Dd (13) doesn't want to see mil (her grandparent)

[Harryyourenogoodalone]

Dd has been saying consistently for over a year that she does not want to see mil and fil. Mil does not understand and is hugely insensitive to dd's health condition. Dd says mil doesn't like her and views her as second best to ds and her cousins (who are all in perfect health). Fil is ok and easier to talk to.

I am happy to support DD and am angry and upset for her that this keeps happening and have tried to fight her corner over the years. My only concern is that dd will regret this and feel guilty if fil and/or mil dies. I'm unsure whether DD has the full maturity to know the consequences of this decision and I'm worried about any impact on her.

But I'm more worried about the ongoing impact on her wellbeing to be made to see someone who makes her feel so bad about her health condition.

What do you think?

Yeah I wouldn't agree with pushing a person on another.. she's 12.. she has implemented a boundary.. disrespecting it and implying they are more important sets the precedent for future relationships.

She can backtrack later if she wishes.

I'd kick my partner out over this! Anyone who would make out my daughter is beneath another person is kicked to the curb. Her well-being and self confidence should be nurtured being disrespected by your own father.. sheesh

Also she needs to know discrimination against illness is a NO GO!! Even more so from family that should be treating her equal. Can't believe DH is trying to manipulate you and his own children for his own selfish wants. Disgusting

Well if your MiL doesn't mean the comments she shouldn't make them. If she knows your DD is a bit sensitive she especially shouldn't make them. Why should your DD have to visit a person that makes her feel shit? Your DH should be standing up to protect his DD like you are.

Your husband thinks you should tell your daughter it is ok for her own family to bully her???

LEAVE HIM

Could you send DH to visit his Mum alone? You and kids do something else.

You are bringing your children up to realise that grandparents get older and die, aren't you? It's what old people do. The number of "devastated" young adults who were apparently unaware of natural death, until it affects them, is staggering.

If your mil is unkind to your daughter then obviously don't force her to see her. Why would you deliberately expose her to unkindness, when - presumably - she lives in the real world and encounters it from time to time anyway.

You need to be matter of fact about everything.
Grandparents die.
Your mil isn't kind to your daughter so why bother forcing a relationship.
Some people have fantastic grandparents, others not so much. Plenty of other bonuses to grab hold of in life (if you live in a developed country).
Highlight the benefits of life and park the negatives you can't alter.

What is her condition? Your post doesn't really make sense unless we know what you're talking about.

Quite frankly, I would be looking to leave DH. This is emotional abuse and gaslighting. Get in touch with Women's Aid. Your husband's behaviour is appalling. It sounds to me as if your husband is ashamed of his daughter, too. He is using his mother as the ammunition because of your poor daughter health.

Of course it makes sense 🙄

it equally doesn’t matter

maybe she has a lazy eye, or an amputated leg, or sins bifida, or downs syndrome

doesn't matter a jot what it is - poor girl feels bullied and rejected by her own grandmother over it and shouldn’t be subjected to that

nosy

@JudgeRudy no it's not a condition that means she'd of course lovel dd less whatever the actual fuck that means.

I'm not going to share the condition.. I don't think you need to know what it is unless you're aching to make the ablest comment that @JudgeRudy makes.

Thank you to everyone else for all the supportive comments. It's causing so much conflict with DH and I genuinely can't look at him. I'm telling DD today she doesn't need to see her and I don't think she will regret it. Thank you for making me see that isn't a healthy way to make a decision.

Do not send your DD or DS into such a toxic situation. Cut off contact from your MIL and FIL now. If your husband wants to see them he can. He can also tell them that his children do not want to see them because of MIL's bullying.

@Greengagesnfennel your post mirrors what I am doing. I've tried to get her to see that it's grandma who's at fault not her by explaining that grandma is a real cow when people aren't what she wants. That's her problem not dd's. Sadly you are right. There's plenty of dicks around when it comes to these conditions and I've used it as an opportunity to explain how to handle it.

Dd rightly says she avoids these people so why should she see grandma.

For varying reasons my father and I aren’t close and as such has only met my 5.5 year old less than 10 times and my 21 month old twice as of last May (when they were 4.5 and 7 months).

5 year old DS has ASD and ADHD and last year whilst we visited them, after a tense 24 hours with my father (amongst others) telling DS he’ll have to ‘watch’ him, that I needed to “discipline the disability out of the little shit” and that these are made up excuses to explain bad parenting, we left and haven’t been back since.

Not only have we not been back, him and I haven’t spoken since and never will. DS is still (occasionally) worried by it and will say things like “my grandad is a horrible man”. We have told DS that he never needs to see him again and I absolutely will keep my word on that.

You absolutely should support DD to stay away from MIL, she’ll remember how she is made to feel forever and she’ll remember your support.

Sadly it seems you will also have to stand up to DH for her as well.

OP, you sound like a great mum.

I would also not let my child be treated so unfairly by a family member. Your DD is old enough to decide if she wants to see her grandparents or not. Your DH should be standing up for her. I am sorry he is failing her!

Your MiL and DH both sound really horrible. It doesn’t matter what condition your DD has, the only plain truth is that your DD is being bullied by your MIL. DD is crying and upset, she shouldn’t feel like this. Someone above the thread said that your DD might meet more people like this in her life and should learn how to cope with them . Yes, she will and one of the ways of coping with them is to report them for bullying and to exclude them from your life. It’s what your DD is rightly doing. She told you and DH about bullying and refuses to engage further with MIL. She is absolutely right in her approach. I bet your DH wouldn’t visit regularly someone’s who was bullying him so why DD should?

And tell him that of course MIL will die, it’s a circle of life. So she should start worrying now what she will leave behind.

What health condition has dd got? Not that it matters really, Tell Mil and H if the comments aren’t meant they need to stop making those ‘unreal’ not ‘meant’ comments. They are bullying a child.
Id also let H know his attitude to his dd is making you look at him in a new light and re-evaluating your feelings for him. instead of standing up to his mother to protect his child he’s in effect siding with her to protect himself from his mothers wrath. Setting her on fire to save himself Not an attractive feature in a parent.

Not only should you not make DD visit, but I am surprised you haven’t all stopped going out of solidarity. Although it sounds unlikely that DH would follow this path.

How often do you see her? It sounds like it’s quite often? Does DH organise it or do you? Obviously if the organisation is down to you, just stop.

However, rather than declaring a big ‘no contact’ war, I would be a be a bit more subtle.
‘MIL upset DD last time we went so I’m going to take her swimming on Saturday instead. DS, do want to go with DH or come with us?’

It may be that missing a few visits means that MIL starts realising that seeing her family is conditional on behaving nicely. At 13y, DD doesn’t have to make a decision to never see MIL again, but certainly doesn’t have to spend time in her company to be bullied.

Your dd does not have to accept criticism, comments or different attitudes because of her health condition. Your DH is wrong to say she has to accept it.
My mother used to make very passive aggressive comments about me, I remember her criticising me ( to my DH) after my first dc was born. When I got upset it was just ‘humour’ ‘ you can’t take a joke’. It’s very wearing and will damage your DD’s self esteem.
Your dd seems sensible, putting her boundaries in place. Let her make her choice. I’d also be watching carefully what mil says to your ds about his sister.

Your dd isn't going to regret that she didn't tolerate abuse from her grandmother. Tbh you should have stepped in when this abuse began but better late than never. There is no excuse for someone to act this way. Your h is being very unreasonable and wants her there so that his mother's venom is directed at dd rather than himself.
Is ds younger? He needs to be given an out too. Once your dd stops going, he's going to have to endure MIL saying even more horrible stuff about his sister.

If you and your h split in England, dd would be seen as old enough to decide that she would never see her father again if that's what she wanted. She shouldn't have been forced to endure this ordeal and well done for standing up for her.

I would stop taking either of the children to see your nasty MIL. You stay at home with them and do something else. DH can go alone and hard luck if he doesn't like that. He should have grown a pair and defended his DD well before now.

Don’t worry. She a great girl with good boundaries - you are not a nice person (mil) so I explained and have tried and you continue to be abusive so I’m not seeing you. I question why you and your DH and your other child are having contact with someone who abuses their child / sister.

My in-laws were horrendous to me (all unprovoked) my ex DH kept seeing them and they kept ranting about me - I wouldn’t let the child go. DH kept seeing them and wouldn’t stand up for me - he’s now an ex and the children don’t see his parents by court order.

Oh and my own abusive parents have used their ‘health’ to control me since they were 40 about how they will die soon - they are now in their 80s. Age isn’t a good reason.

@Harryyourenogoodalone how awful for your kids, and you.
Nobody should ever minimize your child's feelings, telling them they are 'sensitive ' is tantamount to 'there's nowt wrong with you, stfu ' imo. And your husband tells you the same. Gaslighting bollocks.
They clearly don't give a fuck about the wellbeing of your children.
Ostracising one child DEFINITELY affects other children in the family (from my own very difficult experience)
Sounds like you're ready to say ENOUGH!
Good for you 🌺

OP I'm with you.
It's also really important that when a child expresses a boundary that we support them, erosion of boundaries and what is acceptable is not healthy especially for young girls.

Your DH sounds like a dick.

Why can't he explain MiL's side to his daughter?

Is there a chance that your H (minus the "D") agrees with your MIL's comments or at least sees her point of view?