To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

I snorted out loud! As long as the paint was edible, DDog would be delighted!

No, a painting of the dog! 😂

It’s interesting that your going to be firmer
My son has a lot of interaction with the Autistic child next door to him.
They Childs mother is constantly placating the child in a meltdown.
My son tells the child exactly what he thinks: child shuts up.

It must be deeply frustrating.
I have witnessed terrifying violence {schoolfriend's autistic sibling}- especially when he got older and larger.
A local woman had to put her large violent autistic child into a secure unit after the DC endangered her life.

A local adolescent with Autism needs two strong younger carers because of the lashing out- the older parents just cannot manage.

Physical violence is intolerable, no matter what the cause.

Autism seems much commoner than it was..and parents largely seem to be unsupported.

I'm in no position to offer any pearls of wisdom, I have not closely encountered severe autism, let alone lived with anyone afflicted with it. I can't imagine what hell it must be for all of you.

However, when I read the original post and the OPs following comments, I'm not reading "I'm done with my daughter's behaviour", I'm seeing "I'm about to do something really drastic". OP, if you have reached the end of your rope, you need to temporarily put everyone else's needs to one side and desperately seek the help YOU need. No parent willingly decides 'I'm done', and the fact you're stating this repetitively on a public forum, where you must know you are going to get hugely walloped, makes me think you don't need help tomorrow or next week, you need it NOW. Tell your DH, your best friend or a complete stranger - just please tell someone how close to the edge your are. You've shouted for help on here, please do it real-time with a real person before there's no way back for you.

And that is one of the most clueless.

I suspect the child reacts differently to his parents than to other children/relative strangers.

@Yoyonono

Night time meds are working well. She is on a break from them though. They cannot be used constantly.

That is fine. She potters about in her room until she feels sleepy around midnight. In the same way I am requiring her to do during the day today.

Again though, moving away MIGHT be best for DD1 but what about DD2? Does anyone think that removing her from her world to enable her sister to have a better life will stop the resentment, especially when she's older? You cannot sacrifice one child for the sake of the other, she has been through enough by the sound of it. Her whole childhood has revolved around her older sister and though absolutely no one is at fault for that its so so shit for her. What will become of her when she is older? Will she seek relationships in the wrong places? Will she go through life just accepting that her needs come last? Dangerous for a young woman. Surely it cannot be an option to take her away from her support network? It could totally isolate her.
OP, i admire you for trying to fix this for both of your children. It sounds exhausting and I cant even begin to imagine the toll its taken on you all.

Honestly. That’s going to be very much easier said than done. When you’re in a storm such as our children are during a meltdown, or even leading up to one, it’s very difficult for them to think straight.

@PoshPineapple

DH knows.

I said the same to the Social Worker yesterday.

My Dad knows.

My friends, Christ even some colleagues know.

I admit I also thought she’d applied paint to the dog (like one of those pink or rainbow coloured Pomeranian’s on you tube)
Sounds like a more positive day.

Is she on melatonin. If so you don’t have to stop the medication, reducing the dose then increasing it up to the previous dose also works.

@PollyThePixie

I know.

I must be strong. My children need me to hold the line. I am. I will not surrender to violence in my home.

The problem with PDA kids, they do far better as an only kid. You're literally in between a rock and a hard place and the desperation in your posts is almost palpable. How can a family work when one child needs to be the only to feel in control?

I looked briefly into residential settings years ago for the teens if the road I thought my kid was on had continued, just so I knew there was options. Thankfully it wasn't needed as he calmed right down when his siblings who are a fair bit older left home.

Massive fight for funding though I think. I was scared of puberty a lot.

Agree 100%.

@stargirl1701 You are at the absolute end of your tether.

I couldn't deal with violence like that- it's as if the entire household's needs are sacrificed because of one child.

Being really firm might help- or it might not.

You desperately need help.

I have no advice but I do hope there are glimmers of useful advice being given by people you've reached out to.

ABA teaches Autistic people that it’s okay if you are uncomfortable, as long as you are pleasing other people.

Which is exactly what a child abuser wants in a child. Autistic women are far more likely to be sexually assaulted than their neurotypical counterparts.

Ds has PDA. It does exist, but often isn’t recognised. That doesn’t stop us parenting our children in a way they can learn to manage.

Expecting no violence as a demand is far too
broad and relies on your dd understanding how she feels and having other options available to her. At the point of lashing out she’s the equivalent of having a panic attack, it’s too late.
Expecting her to manage this huge expectation that has no clarity is setting her up to fail.

Take steps back, stop wanting her to regulate her own violence - if she could she’d already be doing it - watch what’s setting her off. Is it after a day at school? Being too close to people? There’s always a reason, but it takes time to work out what it is.

Once lashing out there’s little you can do but separate them. Strategies need to come into play earlier.

Why are you so outraged that I suggested you might serve your kid her meal in her room OP? You're happy to very kindly take her to clubs, get badges etc. What on earth is the difference in terms of effort expended?! Also you seem to be doing absolutely tons to facilitate a rounded and interesting life for your child which is fantastic but presumably increases the resentment when she then kicks and bites? Would it be worth trying just to let her be in a room with a screen (if that makes her happy) and just take a break from all the parenting effort, as naturally if you are putting in that much effort you probably are wanting suitably good behaviour in return on some level. Anyway just a thought, I shall now put on my asbestos suit and prepare to be flamed alive.

Then you would be pushing for a long time 🙄
I don't why posters keep, suggesting residential school.
Yes they are available but they cost£££££
Its a long difficult process ,
Everybody has to.sure iits in the child's best interests
The LEA would have to agree to.fund it
Then they would have to.find a school.that agreed it could meet the child's needs
And it could be anywhere in the UK.

Is your son that rude to everyone?

@gamerchick

She is a better person because of DD2. We all are. She cares so deeply and has such empathy. She'll be a wonderful mother if she chooses to be so.

At 8 years old though, she says I might not have children because of autism.

Even though, whilst sobbing, she says it's hard for me but harder for DD1.

@LilyPark

I'm not against it just tickled by the irony.

What a difficult situation you are in OP.

At this point I would be making a sensory/ safe space for DD2 so she has a place to unwind from the from her sister and not forced into her bedroom when she's done nothing wrong. The poor child is suffering just as much as your daughter with autism.