Dd (13) doesn't want to see mil (her grandparent)

[Harryyourenogoodalone]

Dd has been saying consistently for over a year that she does not want to see mil and fil. Mil does not understand and is hugely insensitive to dd's health condition. Dd says mil doesn't like her and views her as second best to ds and her cousins (who are all in perfect health). Fil is ok and easier to talk to.

I am happy to support DD and am angry and upset for her that this keeps happening and have tried to fight her corner over the years. My only concern is that dd will regret this and feel guilty if fil and/or mil dies. I'm unsure whether DD has the full maturity to know the consequences of this decision and I'm worried about any impact on her.

But I'm more worried about the ongoing impact on her wellbeing to be made to see someone who makes her feel so bad about her health condition.

What do you think?

What could he possibly say that would make treating a child inferior over a health condition all right?

If a parent and a child old enough to know and understand their condition wouldn’t allow strangers to do it, why should a family member?

I think having no relationship is better than having a crap relationship personally. My mil can be very abusive and was violent to me and my son and dh just stood and watched silently. So I know how you feel.

It is not the child’s responsibility to manage the adult relationship.

You are doing the right thing in separating your daughter from bullying adults.

@Greengagesnfennel - your comment "No one in good mental health needs to block people" is absolutely untrue.

There are plenty of nasty, nasty people out there that people might need to block in order to maintain good mental health.

If the OP's daughter feels that the woman that is her grandmother (and if she wasn't actually related to probably would not want to have her in her life) needs to be blocked, then she needs to be blocked.

There are loads of people that if we weren't related to them, we probably wouldn't welcome them into our lives, because of the buttons they push and the anguish they cause. It's the fact that they are related to us makes it more awkward to block them but in some cases, it is vital and necessary to do that.

@Harryyourenogoodalone - If you can, have a serious discussion with your DH about how his mother treats his daughter. Tell him that you're no longer going to be lining any of your children up to be his mother's punch bag and that he is free to visit his mother but it will be without you and without the children. No compromise on this. You can change how you react to someone and this is you doing that. If your DH choice is to line his kids up to be some sort of emotional punch bag for his mother, then you have to step in here and put a stop to that. I think if you decided to stop going, over time he might stop too. I'd even consider moving out with the kids as I don't think your DH 'gets' how serious this matter is.

I’m not sticking up for DH when I say this, but if he’s been subjected to this sort of treatment since he was a child himself, is there a chance he’s been conditioned to it and doesn’t actually realise how abusive it is, he just thinks that’s normal? It would go some way to explain why he thinks you’re over reacting?

you’re doing the right thing in protecting your daughter, she shouldn’t be coming home crying after an encounter with family fgs, I wouldn’t make a big deal of it though, just stop going for a while, mil needs to at least recognise the harm she’s doing in the relationship by making her feel inferior, and if she won’t then that’s on her, there should be no guilt for anyone else.

have you witnesses this treatment first hand? Have you ever pulled up you mil on it?

Do you think that maybe DH also minimizes DD’s medical condition? It seems to be that if he “got it”, he’d say something in defence of DD. Have had similar with my DH. Also a continuing source or tension 22 years down the track.

This!! This is a very fine way to cope with it!

The grandparents will die at some point as we all will but that is not a reason to make dd feel guilty. Dh needs to sort his judgy parents out and you need to consider a life without these nasty people.
Do it for dd, she will thank you, you already have her back and that's great. Go one step furthur, just because you are related doesn't mean you have to get on with people.
Dh and me are nc with most of his family and that suits us just fine because several members are aseholes.
Life is so much better without the dramas.

It sounds like nasty mil bullied your dh so now he has issues standing up to her bullying.
This is exactly the reason this behaviour has to be halted and you go nc because mil is trying to do same to your dc.
Easy to say from the outside. But clear as day when you're not in it.
You say you are totally siding with dd . Do this. Protect her from mil at all costs.

Too true

*There are plenty of nasty, nasty people out there that people might need to block in order to maintain good mental health.

If the OP's daughter feels that the woman that is her grandmother (and if she wasn't actually related to probably wouldnotwant to have her in her life) needs to be blocked, then she needs to be blocked.

There are loads of people that if we weren't related to them, we probably wouldn't welcome them into our lives, because of the buttons they push and the anguish they cause. It's the fact that they are related to us makes it more awkward to block them but in some cases, it is vital and necessary to do that.*

For dd now early 20s it is her own father / my ex.
since age 12 . she also has health issues.
Exp tries to push, tries to get his own therapists involved, with madcap ideas like he is going to buy her a puppy ... total lack of respect for boundaries. ( she doesnt want a puppy, cannot have in this flat, will consider rescue older dog or greyhound when move to place with garden - "no she needs one a small puppy i decide " is his answer...)