To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

This very much ties up with my thoughts that so much is having to be out in place at school that it’s highly likely the school isn’t right for the OP’s DD

Have you made enquiries into residential school with the possibility of seeing her on weekends?

If she doesn’t meet the criteria for an autism hub or special school, she’ll never meet the criteria for residential school - I love the way folk think you can just chose a residential placement and it’ll be provided to you.

I haven’t read the full thread because I don’t have time but I’m going against the parts I have read. @stargirl1701 im am autistic adult. I was neglected as a child, it wasn’t that my mum gave up but that she didn’t have the ability to meet my needs. As a teen I was out of control and my mental health was rock bottom. What I needed and wish I had was a parent to reign me in, to put strict boundaries in place, to show me how to manage my emotions but not pander to them, to not be passive, to not give me unlimited freedom (no screens back then), to not walk away when I was distressed. I needed a telling off and someone to give a shit and take back control so that I didn’t feel confused and holding control I didn’t know how to manage. I wasn’t violent and I didn’t harm anyone but I was avoidant of school and if life and felt shit scared all the time. I didn’t know what was expected of me so I felt lost and unloved. My life has turned out brilliant but that came after a period of challenge in my early 20s. I became a mum too young and no one told me to think it through. I love my resulting child and wouldn’t chance it but I have never know adulthood without being a mum and my life could have been so much easier. I missed out on so much.

I have an autistic girl. She is also not violent etc but for the last couple of years meeting her needs over shadowed our lives. I too had a nervous breakdown. My other dc suffered and my marriage almost ended. Until I took back control. Until I did as you said and put the needs of the many first. I didn’t stop parenting her or fighting for her to have what she needs but I stopped putting her needs first and I stopped killing myself to prioritise her. I put stricter rules in place and I made sure she knew how her behaviour was impacted on the family, on herself and her ability to achieve her own potential. I do not want to parent her to be NT or make her life harder but the real world will not bend for her unfortunately and she is high functioning enough to need to survive in it.

Our relationship has improved. She is happier. Her sister is happier. Meltdowns are non existent. She has friends. She is achieving in all her activities. She is less anxious. She has stopped self injury. She is kinder to us and herself. She is a joy to be around. She had improved in school. She has stopped saying she hates her life. She does as we ask. She does her chores and looks after herself better. She spends less time on screens.
Not all autistic people need screens to regulate despite what you are told. It can be detrimental to some just as it is for NT people.

I know her well enough and can read between the lines etc so I know she is not masking with us. It has genuinely improved her life and ours.

We are not doing anything you wouldn’t do with a NT child. We still meet her needs. We still prioritise all our dc. We still let her feel emotions and let her be herself, we have allowed her to take some control of her own failures instead of trying to make her life 100% comfortable and do everything to avoid conflict and we have taken back control for everyone’s sake and shown her the world does not revolve around her.

Best decision I ever made in parenting.

Pp need to understand not all ND people are the same and some need this approach to thrive.

I understand what you’re saying.

That sounds so rough OP

Its really not that simple its a long complicated process needing lots of assessment ,and the LEA agreeing to.fund it and then finding one that meets her needs (which could be anywhere in the uk) and there is no.guarantee that she would be deemed suitable for residential school.

You're not the arbiter of dignity or, well, anything. As for "hit a nerve", how lazy. Let me guess - next it'll be "projection"?

Your kids don't have autism, so the technique you're espousing - reduce screen time - is simplistic, irrelevant and useless.

Also please stop suggestions of residential placements. The cost of these are more than 80k a year in most circumstances no one can afford that. They are not given out by LA like sweets. It’s near in impossible to get a social worker let alone respite ffs.

@Createausername1970

It's worked today anyway.

DD1 had Fencing Summer Camp this morning. She's eaten her choice of lunch, made a Snap Circuit that lights up like a disco, painted our dog, had a snack...she's currently reading Alex Rider.

DD2 and I went to the library this morning. I've watched Wimbledon whilst DD2 has coloured them completed a jigsaw.

Peace reigns.

I cannot word what I want to say.

Ds is another who is doing much better since being on setraline, he still has his moments but that’s a godsend for us. If she is generally very anxious and the meltdowns are as a result of that then it may be worth exploring.

i know in England it has to come via CAMHs but not sure the route in Scotland.

But what’s the point of him having that job of his entire family disintegrates around him.

from what you describe here - all members of your family need a shit tonne more support than is offered in a “wee country school” living in the rural highlands of Scotland

Unfortunately this is absolutely true. DV when being perpetrated by a child, equals no support at all. Every child I know who is doing this is doing it because of the severity of their needs, the family are screaming for help, and there's nothing. No crisis team for under 13s, CAMHS are useless, GPs are worse, if you go to A&E in desperation they're no help, social services might do an assessment if you're lucky and then tell you you're doing everything right and oh well, try sticker charts. The only practical help has come to us from occupational therapists and other parents. And the exhaustion and stress and burn out builds up and up and that doesn't help anyone, particularly the siblings and the child whose behaviours escalate so much under stress.

Would smacking as a punishment work/be effective? It's still legal in England

OP I feel for you - at your wits end. I cautiously want to ask if you might want suggestions that have worked for other parents, or if you just need to vent right now?

You do the work so you decide what happens.

Unfortunately disabilities can not be beaten out of children.

Good for you, maybe read some more as it didn’t go in the first time. Good luck with your chosen path, you have my sympathy

Sounds like a lovely day, hopefully one that has gone partway to helping you feel a bit better for now.

i know how easy it is to get stuck on the roundabout of everything being so hard, so in the kindest possible way can I suggest for now you walk away from the thread enjoy some chill time watching Wimbledon and try to get a bit of relax time while you can. The thread will still be there in a few hours/days if you need it.

@Sheselectric88 ❤️

Would smacking as a punishment work/be effective? It's still legal in England

The OP is in Scotland where snacking is, thankfully, illegal. Besides which assaulting a child for neurodevelopmental difficulties is cruel and abusive likely to terrify her.

@eggsbenedict23

I'm not in England. AND, it's never OK.

That's the entire thing that sparked this off. You CANNOT be violent no matter what you feel. Autistic or not. It is unacceptable.

Toddlers do it and we teach them better. Pre-schoolers do it and we teach them better.

Smacking is illegal, Scottish obesity rates attest that snacking is still very legal.

Wtf??
Do.you think the Op.can snack the autism out of her??