Would you find this offensive? *Trigger Warning*

[ItsBritneyBitchhhh]

I’ll try to not be too outing but I’d like to hear other peoples opinion.

I was out for a meal with a group of people (we’ve all known each other for 10/15 years and some are closer than others in the group).

Someone that a few of the people in the group knew recently had a baby. My friend showed a picture of the baby around the table and one person on the table commented and said ‘the baby looks Down syndrome-ee.’

I wasn’t involved in the conversation as I was too busy sending a quick Whatsapp message to someone but I heard the comment being made in the background. As soon as I heard it I instantly got really heated and felt quite angry. I eventually went to the toilet and had a little cry (embarrassing I know).

For context, my 14 month has a rare genetic disorder and is missing the same chromosome that people with Down Syndrome have too much of. I’ve come across a lot of ableist comments since he’s been born but I was knocked backwards hearing that from someone within the group.

I’m also not particularly close to this person but I’m quite disappointed in myself for not saying at the time. I didn’t want to cause a scene but in hindsight, maybe that was a perfect reason to cause a scene.

I know I’m in the wrong for not challenging it but this isn’t okay is it? Peoples reactions were so normal it’s making me feel as if I’m in the wrong.

(please delete this post MN if it’s considered offensive)

If such a thought went through my head, my brain would immediately say "STFU, don't say that put loud Theo".

And if I did somehow say that put loud, I'd expect people to be horrified and think badly of me.

The fact that neither of those things happened, says a lot about your friends.

That's very true. The OP didn't feel able to tackle it, understandably, so wouldn't be fair to judge others without knowing why they were laughing.

My older brother has DS
I wouldnt have been offended as such but would definitely thought the person saying it was a prize twat.

Exactly.

Find some better friends OP.

Ate you the parent of a,child with disabilities ?
Because I am and let me tell.you its not all.sunshine and roses and there are many negative aspects to it
That's not to.say most parents don't love their children unconditionally but lets not pretend its a,walk in the park.

Yes I would find it offensive and like you wouldn’t have wanted to cause a scene but would contact them privately to call them out on this horrendous remark

I'm actually finding you pretty offensive tbh,trying to make out that disabilities are al! Sunshine and roses 🙄

For those who are saying the OP is overreacting, would this have been ok to say if the baby’s parent had been the one holding the photograph up for this woman to see? If not, what was the difference here?

Ah so you work with people with disabillitirs m aYou are not a,parent of a child with disabilities then and it absolutely shows ,you don't have the worry of what's going to happen to.your disabled child when your no longer there
You can go.home and not have care for your disabled child 24 hours a day and fight for everything they need
You need to check your own privilege🙄

I would have instantly asked her if she was always such an arsehole 🤷‍♀️

I don't think it was offensive but I think it was unnecessary, nasty and thoughtless and you had every right to be upset.

@sparepantsandtoothbrush
The whole faux "why is it offensive" on here is fucking pathetic. Stop trying to be cool and be honest. It was clearly meant as a derogatory comment. Nothing to do with being snowflakes, it's just rude and unnecessary.
...Nobody makes a passing comment like that in an innocent way and anybody saying they would is talking bullshit

Spot on 👏🏼👏🏼

Another one who doesn't understand why it was offensive unless they proceeded to talk in a derogatory way about people with Down syndrome

Well the OP herself says that they giggled and it certainly wasn't being said in a concerned way so I'm not sure what you don't understand.

It’s really not something you say is it?

I have a friend who had a little girl that I’ve always wondered if she had something chromosomal. I’ve never asked because she never offered.

It was a really stupid and horrible comment to make

And what the hell did they mean? Lovely almond shaped eyes? So why not say that.

And if the baby actually had DS, then there is nothing to add to ‘awe, gorgeous, congratulations to them, I hope they are doing well’.

OP: it was a thick and obnoxious comment. And went straight for your sensitive spot. I have a DC with a mobility disability who can only walk with a splint, shoe raise and orthopaedic shoes.

I want to slap every poster in Style and Beauty who squeals ‘eeeeeew they look orthopaedic’ at every pair of shoes that isn’t skimpy and dainty.

But then most of us wouldn’t choose to wear orthopaedic shoes all the time unless we had to. The honest truth is they aren’t always the look you want.

But the fact that some people have no choice might give some people some empathy or sensitivity.

Try not to let this woman’s lack of understanding or empathy bring you down.

Equip yourself with some comments.

”As the mother of a child with a chromosomal difference, she looks gorgeous “

“Is that a criticism?”

”She looks nothing like my child with a chromosome difference… but then not all babies, whatever their DNA, look the same”

”you may not know my child has a trisomy… I am the wrong audience for that kind of comment”

Or whatever you feel is right for you.

It’s good a group member followed up with you.

I am sorry you experienced this on what should have been a night out with people you trust as friends.

My friend asked me when her DS was born did I think he could be downs? The doctors decided to test as he had strong downs features and I said something along the lines of - possibly. Prepare yourself to hear it so it's less of a shock.
He wasn't but people still ask if he has DS due to him still having the very hooded eyes etc. He really is the most beautiful little boy too, I say that objectively, if we take him places people comment on how gorgeous he is, the DS comments tend to come from a place of genuine curiosity as they can't quite tell.

It seems a really unaware and shitty way to behave to a baby's picture to me. I think that I'd rather someone ask, "does Linda's baby have downs syndrome?" As opposed to what was said, which does sound like it was said in a more mocking tone.

I'm really sorry your DS has a genetic disorder @ItsBritneyBitchhhh, at 14 months old it might still be quite a shock to the system and take you time to get your head around it. You mustn't regret not pulling up comments made by ignorant people, trust me, in a few years you'll probably have gotten yourself banned from at least 3 soft play places, so you've plenty of time to pull up ableist idiots!

My youngest is severely autistic and in pictures very hazy looking and DP and I have been told "he's a little Peter pan, he'll never grow up". It's hard to hear that being spun as a positive when children grow into adults, with years of adult thoughts and feelings and whilst they should never be forced to live in a way that surpasses capabilities of the individual with special needs, what isn't fair is infantalisation whilst children are still infants, not giving them the opportunity to flourish before they can even start.

Genetic disorders are greately misunderstood and having a child with one is a lifetime of worries, because you simply don't have the crystal ball to predict things such as your DS's future capability and level of independence they'll be able to achieve.

Some parents will "special babies for special mummy's" you, some (like me) would say I'd give anything to remove any obstacle from my DC that makes his life considerably more difficult to navigate than needs be. Will I now have people tell me I'm wrong? Yep. Have I been accused of needing therapy/not loving him as much as my others? Yep.

Those people usually aren't the ones worrying about what future care facilities that would suit their DC once they're a young adult so if god forbid we die young, DC isn't then going to become the problem of his siblings though so fuck em.

Sorry I went off on one completely there! 😅 anyway, you focus on your lovely wee fellow and don't think you need to crusade for disability each time someone says something shite. It'll wreck your MH. And get you into a fuckload of drama in soft play! 🤭 x

Well exactly because its just rude my son has a chromosome deletion and its fairly obvious ,he's very disabled by it
I.really can't. Understand why people say they can't see what's offensive
Would they also not be offended if someone said their baby look blind ,or look.like they will.need a,wheel.chair .

people still ask if he has DS due to him still having the very hooded eyes etc. He really is the most beautiful little boy too, I say that objectively, if we take him places people comment on how gorgeous he is, the DS comments tend to come from a place of genuine curiosity as they can't quite tell.

They don’t need to be able to tell! Their genuine curiosity is rude and intrusive if it leads to them questioning people they don’t know!

I’m not? Just saying what my friend said when she apologised.

I’m judging the person who made the comment and the person who made the comment only

Sorry that was meant to be in reply to another poster.

Why?

All three people that she was speaking too just chuckled at the comment and left it at that. why are they chuckling? I'd be judging them all.

Thank you so much for this really understanding comment. These are all really good phrases to have under my belt and aren’t rude at all.

Sending love to you and your little one💗

Because "do you think she looks a bit ___y" followed by giggles is rarely if ever meant as a compliment or neutral comment.

The only thing to say when being shown a pic of a baby is "Oh how lovely / cute / sweet " whatever. Nothing else.