer too and was diagnosed during my original assessment (I had a dual assessment for ADHD and autism and paid privately). PDA does make it hard to access to support - I was only chatting with dh about how hard I am finding it to go to the GP about my anxiety earlier (and have posted on the ND mumsnetters board about it too).

Unnecessary

this is just my experience (over 15 years worth with countless children with autism) and you of course don’t have to listen. Authoritarian parenting will make your life even harder. You say she’ll stay in her room - how are you going to enforce that? I really think this decision will cause more meltdowns. I empathise that you are at the end of your tether but I can’t see this route working!

This sounds amazing!
Such a lot of support at school, yet it sounds as though you have very little at home.

@Viviennemary

That's reality of so many families though.

I grew up with constant violence that no ever tried to stop. I was hit with golf clubs, tennis racquets, squashed with a car door in my twenties even.

I will not allow that to happen to my child.

I normally do before commenting but as a parent of an autistic child, reading that post made me quite upset so I didn't continue reading. Will do now.

Wow your daughter has amazing opportunities! Why don't you not bother with any of them?