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Original poster

Would you find this offensive? *Trigger Warning*

110 replies

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 09/07/2023 12:14

I’ll try to not be too outing but I’d like to hear other peoples opinion.

I was out for a meal with a group of people (we’ve all known each other for 10/15 years and some are closer than others in the group).

Someone that a few of the people in the group knew recently had a baby. My friend showed a picture of the baby around the table and one person on the table commented and said ‘the baby looks Down syndrome-ee.’

I wasn’t involved in the conversation as I was too busy sending a quick Whatsapp message to someone but I heard the comment being made in the background. As soon as I heard it I instantly got really heated and felt quite angry. I eventually went to the toilet and had a little cry (embarrassing I know).

For context, my 14 month has a rare genetic disorder and is missing the same chromosome that people with Down Syndrome have too much of. I’ve come across a lot of ableist comments since he’s been born but I was knocked backwards hearing that from someone within the group.

I’m also not particularly close to this person but I’m quite disappointed in myself for not saying at the time. I didn’t want to cause a scene but in hindsight, maybe that was a perfect reason to cause a scene.

I know I’m in the wrong for not challenging it but this isn’t okay is it? Peoples reactions were so normal it’s making me feel as if I’m in the wrong.

(please delete this post MN if it’s considered offensive)

OP posts:
Fiddlerdragon · 09/07/2023 13:17

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That’s really not the same thing at all. Do you think being black or gay is the same as having a disability?

Gothambutnotahamster · 09/07/2023 13:18

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This is my thinking too - hence not understanding why it was an offensive thing to say (other than the 'ee' on the end, potentially?)

Backstreets · 09/07/2023 13:19

Fiddlerdragon · 09/07/2023 13:17

That’s really not the same thing at all. Do you think being black or gay is the same as having a disability?

Show quote history

Also puzzled as to how saying “your baby looks gay” would be a neutral statement as if there’s a specific way to look gay

Wodwo · 09/07/2023 13:21

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loislovesstewie · 09/07/2023 13:23

Yes, it's a horrid thing to say. I understand why you had a cry , and I would have nothing more to do with that person.

Wodwo · 09/07/2023 13:24

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MolkosTeenageAngst · 09/07/2023 13:25

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To be honest I would find someone saying in response to a picture of a newborn, ‘the baby looks black’ or ‘the baby looks gay’ offensive as well. Not because they are negative attributes or because it would be bad to look either but because someone bringing up specific attributes is almost certainly doing it to be rude, it’s not usually to comment on a baby’s skin colour or on whether or not they have a disability etc when being shown a photo so to do so suggests the person raising it is doing so to be rude. If someone comments on a baby being black it suggests they think white is the default and being black is noteworthy, otherwise why mention it at all? The same with the baby potentially having Down’s syndrome, so what if s/he does or doesn’t? Why bring it up at all within the context of looking at a photo unless you want to gossip about it or think it effects how cute the baby photo is?

StaunchMomma · 09/07/2023 13:27

That's a an incredibly awful thing to say and yes, I would be angered by it and my view of that person would be changed.

What a prize twat!

LorraineInSpain · 09/07/2023 13:34

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International Day of Persons with Disabilities is 3 December. My workplace acknowledges it, and we’ve had quite a bit of disability-related training this year. So hopefully the tide is turning on that.

I do think that the comment made by OP’s friend was offensive, though. I think it’s both the “ee” on the end, and seeming to “other” the baby. I would have a different view if the comment had been along the lines of asking if the child had Down Syndrome - after the obligatory and socially conventional comment about how cute the baby is, of course.

BandyLionAndDurdock · 09/07/2023 13:36

I think pointing out any visible difference is unnecessary and has the potential to offend. Our bodies are just the physical thing that carry ‘us’ around and don’t need judging As good or bad in anyway.

ARRGHHHHHxxxxx · 09/07/2023 13:38

Leverageup · 09/07/2023 12:50

  1. this is someone’s pride and joy
  2. what’s wrong with Down’s syndrome
  3. insulting people for thongs they did not have a say in is wrong

That’s an incredibly insensitive comment

This.

BadNomad · 09/07/2023 13:39

What was everyone else's reaction?

The4Seasons · 09/07/2023 13:42

It was pretty insensitive and clearly not meant as a compliment. I would probably have said something.

I do have a child with DS Op and unfortunately you do get used to people saying some pretty stupid things to you. Generally never meant maliciously, they just don't get it. I have developed a very thick skin!

Original poster
ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 09/07/2023 15:23

All three people that she was speaking too just chuckled at the comment and left it at that.

I think what got my back up was the way it was said. People that have Down Syndrome are individuals WITH Down Syndrome. To say a baby looks ‘Down Syndrome-ee’ is just so ignorant to me. People are more than their disabilities (yes I understand it’s still an incredibly big part of their life).

My friend who had organised the meal messaged me to ask if I was okay as I hadn’t seemed myself. I mentioned the above comment and she did apologise and say that it wasn’t something that should have been said or laughed at.

The woman who made the comment, I’m not really her biggest fan anyway so this will no doubt stick firmly in my mind. Interesting to see the range of comments so far though, thank you all for commenting

OP posts:
Emz6103 · 09/07/2023 15:54

Ikr this generation get offended at the slightest thing......gen X would have been like...."where let me see"
It's ridiculous tbh. There's nothing wrong with having downs, or mentioning it. Generation of snowflakes because if they're offended by that just wait till you REALLY experience the world! What an overreaction.

Nordicrain · 09/07/2023 15:55

Yes I would find that offensive, and if a friend of mine I would 100% pick them up on it.

Original poster
ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 09/07/2023 16:04

Emz6103 · 09/07/2023 15:54

Ikr this generation get offended at the slightest thing......gen X would have been like...."where let me see"
It's ridiculous tbh. There's nothing wrong with having downs, or mentioning it. Generation of snowflakes because if they're offended by that just wait till you REALLY experience the world! What an overreaction.

Maybe I reacted that way because I have a baby with a rare genetic disorder and I wouldn’t like people to say, ‘oh he looks DYRK1A-ee.’ He’s a person and should be spoken about as such. It hit close to him as many people have made ableist terms towards my son. I also thought it was disappointing to hear someone in the group speak about another baby this way.

If being defensive due to having a disabled baby makes me a snowflake then so be it

OP posts:
kitsuneghost · 09/07/2023 16:16

I think you are over-reacting. Its just a comment and not even a derogatory one.

RhymingGuitars · 09/07/2023 16:27

Emz6103 · 09/07/2023 15:54

Ikr this generation get offended at the slightest thing......gen X would have been like...."where let me see"
It's ridiculous tbh. There's nothing wrong with having downs, or mentioning it. Generation of snowflakes because if they're offended by that just wait till you REALLY experience the world! What an overreaction.

The generation a person is from has no bearing on how they act or respond. That is absolute lazy stereotypical thinking from those who came up with the trope and those who subscribe to it.

Describing anyone as looking "Down Syndrome-y" is unnecessary. If the baby is a child with Down Syndrome the parents will be very aware - Picking out particular characteristics and highlighting those for no reading whatsoever tells you more about the person saying it and less about the person being described.

pickledandpuzzled · 09/07/2023 16:38

Does he has Down's syndrome? No, he just has very round eyes... or whatever.

I used to foster, and the mum of a teenager with Downs commented that one of my babies looked as though he had Downs.

He doesn't, but probably does have a chromosomal difference.

I don't see the problem with the comment to be honest.

Unless it was said in a nasty way.

I think the outrage at pattern recognition is ridiculous.

pickledandpuzzled · 09/07/2023 16:42

That's not to say you don't have every right to feel emotional about it, OP. You feel what you feel.

What was it that upset you, OP?
The idea that people may look at your LO and be aware they have chromosome differences?
That they were commenting on the appearance of a child?

I mean I'd say 'wow, look at that amazing hair!' 'Gosh his eyes are really dark!' or similar.

Neolara · 09/07/2023 16:49

I think how it was said matters. It could have just been a mean comment about a baby's looks using a lazy stereotype. Or it could have been a concerned or neutral observation. I don't find the comment offensive in itself, but it totally could have been offensive depending on the context, which the op is best placed to interpret.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 09/07/2023 16:50

The whole faux "why is it offensive" on here is fucking pathetic. Stop trying to be cool and be honest. It was clearly meant as a derogatory comment. Nothing to do with being snowflakes, it's just rude and unnecessary.

And no I don't see people with disabilities as lesser people before someone asks that. But this comment was obviously meant to be offensive by someone who does think that. Nobody makes a passing comment like that in an innocent way and anybody saying they would is talking bullshit

EarthlyNightshade · 09/07/2023 16:50

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Are you saying that if you heard someone describe a baby as "looking Down syndrome-ee", you would assume they were being positive?

I've think we've a while to go before I would assume that.

Meeting · 09/07/2023 16:51

I would have kicked off about this. And to be honest if have probably left the meal because I wouldn't have wanted to sit around people who would sit and chuckle at that.

On a side note, surely just writing the words "trigger warning" is pointless? I would have thought you need to provide the trigger, eg. "Trigger warning: ableism". I'm not sure you can just give a generic TW because how would people know whether or not it is going to 'trigger' them?