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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask 17 year old to bring some spending money

106 replies

Postbox123 · 10/07/2023 11:27

DS, aged 17, part time at college, part time job, earns around £600 a month . Everything paid for at home , driving lessons, meals out, lots of treats , although does buy his own clothes although I get pants etc as basics. Already had an all inc holiday at Easter, even his own room, didn’t ask for any contribution from him.
We are heading to Greece this week, self catering, eat out every day . I have asked him to bring £250 towards his spending money . It’s not a cheap area and he eats and drinks as a grown man . He’s fuming, saying this isn’t what he got a job for. Impartial views please as we can’t agree on this , he’s usually really great full and not a brat so im wondering if im in the wrong for thinking £25 a day is unreasonable.

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 10/07/2023 13:01

Mari9999 · 10/07/2023 12:41

@Postbox123
If I planned this as a family vacation , I would pay for every thing. The kids could bring whatever spending money they had and could or could not spend it as they saw fit. As long as they are full time students and it is a vacation that I planned, I would expect to cover everything including purchases and souvenirs.

I would not plan a family trip that I could not afford.

I’d say to pay for everything including purchases and souvenirs is the top end of the scale, surely you recognise that other people may not have the means to go all out in that way or just wouldn’t WANT to be the bank of mum and dad for literally anything their kids want to buy on their dime, and it’s not unreasonable to get young adults who are earning their own money to contribute in some small way? (Irregardless of what you would do yourself)

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/07/2023 13:01

Mari9999 · 10/07/2023 12:41

@Postbox123
If I planned this as a family vacation , I would pay for every thing. The kids could bring whatever spending money they had and could or could not spend it as they saw fit. As long as they are full time students and it is a vacation that I planned, I would expect to cover everything including purchases and souvenirs.

I would not plan a family trip that I could not afford.

Yeah keep paying for anything and everything he wants OP
he didn’t ask to be born!

lechatnoir · 10/07/2023 13:02

I think the crucial thing here is that he's only at college part time so is not in full time education and therefore should be contributing at home (especially if you no longer get CB). I wouldn't charge board until he's finished college but absolutely would expect a contribution towards spending money, unless you are very well off and are happy that he's not just spending all his money on rubbish.

beAsensible1 · 10/07/2023 13:04

I don't think kids under 18 or in education need to be paying rent.

Contributing towards his holidays is reasonable if you want them to, i definitely think its a personal choice.

What he does or doesn't have in his savings isn't really relevant tbh, i don't think its very nice to be pocket watching a 17 year old tbh. If you want him to contribute ask

Tighginn · 10/07/2023 13:04

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/07/2023 13:01

Yeah keep paying for anything and everything he wants OP
he didn’t ask to be born!

Show quote history

Seems like your still angry about your teenage years...

honeylulu · 10/07/2023 13:06

I know you say you discussed him bringing 200 spending before booking but was it clear that this was your proposed contribution to meal costs. Because a teen might have assumed it was his own spending money for incidentals. It may be a misunderstanding. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to have proposed it but if you didn't make it clear exactly what you meant then that is awkward. My parents persuaded me to come on holiday with them a couple of times as a student/ young adult because they wanted me there. Part of the persuasion was that it was all free (except spending money for going clubbing with my sister!) I might have been a lot less keen to say yes otherwise and would rather have stayed at home having the house to myself than put a chunk of my savings towards family meals out. I appreciate that sounds terribly selfish but teenagers do tend to be! (I'm much nicer now.)

Snugglemonkey · 10/07/2023 13:08

I think paying for his own souvenirs and alcoholic drinks is reasonable. I would not be expecting any money towards meals though, he is a dependant.

Original poster
Postbox123 · 10/07/2023 13:11

To clarify, no idea where the comments about booking a holiday we couldn’t afford or him having more disposable income came from, this is all very incorrect.
We certainly haven’t forced him to come, myself and his dad went on our own last February and he regretted not coming, so jumped at the opportunity to come at Easter and now . We have lots of friends in the area after years of travelling to the area . He goes off into town with mates after our family meal and drinks so I’d like him to contribute a small amount to a holiday he loves

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 10/07/2023 13:12

Tighginn · 10/07/2023 13:04

Seems like your still angry about your teenage years...

Show quote history

@Tighginn

yeah you got me!
not
i just think it really wouldn’t kill this to spend some of his own money on this holiday

Rhondaa · 10/07/2023 13:14

No I wouldn't expect one of our dc to pay for their own meals on a family holiday Confused.

I would suggest they bring pocket money for any treats at the airport or clothes etc they might want whilst there.

Seeline · 10/07/2023 13:14

lechatnoir · 10/07/2023 13:02

I think the crucial thing here is that he's only at college part time so is not in full time education and therefore should be contributing at home (especially if you no longer get CB). I wouldn't charge board until he's finished college but absolutely would expect a contribution towards spending money, unless you are very well off and are happy that he's not just spending all his money on rubbish.

OP says he is doing A levels so if he was studying those at a school sixth form, he would be in school full time. Colleges just arrange their students' time differently - eg no assemblies or timetables PE etc. S he is effectively still in full time education.

I think it is very odd to cover everything at home - bus fares, toiletries, clothes, meals out etc. And then expect a 17 yo to start paying for the family meals on holiday! Yes, it would be nice if he offered to buy a round of drinks or an ice-cream, but beyond that it seems a bit unreasonable.

Personally, I'd be encouraging to save as much as he can for uni.

Rhondaa · 10/07/2023 13:16

Snugglemonkey · 10/07/2023 13:08

I think paying for his own souvenirs and alcoholic drinks is reasonable. I would not be expecting any money towards meals though, he is a dependant.

Exactly! Oh but he earns a massive 600 quid a month. 'Make him pay his way innit' according to mn rulez.

Wonder if the op had him buying his own tea when he was at school doing a paper round.

Seeline · 10/07/2023 13:16

He goes off into town with mates after our family meal and drinks so I’d like him to contribute a small amount to a holiday he loves

I think it is reasonable for him to pay for his time in town with his mates. I wouldn't be covering that.

NotGotAClue1 · 10/07/2023 13:18

We used to go on holiday self catering when I was younger and I have to say I would have been a bit shocked if my mum and dad had asked me to bring my own money along. At 17 I think parents should be paying for meals on holiday.

Ibizafun · 10/07/2023 13:18

I don't blame him at all. I also don't know anyone who asks their 17yo for board. At 17 he's really still a child.. give him a break for a couple of years, he isn't lazy.

Thosepeskyseagulls · 10/07/2023 13:19

It’s not Ann unreasonable expectation at all, but I think you probably should have had that conversation with him when you booked the holiday and asked him if he wanted to come.

You could also just make it a lesson in independence and tell him he’ll be paying for his own food on the trip rather than setting a budget. Then if he wants to live on stuff he buys from the supermarket there, or order cheaper items on the menu, he can save some
money.

Butchyrestingface · 10/07/2023 13:21

When I say we cover all his basics, that includes season ticket for a premier league team , mobile phone, gym, all toiletries, food, takeaways and meals while at college/work .

Will you be my mummy? I am 44 but still...

Serena73 · 10/07/2023 13:22

I have a son older than yours, I now find that he will naturally contribute if he has money. In your situation, if I could afford it I would pay for the meals but expect to him to pay for any extra holiday shopping, unnecessary things etc. If I couldn’t afford it I think it’s fair to ask for a contribution, but you could ask him to pay for his own orders instead of a lump sum, either every day or sometimes. That will also help him to budget and understand the value of where his money is going.

Also, be mindful that it may be one of your last holidays together! My son hasn’t been on holiday with us since he was 18 and it’s something I miss.

MrsRachelDanvers · 10/07/2023 13:28

Did he actually want to go on a second family holiday? If he was persuaded to go, I can understand why he’s annoyed. If he were all for it, it’s cheap at the price-no way would he be able to go away for 10 days for £250.

Ponoka7 · 10/07/2023 13:29

This is why people grow up without any idea what it's like to struggle/work for things. I live in a deprived area, kids are on minimum wage jobs and get what they can afford. It's why they do drop sports etc (talked about in another thread) because they have to work. It is a 'check your privilege ' moment for him. Rather than buy a round/ice-creams, he'd be better moving towards independence by sorting his spending money. I hope that he pulls his weight at home because wages are for living costs and spare time means a level of grunt work, every adult has to do some housework.

MarlinsSpike · 10/07/2023 13:33

At 17 I wouldn't have wanted to go on a family holiday, especially if I had to spend any money.
Much preferred to stay home and spend my money on things I liked, going out with friends etc.

Mumski45 · 10/07/2023 13:33

DS1 (17) is just about to set off on a very expensive school trip. He has opened himself a starling account to get free transactions in foreign currency. When the time came for him to tfr money into the account he asked how much I was going to put in. I laughed and said nothing how much are you going to put in. He has had a part time job for a year and therefore has plenty of saving.

I think it's important that at this age they start to learn the value of money and so YANBU.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/07/2023 13:37

With your updates he’s in full time education (A levels)
I’d pay for his food on holiday but socialising like beers with mates I’d leave him to pay.

MyAnacondaMight · 10/07/2023 13:45

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to ask him to contribute to ice creams, but sounds like you’re not going about it the best way by telling him to bring a specific amount. If he’s an independent adult he can set his own budget.

Perhaps better to make clear that accommodation and meals are all on you, but that you’d appreciate the gesture of him buying a few ice cream/drinks rounds while you’re out there. See how that lands.

FastBlueHedgehog · 10/07/2023 14:00

How do you know how much he has in savings? Find it weird you expect him to pay his own way but you seem to be all over his finances. If you want them to grow up you can't manage his bank account. Both my DCs (16 & 18) have jobs and are in f/t education. I have no idea how much they have in their bank accounts - any more than my mum knows what's in mine. They are coming away with us for a week never crossed my mind to make them pay for food etc. I invited them so I will pay.