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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dread weekends with young kids?

131 replies

escapingthecity · 09/07/2023 13:50

4yo and 1yo. I barely get to do anything I want to do at all at weekends. For example:

  • kids up around 6 like every other day of the week so no chance to have a lie in or catch up on sleep
  • breakfast the usual bunfight so time to enjoy a longer cup of tea or read the paper as I used to
  • spend the whole church service in Sunday school rather than in the service participating in worship
  • visit playgrounds and parks rather than the galleries and museums I love
  • 1yo won't settle in the evening without me (still BF) so can't go out for dinner/to the cinema
  • never get to enjoy mealtimes because always up and down sorting kids
  • taking them swimming just splashing about, not the long lane swims I love to do

I long for the rare occasions when we manage to get them down for a tandem nap.

It's the bit about a child free life I miss most. I feel like I never get to choose what I would most like to do any more. It's always about the kids.

When does it get better?

OP posts:
anothermansmother · 09/07/2023 16:40

It will get easier. It's hard when your in amongst it, my youngest didn't sleep through until she started school. I BF until each of mine were 3, thought the night wakings would stop when weened no such luck. No sleep makes you drained, and it's probably making you feel like your losing another bit of you, you're not it's temporary.
Allow yourself some time, you do have to plan it in advance, use a holiday day/ afternoon/morning, put them in nursery and have time for yourself. I used to have to do this as a lone parent.
Ask friends/family if they can watch them for a couple of hours. Although you've said you're in a new city so it makes it harder.
I'm on the opposite end now with a 16 and 13 year old, I'm either mums taxi and youth club or like today sat in peace.

Astrid101 · 09/07/2023 16:41

Are there any child friendly museums you can visit to mix things up of a weekend, especially with your eldest?

Once baby is weaned off night feeds could you have mealtimes staggered, so children eat earlier and then you and your hubby can have a quieter mealtime once they’re in bed? Even if it’s only a couple of nights each week. (I appreciate that this may not work for everyone, but in my family 8pm dinner is the norm.)

BertieBotts · 09/07/2023 16:42

I have similar age gap, mine are almost 2 and almost 5 now.

I have developed an extremely heavy sleep ability Grin but also whoever's turn it is to get up does try to get up and get the DC into another room to minimise noise and discourage noisy play. I think you can work together on this.

Can you start taking them to galleries and museums just for a shorter time, or ones geared up to children? This way they get to learn what's appropriate/expected and you can work up to longer times. Or just take the 4yo and leave the 1yo at home. I like doing all the parks, kiddie pool, etc but it's no use if you're not getting any chance to do what you like to do AT ALL ever.

My youngest has recently started to be easier to put down in the evening. When he was younger he was a nightmare. I did used to go out anyway, but not that often as I felt bad. Probably max once every couple of weeks, although in reality it was probably once every 3-4 months it's just they tended to happen in clusters. I would really like to join a choir which meets every 2 weeks but I want to get him more settled in the evenings first.

Mumsday · 09/07/2023 16:44

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 09/07/2023 14:42

Both of us find it really hard being on our own with the two of them as they are both very demanding

They aren't demanding. They are just young children. I see so many posts these days about parents being unable to cope with more than one child on their own and have to admit to find it baffling but then again I'm a single parent to 3 young children around the age of your 2.

You kind of have to right off things you want to do and enjoy when you go into having children - maybe for just a few years if you are lucky and have a hobby they enjoy or much longer if you have to wait until they can be left alone if it's things they are likely to find...boring....like church services and galleries and museums and lane swimming 😳

I agree.

What’s this thing where neither parent can manage 2 kids on their own? 🤔 They’re kids, not Tasmanian devils.

When I had 3 DC under 5 my DH worked many weekends and I had to manage them by myself. It’s really not that hard.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2023 16:45

escapingthecity · 09/07/2023 14:28

@RumAndReisling has always refused a bottle, or we'd have done it by now.
@Sceptre86 it was much easier with one. We'd alternate much more, and he took a bottle and slept through the night from 9mo. Both of us find it really hard being on our own with the two of them as they are both very demanding so I think we are reluctant to go out more as we know that the one left behind will have a very difficult and exhausting time.

Sorry but unless there's medical issues with you / DP you just need to get I with it. I'm not unsympathetic, I have an 8 yo and two 3 yo. We both get weekends away let alone lie ins, a swim, a trip to the museum (take the kids to the museum!).

Mumsday · 09/07/2023 16:46

Also wondering why so many people seem to have ‘very demanding’ and ‘high energy’ kids these days.

Sorry, but I think to a certain extent your kids are what you make them.

Nordicrain · 09/07/2023 16:46

You need to tag team. Swap lie ins, swap "me" time. Yes, havign two alone is hard going, but surely worth it for a lie in or 2 hrs to yourself? I think that's one of your issues.

Also, find something you enjoy that you can do with one or both kids. I used to walk or run with the buggy, so you could do that with the 1 year old for example. Or you could all go for a family walk together somewhere nice if your 4 yo will bike, scooter or even go in a pushchair. Beach is a good shout if there's one nearby. Or even a good play park where the kids can play pretty independently while you have a coffee and a chat on a park bench.

Anyway, you are not really being unreasonable, they are still small so will be hard work, but I do think you can improve your situation if you put some planning in place.

Giltedged · 09/07/2023 16:50

If I took my two year old to a museum he’d just charge round. I wouldn’t get to look at anything.

I don’t mind and probably OP doesn’t really either. It is just how it is. But it is tiring.

SnowyPetals · 09/07/2023 16:50

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/07/2023 14:46

Well, what exactly did you imagine when you decided to have children?
Yes, YABU.

I find comments implying that because someone has made a particular choice they should never be unhappy about it really rather crass. No substantive life choice is a permanent bed of roses and people are allowed to find things tough at times, or even just to moan about things. Do you never encounter problems at work, never moan about your partner, get fed up with your commute, have a fall out with a friend? All life choices come with difficult times.

YukoandHiro · 09/07/2023 16:51

I hear you. 2yo and 6yo. To top it off my DH is a shifter and often at work at least one day of the weekend so I do loads of solo childcare. Hate weekends at the moment tbh apart from the rare times we have plans to have people over at ours, especially if they have children who can entertain ours for a while

YukoandHiro · 09/07/2023 16:52

Ps. We are not a religious family but I grew up going to church and frankly I sort of miss the structure it gave Sunday 🤷🏻‍♀️

YukoandHiro · 09/07/2023 16:53

smilesup · 09/07/2023 13:56

Do you have a partner? If so it's easy and you need to set some time for you to go off by yourself. (Alternate lie ins, sat am you do something, sat pm.he does or whatever works time wise.) If not it is much harder. Ideally find a friend who will babysit for your and you swap kids (DH worked weekends so I used to swap with a friend, it did mean having 4 kids though!) Also break the BFing bedtime thing asap and get a babysitter in (we couldn't afford to hire one so again did swaps with friends).

Agree with this in theory but in practice it just means more time not seeing the DH I barely see anyway. It hasn't really solved much for us.

EmmaOvary · 09/07/2023 16:54

The thing nobody tells you about having kids is how shit it can be. I only have one (3 1/2), my husband and I were both around today and we still found it hard. Maybe the posters who ‘really don’t find it that hard’ have lucked out with easy kids who never have tantrums and do exactly what they’re told, sleep 14 hours every night, etc. Among my circle of friends, there are far more mums saying they won’t have more than one because their existing kid is such hard work. But of course someone will be along to say that’s their fault.

YukoandHiro · 09/07/2023 16:55

Theonlyreason · 09/07/2023 14:09

That does sound horrific but only because it reminded me of how things used to be.

Mine are 13, 11 and 8. I have so much time to myself again these days and really cherish lazy mornings at the weekend drinking tea etc (they all love a lie in).

Sorry not especially helpful but I didn’t find young kid’s fun either. Life is loads better now.

Thank you, I needed to read this today 🙏🏻

aSofaNearYou · 09/07/2023 16:56

You should start taking them to museums etc if you would enjoy that, you don't have to do "kid things" all the time.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2023 17:01

Giltedged · 09/07/2023 16:50

If I took my two year old to a museum he’d just charge round. I wouldn’t get to look at anything.

I don’t mind and probably OP doesn’t really either. It is just how it is. But it is tiring.

If he won't hold you hand, put him in reins if you've rid of the buggy. That's how they learn. My kids adore our local art gallery. I'm not convinced for the 3yos it's the pictures, but the just 8 yo asks to go in and enjoys looking at the picture and installations cos he's done it since he was tiny. It just takes practise.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2023 17:03

escapingthecity · 09/07/2023 14:54

@bumblebee2235 Sunday school is the alternative to the service. We alternate and it was DH's turn to go to the service this week. The kids enjoy it. I do not.

@onlylovecanhurtlikethis it's the writing off I'm struggling with atm. I haven't stopped wanting to do the things I love because I'm a mother - and I did enjoy having the freedom to do them when I was on mat leave and they were tiny and portable. Now I've been back at work for a while, I'm struggling a bit with being consumed by the children's needs when I'm not working. (Probably related: the 1yo has never slept through the night and it's been 2 years since I've had a decent night's sleep when the crappy pregnancy sleep is included. I am so tired.)

You need to tackle the night weening then book a night in a hotel. Even do the night feed then book a night in a hotel. Leave DH to do the wake ups, come back the next day refreshed and let him get an early night to compensate.

Diddykong · 09/07/2023 17:04

The only way we have found around this, with no family nearby, is to take a weekday off and go out for brunch and something local before school and nursery end. But we are both swamped with work so we manage it once or twice a year at most. DC are 8 and 4 so just waiting until they are old enough to be left to do anything for us again.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2023 17:05

escapingthecity · 09/07/2023 14:32

@hariko we do do the kids exhibitions and museums and theatre but I can feel what used to be an important part of my self withering without the nourishment of new and beautiful art and culture. Most kids theatre is pretty shit tbh, and whilst there's some pleasure in seeing them love it, I usually just switch my brain off and daydream through it. Sunday school is tedious and usually crowd control. I am so busy and also so bored.

So book a matinee performance of something on a weekend whilst DH has the kids as you can't do evenings.
Unless he refuses to wlt you go out without them, in which you need a new thread about your controlling DP

YukoandHiro · 09/07/2023 17:15

Cracklecrack · 09/07/2023 14:46

It gets so much better when they go to school/nursery. Especially if you get a bit of time off in the week and don’t have to spend their school hours working. X

or when you get some support from
someone so you can book in some gallery visits etc x

I appreciate this is true for some people but the overwhelming majority of women have to spend school hours at work. So the OP is NBU because most women with primary age children have absolutely no time to do things that make them them (ie, not just mothering)

Peony654 · 09/07/2023 17:16

Sissynova · 09/07/2023 14:57

If you have a partner I’ve no idea why you’re claiming you can never catch up on sleep. Why can’t he look after his own children for the morning?
It sounds like you’re being overly negative and making your life more miserable. Why can’t you have a cup of tea and read the paper while they eat their breakfast? And while they potter around with their toys after?

Again why can’t you alternate the Sunday school?

This. I feel like there’s a lot of easy wins. Your life will always change, you need to have a more positive mindset. You say one of you can’t have both kids alone - you need to enable that to happen by doing it more so kids adapt and learn they will get shared attention.

Gh12345 · 09/07/2023 17:19

You’ll have to find things that kids like to do that you can enjoy too. This is just the same for every parent. I think an attitude/mental shift would be better. They’re only young once

Everydayimhuffling · 09/07/2023 17:21

Mine are 4.5 and nearly 3. It's much, much better. I'm not breastfeeding any more, so we alternate who does which bedtime and alternate lie-ins. Even if you don't get back to sleep, it's nice to have that time for a slow cup of tea or to read or whatever in bed.

The small one is FINALLY usually sleeping through the night or waking once which has made a massive difference to my energy levels. That means that I'm able to actually do something for myself in the evening instead of staring mindlessly at the TV because I'm so tired.

I think it'll get much better for you within the next couple of years, OP. For me the newborn stage was the worst and then it gradually got better from there. Hang in there. Take the breaks you can even if it's a lot of trading off.

RidingMyBike · 09/07/2023 17:27

And put them on the waiting list now for Rainbows/Brownies/Beavers/Squirrels - they then do whole day activities at weekends and even OVERNIGHT! Mine has just started doing these and it's the first night 'off' we've had from her together!

SnackSizeRaisin · 09/07/2023 17:30

Some of this is par for the course...but there are some things you can do to make it better. Get your husband to take them and have an hour or morning to yourself sometimes. Do things you want to do. There's no need to do kid friendly things you hate. I like bike rides, museums, gardens, beaches. I don't like overpriced overcrowded kids attractions so.i never go there.
And go for the easy win sometimes. For us that's a bag of crisps at the playground. Half an hour of guaranteed peace while they munch and then play.
If kids are hard work then I think you have to be stricter with them, lay down the law a bit and make them behave. It makes life much more pleasant.