To dread weekends with young kids?

[escapingthecity]

4yo and 1yo. I barely get to do anything I want to do at all at weekends. For example:

• kids up around 6 like every other day of the week so no chance to have a lie in or catch up on sleep
• breakfast the usual bunfight so time to enjoy a longer cup of tea or read the paper as I used to
• spend the whole church service in Sunday school rather than in the service participating in worship
• visit playgrounds and parks rather than the galleries and museums I love
• 1yo won't settle in the evening without me (still BF) so can't go out for dinner/to the cinema
• never get to enjoy mealtimes because always up and down sorting kids
• taking them swimming just splashing about, not the long lane swims I love to do

I long for the rare occasions when we manage to get them down for a tandem nap.

It's the bit about a child free life I miss most. I feel like I never get to choose what I would most like to do any more. It's always about the kids.

When does it get better?

@bumblebee2235 Sunday school is the alternative to the service. We alternate and it was DH's turn to go to the service this week. The kids enjoy it. I do not.

@onlylovecanhurtlikethis it's the writing off I'm struggling with atm. I haven't stopped wanting to do the things I love because I'm a mother - and I did enjoy having the freedom to do them when I was on mat leave and they were tiny and portable. Now I've been back at work for a while, I'm struggling a bit with being consumed by the children's needs when I'm not working. (Probably related: the 1yo has never slept through the night and it's been 2 years since I've had a decent night's sleep when the crappy pregnancy sleep is included. I am so tired.)

If you have a partner I’ve no idea why you’re claiming you can never catch up on sleep. Why can’t he look after his own children for the morning?
It sounds like you’re being overly negative and making your life more miserable. Why can’t you have a cup of tea and read the paper while they eat their breakfast? And while they potter around with their toys after?

Again why can’t you alternate the Sunday school?

I think you need to split up for a bit, even if it’s only alternative weekends.

Could one of you do Sunday school and the other one go to the service (or go for a swim and worship in the week).

Could you set up an activity and then take it in turns to go out?

Also what do you do with your weekdays, could you take it in turns to do something on say a Tuesday evening? Or one of you do breakfast and the other donan early swim. Or even just a quick swim once they’re in bed?

Really what you’ve described is pretty normal and it will get a bit better as they get older (unless you have more children) but really my kids are 5-10 years older and I still spend most of my weekends doing kids stuff. I’m very aware though that overall it’s a short period of my life and I know I can have plenty of time for hobbies and culture in the long term, thinking this definitely helps!

As you don't know if your kids are religious yet, why don't you take it turns to attend church on your own?

You should alternate lie-ins, even if it's an hour each.

Find a reliable babysitter and go out together once a month!

Take it turns to have 2 hours to yourselves on Saturday afternoons.

It's hard but it definitely gets better.

I have to admit I just always take mine to the activities I want to do. Museums? That's fine they enjoy that as long as we stop for a snack or ice cream or something and visit the interactive parts.

Swimming? Go with DH and take turns having the last 20 minutes doing lengths.

Mine even love going to lunch with the girls, some colourings and food they like and they're happy enough. So there's not much I'm not able to do. I've just adjusted my expectations of what those activities look like.

And if I want something kid free they just stay with DH.

I think you have to learn to enjoy things in a different way.

I think you are putting false obstacles in the way a bit. It doesn't matter if you don't go back to sleep on a lie in - luxuriate in being alone in bed and listen to an audio book. With them being too demanding to be alone with 2, you need to get over this. I bet they would become a lot less demanding if their wants are not always met when they are sharing the one parent. It's nuts that one of you doesn't take both children at once.

My god there are some martyrs on this thread. I hate the idea that when you have kids your life stops entirely and you cannot have any time to yourself until they’re 10.

make plans and alternate with your husband. Go swimming after work

BF wean and sleep train. It doesn’t have to be like this!

While the weather is good it’s gorgeous having small kids. In the garden all day, digging, doing little jobs, planting seeds, getting muddy, watering the plants. You don’t really need to entertain them. Mealtimes outside are ten times easier.

It is tiring, especially when the sleep is crappy. But these days with young children who are so excited about the world are really special. If you really can’t ever be on your own with both kids, then can you reframe it a bit and think about it as putting the stuff you love on pause for a little while? As they’re in the habit of trips to galleries and the theatre, as they get older they’ll be able to do more stuff that is geared towards you and your DH. So that stuff is an investment.

Otherwise, can you let your 5yo be bored every now and then, find a babysitter for a monthly date night, and I agree with ditching the bedtime feed. My bottle refusing DD loves the munchkin straw bottles. I thought that she’d go nuts when we dropped the bedtime feed but she didn’t even notice! It may be a lot more painless than you think. And now I can go out once a week while DH does bedtime, and do something which is good for my soul. Meaning I enjoy the days with DC even more.

Take them to museums r galleries fgs, of nothing else theirs acres of space for them

The reason children are getting less resilient is because parents pander to them and try to entertain them every waking second.

Children should be allowed to be bored so they can develop their own imagination, creativity and coping skills. They’ll whinge a bit, yes. Ignore.

I say you need to chill out and adopt a bit of the old ‘benign neglect’ school of parenting. Your kids will become independent little stars and you will get some time and head space back.

It is hard at weekends with small kids as it's so relentless but you can make it easier.

Groclock - set for 7.30am and anyone up before that gets marched back to bed. We introduced it at 18mo and it made a big difference.
BFIng - you can BF longterm but not feed to sleep/have them reliant on it. I BF to 3.5 years but alternated bedtime with DH so she wasn't always BF then.
Church - I found this difficult as DH isn't Christian but if you both go then alternate who goes out with the kids. It is utterly marvellous when they're older and just go out though!
Other activities - tag team who does what so you both get a break. Look at it over a month and then split it up so equal amounts of 'time off'.

Swimming - I just tolerate the hanging around in tepid water being shrieked at. I now go lane swimming on my own before work once a week (pool opens at 6am and DH can deal with getting DD up and dressed).

Museums and galleries - go to the kid events at these. Gives you an idea what's there. If it looks worth a second look book a day of annual leave and go on your own when kids at school/nursery. I do this 2-3x per year now.

If you have a partner I’d discuss that you need a break, you need an afternoon to yourself of a weekend - either partner takes the kids out of the house or he stays with them and you go out for a few hours.
Im guessing the BF is a massive hinderance in getting back your free time so weaning off is of the upmost importance.

And set things up with your partner so you both get something like one completely childfree day at weekends a month, or two half days, or whatever works for your family. That then gives you the opportunity to have a lie in, meal out with friends, go to an exhibition or swimming or whatever.

Ah op it does get better. You are in the trenches, losing your sanity and slowly losing your sense of self and self worth. I've been there. Mine are ten and seven now and it's much better. I can leave them to get on with what they want to do and play with them occasionally but don't have to be around them always. My youngest has autism so it took longer than normal and we still don't go out much because he struggles. My boys know how to turn on the switch and where the fruit bowl is so we actually can get a lie in on the weekend. And we now book weekends away separately to get a break as they are much easier to handle. It gets better. I promise.

How is this at all helpful. Even with all the advice, insight and foresight we now have access to it's never possible to determine the exact way parenthood or rather motherhood will affect us. Even if some of us knew from the jump it would be difficult it would be damaging to suggest it's a negative to feel bad for finding parts of motherhood extremely hard to deal with, even if those parts are a relative trivial aspect of parenting.

Op you are at the coal face atm. I’m a bookish gallery-loving introvert and the gentle relentlessness of parenting was the thing I found the hardest… until they reached the teen years that is 😀😀😉

It does get better.

In a few years time you can enrol your dc in some sort of gym or dance class or creative activity on Saturday mornings
(physically active best to wear them out) and you and your dh can take them together and then go and have some free time either together or separately. It’s not long but it’s predictable and you can look forward to it every week.

And once the dc are at school, you are freer to a degree, although the school day is short.

In the meantime, could you save up for a fortnightly baby sitter to come during the day at weekends for 3 to 4 hrs to give yourself a break?

And definitely start networking and building up that group of supportive mum friends with whom you can have fun and who can be there for you in a child care emergency and vice versa.

I can honestly say that I love our weekends with our kids. I've always been playful though so I want to go to fun parks, playing in the pool, getting up early.

I don't miss our old life, this is just a different kind of fun.

You'll eventually get your life back if that's what you want but maybe try to change your perspective a little bit for now.

Also, forgot to add … please remember that not everything you do with the dc has to be attuned solely to their interests and needs. Yes of course some of it does. But young dc are adaptable and I suddenly had a revelation with them one day that they could enjoy and join in with the things that I find entertaining; such as various arts and crafts. It’s not easy with a one year old but it will get easier as your dc grow!

And so many art galleries in uk have child related activities organised now. It’s not the same as having peace and quiet to yourself but it’s something.

When the kids were younger we used to eat once they were in bed some of they time. At 4 they still had a 7/7:30 bedtime so we’d eat afterwards. This meant that we could talk to eat other and actually eat. It also meant we could eat stuff the kids wouldn’t like e.g a spicy curry etc.

I agree with this too, take your kids where you want to go.

Finally, gave you tried large cardboard boxes and dens etc?

Collect a large cardboard box from a white goods or bike shop and draw on doors and windows and cut a small opening. Hours of fun!

When they are older do the same with dens and tents made with ladders and duvet covers. Again, very absorbing play for little ones. But your youngest has to grow a little yet …

Would you consider a play den for them in the meantime? It might give you the odd ten minute reprieve.

I hear you OP.

I know it isn’t forever and that’s what keeps me sane but I do find weekends quite relentless. My toddler is at that funny stage where he sort of needs the nap and sort of doesn’t so have a bad tempered child to manage in the afternoon when he can be awful! I have to remind myself he’s just tired. I do look forward to lazy Sunday mornings again and they will come and for you too.

Time/freedom for yourself increases gradually, until then you just need to find the hacks which work for you and prioritise really fiercely.

Am a lone parent of two (not especially placid) and honestly baffled by people who claim they/partner can't take turns to have both and get a break. I just can't imagine feeling that way about it.

I bf both of mine for many years and I don't agree with pp that you necessarily need to stop the bedtime feeding in order to have an evening off. Babies and toddlers adapt to other caregivers. I had the odd evening out, and even sleepovers, when they were still feeding at bedtime, feeding to sleep, feeding through the night. They were fine, and I'm glad to have let them self wean whilst also finding a bit of space for myself when needed. Others prefer to do some form of weaning, also fine.

I do occasionally yearn for a proper pre-child weekend, with my time my own and being able to spontaneously do whatever I fancy at whatever pace I like, without attending to anyone's needs but my own and without watching the clock or feeling guilty for putting myself first or whatever. But not often.

Sleep does help, for sure. My 5yo still disturbs me more often than not in the night, though, and after so many years of broken nights it doesn't feel a huge deal any more.

Welcome to parenthood. Think this is just how it is
My 3.5 yr old has never sleep through. I haven't had a Night out since he was born either
U have to find enjoyment in doing things with them, and unfortunately that won't be art galleries or restaurants for a while.
I just expected that things like that had to be shelved for some years, I don't miss them because I wanted and tried for a child for so long