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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you find this offensive? *Trigger Warning*

110 replies

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 09/07/2023 12:14

I’ll try to not be too outing but I’d like to hear other peoples opinion.

I was out for a meal with a group of people (we’ve all known each other for 10/15 years and some are closer than others in the group).

Someone that a few of the people in the group knew recently had a baby. My friend showed a picture of the baby around the table and one person on the table commented and said ‘the baby looks Down syndrome-ee.’

I wasn’t involved in the conversation as I was too busy sending a quick Whatsapp message to someone but I heard the comment being made in the background. As soon as I heard it I instantly got really heated and felt quite angry. I eventually went to the toilet and had a little cry (embarrassing I know).

For context, my 14 month has a rare genetic disorder and is missing the same chromosome that people with Down Syndrome have too much of. I’ve come across a lot of ableist comments since he’s been born but I was knocked backwards hearing that from someone within the group.

I’m also not particularly close to this person but I’m quite disappointed in myself for not saying at the time. I didn’t want to cause a scene but in hindsight, maybe that was a perfect reason to cause a scene.

I know I’m in the wrong for not challenging it but this isn’t okay is it? Peoples reactions were so normal it’s making me feel as if I’m in the wrong.

(please delete this post MN if it’s considered offensive)

OP posts:
Outwiththenorm · 09/07/2023 20:57

What an utter bitch. I hope you don’t have to be in her company again.

AshGirl · 10/07/2023 08:31

@ItsBritneyBitchhhh My DS has a genetic difference as well, and it is associated with certain facial features, like Down Syndrome. I would also have cried and run off to the bathroom if I had heard a disgusting comment like this.

We live in an ableist world, and our fabulous kids will face many challenges. It's not your responsibility to educate other people though, or to 'call out' prejudice when you see it. You need your energy to look after yourself and your family, and I'm sure you are doing a fabulous job Flowers

shrunkenhead · 10/07/2023 08:42

Perhaps the baby did have DS...? I'm not sure if it's necessarily offensive. Perhaps it's more polite to ignore any disability speculation and just use the generic "aw he's gorgeous!" trope....idk. Are we meant to ignore the obvious and just not mention it?

x2boys · 10/07/2023 09:14

shrunkenhead · 10/07/2023 08:42

Perhaps the baby did have DS...? I'm not sure if it's necessarily offensive. Perhaps it's more polite to ignore any disability speculation and just use the generic "aw he's gorgeous!" trope....idk. Are we meant to ignore the obvious and just not mention it?

Yes until a parent tells you ,otherwise its just rude

LaMaG · 10/07/2023 09:20

It's a rude and stupid comment, not sure if it's necessarily ableist. I'm sure if the child had a birth mark or a big nose similar comments would have been made. She was being nasty commenting on a baby's looks either way.

shrunkenhead · 10/07/2023 10:38

It may have come from a place of genuine concern. I recall a mother in my ds' class being totally oblivious to her child's issues.... it took a teacher to make her face up to it, admittedly she was in denial so possibly a bad example.

Fraaahnces · 10/07/2023 11:17

They were horrible. They were using the stereotypical appearance of children with a disability to illustrate their opinion that the baby they were referring to was “ugly” or “weird-looking”. (Their opinion.) I can’t see the parents of that child appreciating the comparison, and it was especially insensitive to share that opinion - in that snide manner - in front of OP. It was downright ugly.

x2boys · 10/07/2023 11:23

shrunkenhead · 10/07/2023 10:38

It may have come from a place of genuine concern. I recall a mother in my ds' class being totally oblivious to her child's issues.... it took a teacher to make her face up to it, admittedly she was in denial so possibly a bad example.

Which is an entirely different scenario ,a professional.expressing her concerns about a child in a professional manner to the child's mother
Is very different from somebody looked by at a photo of a new born baby and saying the child look.a bit " Down syndromee" 🙄
Regardless of how you try and twist it.

Fraaahnces · 10/07/2023 11:28

*Just clarifying… these people’s behaviour - sniggering over a baby’s appearance was downright ugly - not the baby!

BadNomad · 10/07/2023 12:22

shrunkenhead · 10/07/2023 10:38

It may have come from a place of genuine concern. I recall a mother in my ds' class being totally oblivious to her child's issues.... it took a teacher to make her face up to it, admittedly she was in denial so possibly a bad example.

I'm sure that's why people laughed.

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