To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

@morbidd "And you believe this won't have any affect on you? The neglect of a child who is clearly suffering?

You're either a sociopath or deluded."

So she has to neglect her second child who is also clearly suffering, and her own and her husband's health?

I have a lifelong disability as a result of toxic stress from living with a situation like OP. There has to be a balance between the needs of each person.

Put your own O2 mask and life belt on first, OP.

Is there any option to put her in a special needs boarding school or put her in residential care? I'm really not suggesting this lightly but reading your updates OP, it sounds like you're at crisis point and have tried all other options.

As you know, you and your husband have a responsibility to look after yourselves and your other child. From what you've said, it's affected your mental health. If you end up in hospital, your husband may not be able to cope alone and then what happens?

If your daughter went into some kind of residential facility, it would take the pressure off and hopefully being able to visit regularly and do fun things together would repair your relationship with her.

NOBODY should be living in a household where they are either being physically attacked (you and your husband) or fear for your safety and have to walk on eggshells (your other daughter). Regardless of the cause, this is unacceptable. It's due to disability but that doesn't change the impact on the family.

I wish you all the best OP and hope things get easier for you all soon.

I feel for you. You sound so worn out and my heart goes out to you.

I know this might annoy you to say this , but I usually find when they are their worst, it’s the time they need us the most. However bad you are feeling, she probably is too.

Try to just get through today. Try to think of how far you have come and all the things you have done that have worked and got you through until now.
You need a break urgently also.
I’m so sorry and wish I could say the right thing to you.

@Sirzy

Her community paediatric consultant would know. I can leave a msg for her this afternoon.

Thank you.

I read all the books too and tried all the strategies. Best thing I ever did was to stop trying to enforce a strategy upon DS, let it all go, remove all stress and then really think about what he was trying to tell me. There are no handy books really as autism presents so differently

You sound broken OP, I do sympathise

Oh Op .I feel for you. I do, and I hope that came across.

@Jellycatspyjamas

You made me smile today. Thank you. God I want to cry just at that alone.

You sound so traumatised 💐
Speaking as an autistic adult, maybe she too will be happier being kept apart from her sister, eating meals alone etc. Hopefully this will reduce the number of meltdowns.
I wish you could get respite for her. It sounds like you are all 4 suffering.
Sending you a big hug. If you like hugs, that is.

Is this a serious post? It's not funny if so. Jfc, OP, is this the kind of "help" you get for autism? Reduce screens and hit them? I'm amazed any of you are still standing. I'd have gone full loon by now.

Oh, OP. I just want to send you a hug. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, I only read OPs updates before posting. I've since scrolled through the last page and seen the multiple posts about how residential school isn't a realistic option.

I mean this kindly but clearly you have no clue how the system works you cent just nook a child into.a special needs boarding school.or a,residential placement .

You can’t just hit autistic dc to overcome their situation

I believe you ❤️ I’m also a primary teacher in Scotland, there is one specialist school in my LA and the threshold is INSANE, they wouldn’t even look at your daughter. Basically you have to be severely physically disabled - I’m talking wheelchairs, feeding tubes, completely non verbal, etc. They won’t even look at neurodivergent conditions. It’s a big reason mainstream schools are drowning trying to support children who we simply aren’t resourced for! What about a local school with an ESA? Though it sounds like school are pretty much trying everything. I obviously don’t know where you are but Spectrum are a good charity working through parts of central Scotland, they do after school sessions for respite for you all. Is DD2 accessing young carers? Some of the kids in my school with ND siblings thrive on the days out etc.

@3luckystars

That's kinda where I started.

She has secure attachment so meltdowns with us. Is that helping though?

She needs to start actually using all the strategies she has been taught. At 11 it just not okay to attack people because she feels bad. It's easy. It's a lifelong habit.

My heart goes out to you OP. I don't know how you or other parents of children with needs like this are still standing. Fingers crossed your new strategy works as planned.

This is a windup, surely. Not sure how hitting a sprog is the way to show them that hitting is unacceptable.

I get that the OP is at the end of her tether and is concerned for the other child, but an extreme authoritarian parenting approach isn't going to improve anything.

She says the child might have pda but she doesn’t want to implement the strategies to deal with it… she wants to do the opposite of what all research, expert advice and the lived experience of other SEN parents tells her will help her child, thus helping her whole family.

She is pissed off with what life has dealt her- I get that, it’s hard. But her attitude will make it harder for everyone.

i didn't get to finish what i was saying earlier.

Basically, i am doing a version of what you are.. peace in our house is letting DS do his own thing in his own space. He has his consoles, books, lego...etc up there and we leave him to it.. i will just occasionally pop in and chat, he will let me know when he wants/needs interaction with us.

DD has had to learn to keep her distance from her brother, she ignores him during food time, DS is allowed to come and go when he pleases when we're eating and isn't spoken to while he is at the table unless its a hello/you ok? from me.

We dont do anything with them together because they will fight, DS finds everything very overwhelming, even with his ear defenders/fidget toys at hand, and when he starts to escalate he generally starts needling his younger sister and i have to separate them.

Don't let people on here think its abusive, so long as you continue to love, while giving your autistic child space and no pressure, its fine.

The only thing i would argue you're wrong on is the no screens, get her a tablet, and leave her to it in her room, my only rule with DS is it doesn't come to the table at dinner time, otherwise its generally glued to his hands.

Op

i will bow out because the way I see it, living in the rural highlands of Scotland and sending your daughter to a “wee country school”

Is a HUGE contributory factor to what sounds like a family on the edge.

Whats,the alternative ?
There is none .

It's good to read a positive post, and great that you have at least a little bit of peace.

I have no advice to give as I have no experience of autism, but as you have tried everything else, your idea of authoritarian parenting might be the best thing to do.

I hope things get better for you, as the situation is untenable for the whole family. Sending hugs.

@BodegaSushi
Not smug, but thanks for your contribution. I'll take your advice on board and only talk about my life experiences from now on.

I hate to say it op

but sending her to a “wee country school” in rural highlands of Scotland is not only causing so much of your suffering - it is very unfair on your daughter, as she is not receiving the support she needs

Are you accessing the Child disability payment? It’s not means tested so even though you’re on a reasonable salary you could still claim. I know money won’t solve your problems but it could pay for a little bit of private respite during the holidays to help lessen the burden of parenting your DD 24/7.