Dd (13) doesn't want to see mil (her grandparent)

[Harryyourenogoodalone]

Dd has been saying consistently for over a year that she does not want to see mil and fil. Mil does not understand and is hugely insensitive to dd's health condition. Dd says mil doesn't like her and views her as second best to ds and her cousins (who are all in perfect health). Fil is ok and easier to talk to.

I am happy to support DD and am angry and upset for her that this keeps happening and have tried to fight her corner over the years. My only concern is that dd will regret this and feel guilty if fil and/or mil dies. I'm unsure whether DD has the full maturity to know the consequences of this decision and I'm worried about any impact on her.

But I'm more worried about the ongoing impact on her wellbeing to be made to see someone who makes her feel so bad about her health condition.

What do you think?

Thank you. I'm feeling exhausted by it all today. Yet another strained visit when DD was tense and frustrated and I was trying to steer conversation into safe territory and defend DD that her condition is real. DH was oblivious and quite relaxed, happy even.

Dd came home and cried and Ds said he felt conflicted and uncomfortable. Both DC offload onto me and when I raised it with DH he blamed me.

You are really helping me, thank you. DH has made me doubt what's real and right.

Thank you for defending you child and making sure you’re doing what’s best for them. My parents championed me when I was younger, despite other family making me feel like I was faking my condition (undiagnosed back then but diagnosed now!) and I am so grateful as an adult as I don’t think I’d have coped without them. Support her in cutting out the toxic. I think right now, that’s the best for her MH. I hope she’s okay x

It's quite clearly there in the thread title

That's a lovely supportive post @Whapples thank you. Lovely to hear your parents supported you.
I don't want DD to look back and think I haven't supported her. She knows DH is weak about caring for her. But you've really convinced me that she needs my support and not peace keeping like wet lettuce.

This is heartbreaking. Your poor kids. I can't for the life of me understand how a parent can sit and watch happily while someone upsets their child. There's something very wrong with him if his love for his child is so heavily outweighed by his subservience to his old cow of a mother.
Don't take your daughter to see her ever again, and if your husband whinges, it's ultimatum time. You and the kids, or his mum.

Why have you continued to take your DD to their house when you know MIL is going to treat her like she does? This will have damaged both your children, your DS saying he feels conflicted sounds like he doesn't want to upset his dad. Your DH seemed 'happy' during the visit? It's a really fucked up dynamic OP. Really fucked up. I would have stopped visiting a long time ago and told all of them why. Your poor DD. I wouldn't be able to even look at my DH. If you don't want to leave (I would) then look up on how to be assertive. There's videos on YouTube that are really good.

I voted yabu. Just because I don't think polarising things is supportive or helpful of young developing mental health. If dd doesn't want to join when you visit that's ok to say yes to as she's 13 and old enough not to come. But to make a big song and dance of complete no contact is not helpful as it validates extremist and poor mental health behaviour. No one in good mental health needs to block people. You would be entrenching her poor mental health not helping her.

If MIL is the problem you should be supporting DD with the language, thinking and terminology for DD to manage meeting MIL by internally realising the problem is MILs not hers. Your DD will meet many people like this in her future life. You need to teach her how to deal with it given that tonnes of them will be at work.

How on earth have you missed the second word on the title?

What 'side' is that, exactly?

If it’s something along the lines of your daughter being diagnosed with ADHD and your old fart in-laws thinking that ADHD isn’t real then yeah, she should be allowed to choose not to be around them and your husband needs to handle his obnoxious mother. If your daughter does want to see them still then you could help her practice avoiding/dodging/deflecting any questions or comments about it. I’m guessing your MIL is the one bringing it up and pushing the issue.

If it’s something she hasn’t been diagnosed with yet then I would prioritize getting that done so that there’s no longer any question about it. What is your husband’s stance on it? If it’s something that he is also doubtful of then it’s really important to go down the medical route.

Op, trust your instincts. Good luck.

Of course your husband was oblivious and quite relaxed. He's quite happy letting his family be the buffer between him and his family, throwing them under the bus if you like, so he can be comfortable. You're his shields.

I think the shortest way to a happier homelife and a safer situation for your daughter is to step right out of your comfort zone and learn to be the bigger bitch. When your DH suggests visiting his family you just say “fuck no” and leave it at that. When he complains to you you just say “no, we are not going” when he says “what do I tell my parents “ you can offer helpful suggestions like “everyone can get fucked.” Etc…etc…etc… Learn your own power. You do not have to cede anything to these people.

You say your MIL does not understand your daughter's condition. I'm going to guess it's either mental ill health or autism. I'd say many older folk have little to no understanding of either so it's not surprising that's she's insensitive towards her. Has your husband explained to your mum how her condition impacts and suggested ways of communicating?
I wouldn't force her to see these grandparents and I think it's unlikely that she'll be rackedwith guilt when they die. Would having the ILs st yours (rather than visiting) make things easier? I think though you need to be realistic. If her conditions makes it difficult for your MILto build a bond it will be hard for her to love your child or feel the same way as she does towards the cousins.

Your husband is just like his mother, at least that is clear.

Protect your daughter, FFS. I'm struggling to understand how you have allowed this abuse to go on for so long. What does your MIL say to your daughter? What kind of psycho belittles a child over their medical condition?

Fucking hell. That poor girl. No one has been in her corner.

It seems to me that some straight talking is needed here OP. Have you actually said straight out to MIL 'please don't discuss the subject of DD's health with her, as it only upsets her?' If so, what sort of response have you had, if it's along the lines of 'oh, she's just being silly' then you should say 'you may think she's being silly, but she is really upset by the way you talk to her about it, and if you continue to bring it up, then I'll have no choice but to stop her coming to visit!' If you've done this, or did do it, how would your DH respond? If he backs his DM, then as others have said, it's a DH problem, and as you've said that you actually hate him, then I think in your shoes, I would seriously think about ending the relationship, as it doesn't sound healthy for any of you.

If they're not meant or real why does she need to keep making them? MIL and DH know these comments are hurting DD, the least they can do is stop saying & excusing these things. MILs a nasty bullies and your DD deserves better from her grandparent, but even more so she deserves better from her Dad. I went NC with a grandparent at 16, he died a coup years latwe and I have ZERO regrets. He was an abusive bully to my mum and wrote my brother off because he had SEN. I don't know how old your DS is, but he may well not want anything to do with MIL in future. I'd be making sure posion isn't dripped in his ear blaming DD for this. He needs to know that MILs behaviour is not ok and you 100% have her back with this. If that result in DH being angry because you're telling the truth about the situation so be it. The much more important thing here is that DD is protected and that MIL doesn't damage the relationship between her and her brother. I would be backing DD against DH too and making sure she knows it's not ok that he is excusing and minimising MIL behaviour.

Your MIL is a tread A bitch OP and your husband a spineless wimp for taking her side. Your DD should definitely go NC with her, and it sounds like you and DS should too.

And DD should absolutely not feel guilty if MIL dies. She should’ve been a nicer person when she was alive. She doesn’t deserve DD in her life.

OP, I had one DH like this. When I stopped trying to mediate and let him deal with the issues with his mother all alone, he decided to continue to stay comfortable by having nothing to do with her. MIL is just the same though. They are all about being comfortable. If that means staying away from each other, that's what they'll do rather than confront anything. I haven't had to see MIL for years now.

This. You are absolutely right in supporting your dd. Well done xx If you did otherwise you would lose the respect of both your children.
Your husband is a spineless bully and a crap father. Your MIL a judgemental bitch.

Are you sure you want to stay married to someone who would throw his own dd under a bus. I wouldn't.

MIL is a bully and it looks like DH is following in her footsteps.

@Harryyourenogoodalone I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this, and your husband is not supportive.

A personal anecdote for you:

My grandmother was not a nice person. She treated my dad like literal shit, and then when he got with my mum, she treated her like shit too. But when my parents broke up, my mum still made the effort to travel to see her, and sent her cards and gifts even though she was just horrible to her. Direct insults about how fat and ugly she was, and sorry she wasn't very successful either. That sort of shit.

She started to transfer that onto me as well. I graduated uni, bought a house, had TWIN baby boys....but I was fat. So worthless. And my poor boys - no one wants boys, they all want girls you know . Oh, and at my wedding? How beautiful my sister looked.

Anyway, about ten years ago my mum abruptly stopped engaging with her. It took my paternal grandmother making a nasty comment about my maternal grandmother (who'd died over 20 years before) for my mum to allow herself to set herself free. I'd been saying it for years - she owed her nothing.

I only saw her when I absolutely had to in group settings, and I have never felt guilty for that. I don't owe someone who is mean to me, any attention at all. And neither does your daughter. Shame on your husband for saying she should just grin and bear it when MIL is mean to her!

TL;DR: Your daughter doesn't owe your MIL anything at all. And your husband should be ashamed of himself.

I wish my parents had allowed me to go NC with my grandmother who consistently bullied me well into adulthood, but they were cowards.

My one granny used to get me alone and try to shame me. Thank goodness she didn’t live near us.
When I was 3 (!!) she waited until we were alone & told me I was too old for my security blanket, that only little babies had them. She made me feel terrible about myself.
Three yrs old.
When I was 8, she got me alone & tried to shame me over my little girl’s one-piece swim suit. Said it was too grown up, too sexy. For god’s sake I didn’t even know what “sexy” was.”, and besides, my mum bought it for me. It was a zebra print - I’ll never forget.

After that I just kept far away from her, never gave her an opportunity to get me alone again.
I didn’t shed a tear when she died.
Your daughter is perceptive, @Harryyourenogoodalone- support her.