To dread weekends with young kids?

[escapingthecity]

4yo and 1yo. I barely get to do anything I want to do at all at weekends. For example:

• kids up around 6 like every other day of the week so no chance to have a lie in or catch up on sleep
• breakfast the usual bunfight so time to enjoy a longer cup of tea or read the paper as I used to
• spend the whole church service in Sunday school rather than in the service participating in worship
• visit playgrounds and parks rather than the galleries and museums I love
• 1yo won't settle in the evening without me (still BF) so can't go out for dinner/to the cinema
• never get to enjoy mealtimes because always up and down sorting kids
• taking them swimming just splashing about, not the long lane swims I love to do

I long for the rare occasions when we manage to get them down for a tandem nap.

It's the bit about a child free life I miss most. I feel like I never get to choose what I would most like to do any more. It's always about the kids.

When does it get better?

It’s gets easier op.
and it is not selfish to have these thoughts when everything you do revolves around the dc. Ignore the thought police.

soon the 4yo will be at school. I found it got better at that point. Mainly because that’s when you do create the connections with other parents and they get a little more independent . At 4 I feel they are at that stage where they benefit from having more going on in their life. I didn’t enjoy the baby years. Now school age and teenage years I have loved.

@escapingthecity I wrote a long post with suggestions of how to
improve things or how to get through the early years, but I’m not sure you need to read that.

Maybe what you need is someone to say, yes, it IS really shit and boring at times and you do feel the pre-child ‘you’ withering away and disappearing. But it really DOES get better, and you do come back to yourself. It’s okay to feel fed up and miss your old life. I promise it will improve eventually.

I get this. I feel like we had to tag team out of necessity with a plan to rebuild our own relationship later.

I hear you OP. No advice just solidarity. Can't wait for the weekends to be over which is awful. It's just one big slog of making a mess of the house, playgrounds, walks soft play etc. Totally get why you wouldn't want to leave your partner alone and vice versa. Mine are 2 and 5.working full time too, but school holidays off

Also this kind of post really isn’t helpful. I only have one child and I found it very hard at times. You didn’t, hooray for you. Maybe there are some things I or the OP can do easily and you can’t. We’re all different, with different abilities and tolerances, and at different points in our lives. Offer a shoulder to
cry on, offer solutions or suggestions, but don’t plop onto the thread to say ‘Why are you struggling, I didn’t!?’

We go to church too OP, and have a very active 4 year old DS. We found a CofE parish church which does a monthly all age service, and in general is very relaxed if DC make noise. They have a carpeted area and set out colouring and toys for the DC, but it’s in the church, so we get to have half an ear out on the service, and at least take communion. It is hard trying to keep them still and quieter in church though; we’ve relaxed a bit about not making it there every week if needs be, and have accepted getting to sit through a whole service is unlikely for a few years.

I would recommend sleep training your children. It’s not too late and it will change your life. We did it at 7 months because I was going out of my mind and DH was frankly useless and it really is a game changer.

When DS was little we, like you, both used to get up with him as it was too hard 1 on 1, and I needed company after mat leave all week. Now we alternate lie ins (not mega late, but a bit more sleep). Could you try that plus ear plugs?

Do you have any family nearby who’d take them for the occasional overnight or afternoon?

Our other coping mechanism is to not be at home too long each day. We don’t have a big house and only a small courtyard garden so we alternate beach, park, National Trust garden, soft play, extra curricular activity (get 4 year old doing swimming or Little Kickers etc), out on bikes/baby in toddler seat or trailer, country walk (short, circular), picnic or walk in the woods.

You’re in the thick of it now but it will get easier. Do the sleep training.

Very soon.

in a blink of an eye it’ll all be over and you’ll be sobbing yourself to sleep wondering where your babies went and mourning the loss.
these babies you have right now won’t be here forever so cherish their cute chubby cheeks and innocent little faces because they’ll be gone soon.

I don’t want to single anybody out in particular but I do remember one poster who has been pretty relentless posting ‘advice’ on this thread about how to be a perfect parent has had a fair few tearing her hair out threads in her time.

I honestly think people forget very quickly how exhausting and demanding children of this age can be, and assume that the parent is doing something ‘wrong’. I have a child who is two years and seven months. For the most part, he’s lovely: eats well, sleeps well and he isn’t prone to being whiny or demanding as a rule. But he can throw some pretty epic tantrums which is completely normal for this age! He also is at that age of insisting on doing things himself, which isn’t always practical and that causes a clash - added to the fact we’re phasing the nap out and life can be fun sometimes!

Yet MN would have you believe that’s your own poor parenting and it really is a shitty thing to do. It puts the poster on the defensive and makes them feel bad for having a child who is just a normal child. No, my two year old won’t sit quietly while I drag him round an art gallery, funny that!

Anyway, solidarity from me, @escapingthecity . I am nearly 39 weeks pregnant and I know next time I see a beautiful newborn nestled in their mothers arms quietly I shall kick myself and remind myself that they morph into terrible twos, threenagers and (new phrase I learned!) fuck you fours! Maybe five will bring respite …

What helps me and my DP is giving each other that long lie at the weekends. So for example, he'll take Saturday & I'll take Sunday.

We always encourage each other to do something for ourselves at least once a week. Even for a few hours. Sometimes my DP will go to costa, watch a podcast or catch up with a friend. I'll do the same. Get my nails done, hair done, gym etc. it's so so important to take time for yourself.

Run yourself a nice long bath this week once kids are in bed, listen to a podcast or read a book. Have your favourite snack & watch a film in bed.

X

So anyone who doesn't claim to find every second scintillating and full of rainbow coloured joy shouldn't have kids? Presumably anyone who ever moans about their husband should just not have got into a relationship?

Yeah, I tried that. Now I'm a Beaver Leader. And he's going up to Cubs and I still have to go to Cub Camp cos of his additional needs AND Beaver camp 😂

@Theonlyreason I know this sounds like a stupid question but what are your kids generally doing when you get the time to yourself?!

I am in the thick of it with a 2 and 4 year old similar to the OP.

I can't imagine getting lots of time to myself ever again! Help

@warmmfeet

Well, for a start they all love lie ins now their older. When they wake up they’ll just chill on their phones, go on their playstations, make themselves breakfast, they just potter about. It’s all a good balance as they do lots of activities and sport and I am still nurturing but life is SO different now. My husband has always been hands on but small children are just relentless and you do get less time for you. Honestly I am so glad I had my children but life is a lot better now. My son who’s nearly 14 is also a joy and very independent.

@warmmfeet

Oh and my daughter always makes me a cup of tea in bed on a Sunday (as she likes one herself).

@warmmfeet

They are calmer and don’t really require my assistance on a Sunday. They can entertain themselves .

I’ve had a full on week at work and last weekend we took them all to a festival so today I had a “me day”. Where I just do my own thing. They can also be left alone whilst I pop to the shops or sometimes me and my husband have lunch out. You’ll appreciate these days more when they come back, which they will.

Comments like this are so unhelpful. Mine is now in junior school. I have never sobbed myself to sleep wishing she was younger or wished she was a baby again or mourned those early years. I am just thankful they're over as it was so hard. And seemed to last such a long time. It's a lot more fun and much easier having an older child.

Lots of people don't enjoy the baby/toddler/preschool years. They're hard and relentless.

I clicked on this post to say I totally understand what you are going through, and was quite surprised at some of the more unhelpful posts.

Maybe your kids are more active now/less able to sit and wait like others so it’s harder for you. We can’t know. I think everyone goes into parenting knowing it’s going to be hard….we don’t always know HOW hard it’s going to be.

I have kids older and also at the same age as yours OP. The older one was a nightmare when small, just like my younger ones are now. He’s a dream now (also neurodiverse and gifted so needs constant stimulation). Some kids are just hard work when they are small. My kids can be at nursery the whole day, no nap and come home and play for hours without being exhausted. It can be really isolating when no one else can relate.

Our kids are all different, so are we. We can all struggle at different moments. Just hang on in there and know it does (eventually) get easier.

@RidingMyBike

I hear you. Overall I did enjoy it (although there’s an element of rose tinted specs going on here) but would I go back? Absolutely not. Not in a million years. I’m worrying about my year 6 waking to school on her own tomorrow for her secondary transition so it’s no bed of roses but good god, life is still easier now by a long, long shot.

@Theonlyreason thank you 😊 just so hard to visualise rn.

Ha yes I read this advice and would also give it a great big caveat of - “ but only if you DON’T get roped in becoming a Beaver leader!”. We have a group camp soon - DH will have a lovely quiet weekend with eldest at camp with Cubs and me and youngest with the Beavers!

YANBU at all OP. Mine are this sort of age and I hate weekends. My advice, fwiw:

Eldest to have "quiet time" in their room if not napping. NOT WITH THE IPAD. Colouring, Lego, whatever. Start with ten minutes and work your way up. When they have done that they can watch some TV. My five year old does an hour now - reads a book, chills etc while siblings nap. Send them up with a clock and show them where the big hand should be.

easy meals. Literally a big pot of pasta with cucumber sticks on the side, or a ready meal, or an oven pizza - whatever represents the least stress. One of you wrangle kids, the other get the meal ready and go through the eleventy billion things you normally get up for - bibs? check. Water? Check. Cutlery? Check. And so on.

Find playgrounds etc that you like/ hate the least. I regularly go to one in Shitsville south London because they have a coffee cart there. If all else fails, I'll have had a decent coffee. Likewise a museum with a Gails nearby, a museum with a nice view of the river, whatever.

Sleep train. If not now, when?

Agree a certain amount of free time with your OH and stick to it - every other weekend one of you get the afternoon to do your own thing or whatever.

You're back at work now, would it be possible to swim in your lunch break, or whiz round a gallery? Or even nap if you work from home.

Or perhaps take a couple of days annual leave to refill your cup.

Otherwise, you definitely need to cut the BF and tagteam with your partner, as others have said. Good luck!

I think you both need to build your resilience in having both at once. For alternate lie ins, and so that even if it was only one Saturday afternoon a month you take 3 hours and go out to do something nice like an art gallery in peace. If you never meet your own needs/ fill your cup you wont be able to enjoy your time with them. A big factor is the not sleeping, there are many methods of night weaning. That could really help with enjoying the kids :)

I totally agree with this and I can't think of any life choices apart from motherhood that attract as much of this "you made your bed so lie in it" commentary.

I think every mother should read "My Stuggle Book 2: A Man in Love by Karl Ove Knausgard, it's a sort of high concept arty memoir, but at it's heart it's just a description of life looking after small children, and the way he makes it sound like this tragic, epic story of hard times just makes me feel like this is the difference between men and women, because when this thing happened to him (he has kids in Sweden, so gets a genuine near equal share of childcare to do) he can write about the difficulties with authority because people listen and take him seriously, while women are just expected to get on with it. The book irritates me and makes me feel vindicated in equal measure. I can't recommend it highly enough.

It's a lot more fun and much easier having an older child.

😂😂😂