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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd (13) doesn't want to see mil (her grandparent)

85 replies

Harryyourenogoodalone · 09/07/2023 22:42

Dd has been saying consistently for over a year that she does not want to see mil and fil. Mil does not understand and is hugely insensitive to dd's health condition. Dd says mil doesn't like her and views her as second best to ds and her cousins (who are all in perfect health). Fil is ok and easier to talk to.

I am happy to support DD and am angry and upset for her that this keeps happening and have tried to fight her corner over the years. My only concern is that dd will regret this and feel guilty if fil and/or mil dies. I'm unsure whether DD has the full maturity to know the consequences of this decision and I'm worried about any impact on her.

But I'm more worried about the ongoing impact on her wellbeing to be made to see someone who makes her feel so bad about her health condition.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Lammveg · 09/07/2023 22:57

I'd support her. The fact that ILs may die might be seen as a guilt trip. You can always check in occasionally to make sure she hasn't changed her mind. I mean if they do die, all you can do is reassure she made the best decision for herself at the time.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/07/2023 23:01

It is not for a child to feel guilt over a grandparent. You should allow her to go NC and really it should be all children because she is abusive to one so why should any be around her being encouraged to think the second class citizening of their sister is ok?

Do it and be very clear with MIL why.

Original poster
Harryyourenogoodalone · 09/07/2023 23:05

I would do it to support DD. DH would not.

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/07/2023 23:06

Your DH can't make her go at her age and DH has a DM problem he needs to address firmly

Original poster
Harryyourenogoodalone · 09/07/2023 23:21

I'm not so worried about Mil. She's had endless chances to stop being so nasty about DDS condition.
My concern is DD feeling bad. DH can be manipulative and says I have twisted dd against mil. Now I'm worried that I have. I have agreed with DD and have supported her saying her feelings are valid. DH thinks I should have explained dmil s side to dd.
I'm so confused about it all.

OP posts:
Curseofthenation · 09/07/2023 23:24

What is MIL's side? How can anything explain away treating a grandchild badly due to a condition?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/07/2023 23:26

What side would be MILs side in this?!

Oh she's right though because you aren't what she wanted?!

You know you are right and really it's not worry for guilt for DD it's worry for grief from DH for you.

I suggest there are bigger problems if you don't feel heard or respected whilst trying to advocate for your child

Could you insist on counselling?

Original poster
Harryyourenogoodalone · 09/07/2023 23:27

Mil and DH say DD is over sensitive. That the comments aren't meant/ real.

I get the same about me for backing dd.

OP posts:
WineIsMyMainVice · 09/07/2023 23:28

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/07/2023 23:06

Your DH can't make her go at her age and DH has a DM problem he needs to address firmly

I don’t think op has said what age her DD is?

Original poster
Harryyourenogoodalone · 09/07/2023 23:29

She's 13

OP posts:
Landndialamrhf · 09/07/2023 23:31

So MIL is actually nasty about DDs health condition?

then no she shouldn’t be made to go and see her. Also one of her parents should be preventing another adult saying nasty things to her about her health. You (and dh) need to show her that’s not a behaviour she should expect, and that you support her. You (and dh) should be talking to her and DS about how inappropriate that is and unacceptable.

If DH is manipulative and doesn’t care about cruel things being said to his daughter, and is gaslighting you too, then that’s another issue as well.

junebirthdaygirl · 09/07/2023 23:32

Can dd see her at your house with you always there..never left on her own with her. But if she is actually saying things straight out to dd about her health issues and not just being a bit lacking in understanding she needs to be kept well away.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/07/2023 23:33

So your husband actively supports someone who bullies your child about their health condition?

it’s said often on here, but in your case you definitely do have a DH problem

Original poster
Harryyourenogoodalone · 09/07/2023 23:34

I feel like it's a DH problem. He's scared of his mum

OP posts:
ChocBananaSmoothie · 09/07/2023 23:36

She's 13 and MIL makes her feel bad enough that she doesn't want to see her. I'd support her. It's horrible to be made to spend time around someone who bullies you and told to deal with it because it suits one of your parents. She'll remember who supported her and who didn't. If MIL asks, she should be told the truth of why her GD doesn't want to see her. Maybe that will wake her up.

ChocBananaSmoothie · 09/07/2023 23:37

Harryyourenogoodalone · 09/07/2023 23:34

I feel like it's a DH problem. He's scared of his mum

So he expects his DD to deal with being bullied so he can be more comfortable? He needs to grow a spine and man up to stand up for his daughter.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/07/2023 23:39

@WineIsMyMainVice

Age is in title

Original poster
Harryyourenogoodalone · 09/07/2023 23:40

DH says this is my fault.
Because I've spent hours and hours listening to DD crying after spending time with them and agreeing that she shouldn't ever be treated inferior because of her health condition. I've stood up for dd.

DH says it's my fault that I've done this, that I should tell her to accept it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Harryyourenogoodalone · 09/07/2023 23:41

I think this might cause me to want to leave DH. I actually hate him for this. I really hate him.

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/07/2023 23:44

I'm sorry OP Flowers

Maybe he needs to hear that to realise?

Some of this seems to just need assertiveness and communication

Flossflower · 09/07/2023 23:44

Your poor daughter. It is not for your MIL or husband to say she is over sensitive. Support your daughter. I am a grandmother and I love my grandchildren the same regardless anything.

Flossflower · 09/07/2023 23:46

Of anything

Ottersmith · 09/07/2023 23:49

I think you should leave DH. Do what's best for your daughter.

justasking111 · 09/07/2023 23:50

Support your daughter. My mum was manipulative so we went NC. Tell your husband to stand up to his mother.

FictionalCharacter · 09/07/2023 23:53

Harryyourenogoodalone · 09/07/2023 23:34

I feel like it's a DH problem. He's scared of his mum

As always! But that isn't DDs fault and she shouldn't have to endure nastiness from her grandmother because of her father's weakness.
This idea that she might regret it when grandmother dies is nonsense. What exactly would she regret? Going to see the grandmother who doesn't like her and favours other grandchildren? She probably won't miss her at all. We don't miss and mourn nasty people just because we're related to them.